Sweet Tears

I'm Not Supposed to be Like This

Martin picks me up this morning. He rides his masculine motorcycle and his figure is enchanting. Martin wears black jacket and helmet, he stands in front of his motorcycle. I knew it when I was about to put on my shoes. I'm glad to be with Martin, the most understanding guy. Today I go to school with Martin, we joke around along the way. On our way to school, Martin speeds up and it feels like flying on the highway. I let my hands feel the breeze. It's still early in the morning, the air is fresh. We are so happy this morning and I hope I have the chance to steal his heart. I hope Martin thinks about me while riding the motorcycle. He keeps speeding up. Unexpectedly, his arrival is like a secret guest who surprises my heart, mind, and soul.

This afternoon, I lay on a rather soft mattress and it smells like medicines. If it smells like medicines, it must be in the hospital. My instinct was right, I realize this place a couple of minutes after I woke up. I hear the door opens up slowly. My mama comes in wearing a rather messy clothes and a tired face. "Mama?" I ask before mama comes to me. "Yes, baby. Did you sleep well?" She asks as if nothing happened and I really hope so. "So well that I know nothing, ma." I reply representing my confusion.

"Mimin, mama will explain." This is what I've been waiting for. I'm supposed to be at school, doing some school stuffs. But, I don't even know why I am here in the hospital and have a room of my own. My neck hurts so I don't feel like shifting the position of my head. "You have been here for a few days. Don't be shocked, Min, please be strong. You got injured severely, therefore you need to undergo a treatment." Mama says that as if she's hiding her sadness and a terrible shock. This wound is painful but it does not provide a clear explanation. I start to think, I have been here for a long time. It will cost a fortune. Something that happened recently must have made me like this. The last thing that I recall is that I ride a motorcycle to school with Martin. After that, here I am. That is really unhelpful. As if, I just experienced a terrible tragedy. Mama sits next to me, she is turning away from me. I don't know, I see her back flinching. Is she crying? I guess it was not an easy trial. I'm a bit shocked, therefore I shift my body slightly. I want to change my sleeping position. Of course, I need my legs to move my body. It's so hard. It's not easy at all to move it.

"Ma.. My legs. Why can't I move my legs?" It is supposed to be an easy question. Her pale, tired face makes me feel so bad. Not budging, mama seems wiping her eyes. I too want to cry, like mama. But, looking at her so depressed. I don't want to vent it. It must be difficult for her to answer this question. So, I keep quiet with a million worries, confusion and sadness. I dare to speak one more time.

"Ma. I'm sorry, I make things difficult." I actually denying the current situation. Even though I said the opposite to mama. It is hard for me. Even mama who does not feel it, cannot hold back her tears. I do not care how things turn out, my heart is bleeding and it shares the pain on everything that happened. This will make it hard for me to do everything, including being grateful. What am I going to do, I will be a sinner if I don't be grateful. I'm a mess! But I cannot show it in front of someone who tries to be strong for me. I have to appreciate the effort. I cry in silence. It's the only thing I can do. Martin, how are you now? You must be experiencing the same thing with me. It's tiring, I want to get up and walk around the hospital. I would be really happy to meet Martin in my dream. Yeah, it's just a dream. Mama holds my hand but she keeps looking away. Her back is still flinching, I guess she's still crying. When mama and I being so fragile, there is a tall guy standing on the doorstep wearing a white cap with the word running printed on it. I definitely have nothing to do with that. My feelings are torn by a sharp knife. There is no possible way I care about it. But, the guy says hi softly. "Min.." I remember that voice, it's Roy's.

"Excuse me, Ma'am, could you give us a moment?" From the gesture, mama wipes her eyes using her sleeves and nods at Roy before leaving us alone. Papa is still working, that is why he is not here with me. Roy replaces mama's position. His expression is clear, he is shocked and sad. But, he ignores them.

"You may cry, Min. I know you really want to cry." Roy strokes my cheek and smiles sweetly. Right after Roy said it, I cry my heart out. I don't even know what is happening to me now. My best guess is that I became paralyzed. However, the truth has not been revealed. I cry and cry and keep crying. I can feel the pain all over my body but my legs. Thanks to Roy who comes and makes mama leaves for a while. The sunny weather does not represent either my condition or my feelings. Roy pats my head gently. He also wipes my tears. I do not deserve this wound, this pain.

"Do you know what happened to my legs, Roy?" I ask him as I cannot hold back my tears. When Roy answers to my question, at that very moment, I realize how embarrassing my condition is right now. I was wrong, the real situation is worse than I imagined. I cry harder.

"You're sick, I brought a lot of food for you. I hope you like it, never refuse a gift from other people." I remember our first encounter. Roy told me that refusing a gift from other people is not good. I still can use my legs at the moment. This world is such a wonderful place when I still have the chance to walk. Tears trickled down my face and my vision blurred. But I know that Roy remains by my side. When I'm in pain, he takes a good care of me patiently, like a guardian or a servant. He will serve me whenever I need something and his sharp eyes are always on alert whenever something undesirable happens. I don't feel like smiling, actually. But everything Roy does makes me shed tears and smile at him when he is peeling an apple. He does not realize that I'm smiling at him. Seeing me crying becomes a common thing for him. So he would not try to disturb me nor calm me down whenever I feel like crying. Papa and mama come into my room. Surprise is written all over their face. They probably think that I'm supposed to cry endlessly instead of smiling to Roy who is busy peeling an apple. Mama put the car key-of a rent car of course-on the table where Roy peels the apple which makes Roy an I realized that they are back. Mama kisses my forehead "What were you doing when mama was downstairs?" She asks me with a quite comforting smile. Silence. As always, I keep quiet. Thank god I have stopped crying when my parents come.

The pain is still rampant allover my body. The sun is setting. Roy rushes home and bids my mama and papagoodbye, I'm staying in the hospital tonight, it will be my first experiencestaying at the hospital. The clock shows 02.45 AM when I look at mama sleepingnext to me. To be honest, I cannot sleep. I was thinking about my legs whichdefinitely have been amputated by now. Roy told me calmly so that it would notbreak my heart too bad. I will be a girl with no legs for quite a while. Mylegs have been amputated several days ago. Can you imagine how horrible it is?I will never be able to accept this reality for now. It is so bitter andtormenting my heart. I pray to God to recover my condition. God is my one andonly hope.