Dulo.

4: Nicole

Agad akong bumangon ilang minuto bago tumunog ang aking alarm.

I definitely am floating in space. It feels like it. I rubbed my eyes, slightly touching the lens of my glasses. Hindi ko na nagawang hubarin ito kagabi. 

I see phosphene. 

Hindi nanaman ako nakatulog nang maayos. I still have my glasses on. The curtains are kept on the window's side. I wonder how I managed to wake up despite the gloom.

Why do I even have an alarm when it's Saturday? Wala naman akong pasok ngayon.

Pumunta na ako ng banyo pero imbes na magayos, tumunganga lang ako sa harap ng salamin. I sigh. Dark circles are visible under my eyes. I seriously look so unhealthy with this pale. 

May mga araw talaga na hindi mo magawang i-appreciate ang sarili mo. With what i'm seeing, I honestly feel so ugly. 

Bago ko pa tuluyang dumugin ang sarili, bumalik na lang ako at naupo sa gilid ng kama. I took my laptop and did a quick scan. Kung ano-ano na ang pinagsesearch ko dahil hindi ako makatulog. Nakabukas pa ang tab ng isang website na pinag-aralan ko kagabi. Agad ko namang pinatay ito at nilapag sa desk. 

I breathe heavily. Tatlong araw na ang dumaan simula noong araw na iyon at hanggan ngayon, hindi matanggal-tanggal sa isipan ko lahat ng nangyari. Naguguluhan at nalilito ako. Idagdag mo pa ang naging usapan na'min nina Tanya, Isabelle, at Eliana sa pool. 

I am finally getting to know more of Archer, but quick question: Do I really have to know him more? If yes, what for? If no, then what does all of this mean? 

We co-existed peacefully in the past without all this. How is this even happening? Why is this even happening in the first place?

Naalala ko bigla ang unang sagot niya sa 20 questions. Does that mean he wants to know me more? Why does he want to know me more when we were always fine with each other in distant ways?

Okay, let's say I'll accept whatever effort he does without question, but how will that be of good end for me? 

As much as I want to acknowledge this as pure friendship, I simply can't. I'm confused. Why does it feel like more? Do friends get jealous? 

Or assuming nga talaga ako?

Archer acts as if we never had the conversation. I could not even have myself ask him why. I seem to have lost my words and will to open up something he asked me to forget.

Biglang may kumatok sa pinto. His head then bobbed out as soon as the knobs twisted open.

"Good morning. Breakfast?" Bati niya. His quiff is fixed and his face looks decent. He flashes a shy smile.

Nagawa ko pang tumunganga lang kanina sa harap ng salamin. Hindi na talaga ako nahiya. 

"Morning. Susunod ako." Sagot ko sa kanya.

"Alright. Are you okay?" I nod. I hear him say "I'll be downstairs" bago niya isinara ang pinto ng kwarto ko. 

Bumalik ulit ako sa banyo and this time, nag-ayos na ako. Naligo ako at nagsuot ng isang maluwag na white shirt at itim na sweatpants. Sigurado akong wala akong matinong trabahong magagawa ngayon araw na ito. Paniguradong hihiga lang ako sa couch at manonood ng netflix.

Walking down the stairs, I notice how dim the great room is kahit may floor to ceiling windows para makapasok ang likas na ilaw mula sa araw. I headed towards the gargantuan window as if it called for me. The clouds nearly massed the entire sky today and not a hint of bright sunlight has penetrated the room. Hindi naman umuulan pero mukhang bubuhos ito mamaya dahil ang kapal. The air conditioner also was not even on when I felt that it was unusually chilly. The sliding doors to the patio were completely kept to the side.