Love, Beth

Chapter Nine

Dear Kate,

I just came back from your funeral. I didn't get to see you though, no one did. You were too badly hurt... I'm so sorry... I couldn't stop crying, I'm still crying.

Everything felt weird... like a dream... more like a nightmare. I felt so odd... like I wasn't really there or something. The only thing I fully felt were the hot tears streaming down my face the entire time. Even driving there felt odd... I barely even remember the drive, just arriving at the church and sitting in one of the pews.

It didn't even feel real when the pall-bearers brought in the coffin. It still felt like this was all just some cruel joke, like you'd be back at our apartment once I got home, greeting me with your beautiful smile. Deep down, of course, I knew that you were really gone... I'd held your broken body to mine in what were likely your last moments. But I still had that weird feeling of disbelief.

I remember looking around, trying to identify those who were also there. Henry and Anne... Sam, Jessie, Lola... Jackson... I also recognized some people from high school but I don't know who they are... the rest were family, friends, coworkers, some people I didn't know...

I'd been asked to go up and tell a story about you but I'd declined so Sam went up instead. I wasn't really listening to what he was saying, unable to focus or shake off the odd dream feeling. He ended it by saying he loved you, platonically of course. Then the minister or priest or whoever talked for a bit. Once more, I was unable to pay attention.

Eventually, it was time to go. Though I still felt weird, I went up to your parents to see how they were doing. Your death hit me hard, but I know it must've hurt them so much more. Anne hugged me the second she saw me, and we cried together. Henry also shed some tears, and patted me on the back to comfort me. Then he said the strangest thing, 'We need to tell you something about Kate...'

We went outside to sit on the steps of the church, Anne taking my hands in hers. I watched as people left, walking to their cars with their eyes full of tears. Your death affected so many people... you were so important to so many people... they all care so much about you, they love you so much.

After a moment, Anne spoke. She told me that you loved me. And not platonically... you were in love with me... and you wanted to confess but you were scared you'd mess up our friendship. I knew you were really close with your parents, but I never thought you'd confess your love for me to them. But damn.

They also invited me to stay over at their place for the night, so I'm gonna pack and head over there after I've put this letter on your bed, with the other ones. In the morning, we're going to go to your grave and leave you some flowers. And of course I'm going to get you your favourite roses. I'm going to go down and visit you every month, I promise.

I'm going to go over there soon, and I'm going to bring some of the photos from our photoshoots. I feel like I should also bring some flowers to them, to say that I'm very sorry for their loss.

I'll write another letter to you soon enough, maybe in a month or so. I'll also tell you how the visit goes. I'm sure it'll go well. They're so nice, I like them a lot. They're like the supportive parents I never had.

I miss you a lot. You meant so much to me. You were such an amazing person, so I assume you went to Heaven or someplace nice, I don't know. Wherever you are, I hope you're happy. You deserve that, and so much more.

I love you. And I regret not telling you that while you were still alive. But, someday, we may see each other again. I look forward to then.

Love, Beth