We Are Broken (Tayley)

Dumbass

Happy Valentine's Day! Even if it didn't take nearly as long as last time to update, it's still been a while and I'm sorry, again. This week has been kind of shitty and I've just had some stuff going on and it's been an unbelievably long few days. Thank you for bearing with me. I love you all!

I had gone home a few hours ago, but I just went straight to my room and laid down. I was utterly confused to say in the least. I stared at the ceiling, wanting so badly to know what to make of my situation. I had just spent a week effectively alone to escape a person and drug that both terrified me, yet as soon as I saw said person, it was like that didn't matter. Besides, he was nice to me, even if he wasn't to anyone else that I knew of and he had possibly killed multiple people and was about to kill a person because of me.

There was something about Taylor that made me completely disregard any concern for my wellbeing or my future. I just wanted to him to be happy with me. It was completely ridiculous, I knew that well enough, but I couldn't keep myself from feeling it. It was almost like I was crushing on him. That wasn't true though. I knew he wasn't perfect and that meant it wasn't a crush in my book.

Finally, I sat up and picked up my phone. "You fucking dumbass," I whispered to myself as I texted the one person who managed to be the epitome and the bane of my existence as of late. 'I'll be there.'

I regretted it as soon as I sent it, but I was pretty smart, right? I could control myself.

'Good. I wasn't going to go if you weren't.' He replied not too much later.

'Can you bring weed? I want to try to avoid meth and I'll definitely pay you for it.' I texted back quickly, trying not to pay too much attention or think to in depth about his previous comment.

I could almost see him scoffing. 'Yes because getting high will definitely help you think rationally.' He replied and I frowned at my phone. I didn't understand him. He was so distant yet he still said things that a close friend would. It was the same thing in different proportions really. He almost killed someone but he almost killed someone for being a misogynist and hitting me, even though I was kind of a bitch to Jay as I looked back on it sober.

'Just bring it.' I sent. I needed something stronger than cigarettes to smoke. I knew he would bring it, though. He'd be stupid not to. Taylor had proved himself to be a lot of things but an idiot wasn't one. But I had a 4.0 GPA, at least before I skipped a week of school. I was book smart if nothing else. Maybe that was enough.

I couldn't sleep even though I was too tired to move. My mind seemed to be racing in every conceivable direction to calm down enough to fall asleep. The worst part was that none of what I was thinking made any sense. I could focus on a topic for an hour before I realized how little logic I had applied to the thought as well as how little it mattered. It was an awful feeling, knowing that you're unable to form a coherent thought and not being able to figure out how.

Around noon the following day my mom came in and sat next to me. "Hey baby girl," She began softly, "It feels like it's been forever since I've seen you. You wouldn't believe how boring it gets around the house when you're not here, probably because you're never here to experience it. That's beside the point, though. Do waffles sound good for a late breakfast or lunch sort of thing?"

She had placed a motherly hand on my knee and had been absentmindedly rubbing lazy circles with her thumb. I has missed this kind of contact lately, even if being touched currently made me want to hurl a little bit.

"Yeah, waffles sound great," I forced a weak smile which she returned before leaving me alone once again. One of the great thing a about my mom is that she never said too much or overstepped her boundaries. She could tell when people wanted to be alone and when they needed not to be.