Autumn • Complete

Unstable

Did I do something wrong? Christian bombards me with Facebook messages, all of which I ignore, and won't reply to.

"Honey??" Dad knocks on the door to my bedroom. "I'll put your dinner out here," I told him about the dinner, how I couldn't handle it. After a while I hear him leave, and I bring in the plate for my cat. I put it on the floor, where she gobbles it up in seconds. She'll eat anything.

My phone pings: a message.

From: Fabian

Hey. Please talk to me x

Fabian is the only real friend I have here, the only one who will truly understand me. But I can't tell him. I can't tell anyone.

"Who do I even trust anymore?" I ask my cat, who simply miaows in answer. Of course, she's a cat; she can't understand me. I think I'm genuinely going mad. Maybe I need psychiatric help. But if I did get help, then that would divert me from my plan, and we can't have that, can we?

To: Fabian

I'm fine, honestly. Don't worry about me x

I wait for ages, but he doesn't reply. After an hour or so of waiting I pull myself from my reverie and change into pajamas and slip into bed, pulling the covers over me. It's the best nights sleep I've had since the accident.

---

I miss a day of school the next day, so I can go to counselling. Dad drops me off without a word. I think I gave him the wrong impression and he presumed I was getting better.

"Hello, Autumn, " welcomes Dr. Isaac with a bright, cherry smile. How can someone be so happy at eight thirty am?

"Long time no see! Have a seat," I smile weakly and sit down on the chair across from him.

"So, how are you doing?"

"Aside from the depression?" I reply smartly. "I'm doing okay," I add. It's all lies. All lies.

"Autumn.  Your dad told me what's been going on. You're not eating properly,  you rarely go out! You're unstable and I think your depression is getting worse. When was the last time you ate?" He looks at me, a stern glare in his gleaming eyes.

"Yesterday, " I reply immediately.  "And I'm not listening to all this bullshit.  I don't care what you think.  This is my life,  and you can't change who I am. Stop making me feel like crap,  because it's you whose making things work. So get over yourself, and go bullshit some other patient." I finish my speech and am out of there. It's all so stupid.  I might be depressed,  but I don't need some doctor to remind me every week.

Each minute I get closer, but not close enough. I need to do it now.

I run to school which isn't far away from the medical center, and head straight to the loos. I don't realize he's in the corridor until I run smack bang into him. Christian.

Why does he have to be everywhere? I swear this is the universe telling me to cry a river and build a bridge. I push past him and rush into the loos where he can't follow me. Well, he better not.

"Autumn!" He shouts after me, but I ignore him. There is no one in the toilets, thankfully. I take the shiny, sharp blade from my bag and position it right above my vein in my wrist. I close my eyes.

Fuck life. Fuck this shit.

I'm about to press down when somebody takes my wrist and wrenches the blade from my grip. I open my eyes and watch the back of a blonde flush it down the toilet. She turns, and tears flood my face.

She shakes her beautiful head.

"Camille?" I whisper,

"Fuck, Autumn. Why would you do that? Can't you see you've got two boys after you, and you're beautiful.  Fuck fuck fuck. Get a grip, will you?" She puts her hands on her knees and breathes heavily, and that's when I get my chance. I pull my backup blade from my bag and quickly place it over my wrist. Camille looks up at me as I push down, hard, slicing through my wrist. Blood spills onto the linoleum floor, and I look up from it to the door, where Christian and Fabian are stood, mouths wide open.

"You'll catch flies..." I mumble, and crumple to the ground.

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