O.K. doe 💖

I Had To Do This...

March 2017

Tell him... Tell him. Tell. Tell him. Tell him! 

"Aaaaahhh!" I woke up from my own scream in the middle of the night and immediatly started crying. 

"Hey, Katheryn honey? Did you have a nightmare again? My poor baby, this is starting to be actuall torture." He said while hugging me lovingly. Those nightmares were coming every night the last days. I knew where they where coming from and what the reason was... The tour... 

"I think I have to tell you something..." I said and looked at him. He looked like he was stessed and I could feel his heart beat faster. Or that could be my heart... 

"As you know I just came out with a few singles and as you for sure guessed I want to come out with a whole... album... soon." I looked at him while trying to find a way to tell him the rest. After a few secounds I continued: "Sooo, after the alum... I... I want to go... I want to go on a tour!" I looked down at the white blanket that were covering our bodies. I felt relieft becouse I finally told him, but scared as well becouse of my past with Russel and the pain that I felt when he left me while I was on California Dreams Tour. 

I cound't see his face becouse it was hard for me to look up. After a few secounds of silence in the room I could feel Lando's hands around my waist and his warm lips on my cheek. He moved his hand on the onther cheek and slowly turned my head so that I faced him. My eyes looked up at him after he did that. I breathed out heavily and I think he could feel that. After a while of looking at each other he finally said:

"Did you really think I would ever leave you just becouse of the way you work?" he asked. I ooked back down to think. The message I got from Russel right before one of the showes came back as a flashback. Tears were falling down my chin but Orlando whipped them away.

"Katheryn, look at me babes... Hey, It's okay to cry. I know what Russel Brand did to you back when you were merried, and I want you to know that I would never do that. I love you Katheryn, more than anything in this world." He said and kissed me on my nose whilde hugging me. My brain was a mess. I was confused and scared of what I knew I would do next. I also knew I would regret doing it... but I had to. I love him to much to lose him...

I standed up from the bed and looked outside of the window. I saw my garden with the pool where I imagined little kids playing with each other in the future. One a girl, and other a boy. I could feel my eyes tearing up as the dream faded out. I turned around to look back on Lando, but I didn't smile. I just looked and already regret what I was about to say.

"I love you too Lando, and becouse of this love..." I took a pause here. Then I continued: "I can't risk losing you like that." I started crying even more. He standed up and went to me. He took my hands and looked me in the eyes.

"Katheryn, what are you saying?" he asked.

"We have to take a break here." I said with even more tears falling down. I could see him tearing up a little as well. He were staring at me and thinking for a long moment. I think he understood why I was doing this becouse he didn't insist me in changing my mind. He did try to find a better solution but I had made up my mind. After a while he asked:

"Can I at least get a goodbye kiss?" he saw me sending him a little smile. I got closer and we shared the most wonderful and magic kiss I ever had. He was holding me like he never waned to let go and I holded him as close as I could. As our kiss ended he let go of holding my hands. The pain I felt after he let go was unbelivable and felt just like a cut in the heart. 

I keept on looking at him as he turned around and left the room. I freeze into the floor and could't move as I realized what just happened. I'm so stupid... I'm soo f**ing stupid! He was perfect and finally made me feel safe and I just let him go!? Thouths like this were running in my mind like crazy. I started histerically crying and feel down on the floor. I knew it was to late to stop him as I heard the front door closing. Now I was here without Lando... But at least I made sure I would't feel this pain on tour like before. 

After some minutes of thinking and lying on the floor everything blacked out as I cried myself back to sleep again and the visions of my past came back to my mind...

Katy's Flashback from the past:

"Hey, Katy. Show starts in 10 minuttes. Be ready be the stage by then." said Tamra and went back to work right after. 

"Yeah, I will be ready by then. Don't worry Tam." I answered and sat down with my phone in my hand on one of the sofas by the wall. I smiled as I saw the notification that told me I got a message from Russell. Oh, he for sure just found a resturant with our lucky nuber on it or something and send a photo as he always do. I oppened the message and started reading:

"Hey, Kate.

You are always working and I'm sick of you being on tour. You are supposed to be at home waiting for me to come home instead. Long story short, I filed for a divorce a few days ago."

My heart stopped beating and my eyes got filled with tears bigger than I ever cried. I dropped my phone and held my forhead with my hands. I cound't believe it. We said yes to each other and now it's about to be gone... The world stopped spinning for me. I loved him.., I loved him sooo much.