Lonely Again

eight

"So what do you think of Georgian?" I'm here at Jeremy's bar, a week had past since I last saw him, it was when we suddenly bump to Georgian that day. I busied myself for the opening of my business. I started to look for materials and machines. I also went to my parents house in Laguna, I stay there for two days and I ignore Jeremy's calls and texts because I know what he want to say. Like right now.

"Georgian is a great woman, she's my customer and friend. She drinks every now and then and she's a hotty, I know you notice but she's not the easy type, perfectly your taste."

"Don't play match maker again, Jeremy. It's not gonna work." I just said, trying to stop him from saying something about her.

"Well, I regret being the match maker for you and Enika." He said splitting a drink of his mouth. Like he'd been poison of his own drink.

He might feel responsible but I don't blame him for anything, he's my friend since high school. We met Enika during college, we're classmates. Enika and I are not basically close just merely an acquittance during our first year, first semester but Jeremy's close to everyone and he play the match maker when we're in our second semester. Enika and I become a couple during our second year in college.

Whatever happened to me, it's my fault. I might be the one responsible of how things turn this way.

"Don't worry about me, I'm still breathing fine." I joked, trying to lighten up the mood.

But he didn't seem to like my response.

"I know you, Garrett. You are always blaming yourself. Even when it's not your fault to begin with, you will always try to find the wrong with yourself."

"But isn't that a good thing, I'm finding a way for me to be better?"

He take my glass and pour me another shit.

"It's not always that good Garrett. It seems like to me, you are trying to be someone you're not, just for them to like you. But don't always rely to what others may think about you, it's there crumbled mind, not who you are."

"You think so, I think not." I just said.

After Enika left me, I realize the fault is on me.

"I'm trying to call Enika this past week but I guess, it's really over for us. I just don't want it to end, man. I feel so hopeless and crazy." I confessed.

"Forget about her." He simply said and pour me another glass.

"As if it was that simple."

I leave Jeremy's bar past midnight, he offer to give me a ride but I refuse. I drive my way to nowhere, I'm not so sure where in the world I am right now but I'm loving the feeling of getting lost. There are no one in the road except my car so I speed up. The road looks like I'm already far away from the city, the trees filled my views  but when I past through the bridge I saw an open ocean to the side. I decided to park my car at the sand and go out for a walk. I check my phone and it's already past two in the evening. I felt the cool breeze on my skin and hear the wave whenever it touches the shore. The moon light gives me a clearer view of the place. I felt relax for a bit. My drunk self a while ago just got back to his senses.

Once in a while, I want this feeling. I want everything to just go back to normal and just live my life without any concern. I want a life with no pain. But I guess, it's just a fantasy because I know that there's no life without pain. But why does my pain are too heavy to carry?

My eyes watered, I think my heart won't be fix. It will be forever broken. It's not all about Enika, she didn't cause my heart all the pain but she damage it the most.

The cool wind blow my face, that's when my tears started to fall from my eyes. I guess, I'm not gonna be okay, again.

My vision blur and I'm not liking that I can't stop myself from crying. I'm a man, I supposed to not show any single tear. It's not very manly.

I walk and walk around the area, trying to calm myself down. When I didn't, I run to the water and shout my lungs out. I let out my frustration. I feel myself getting wet and my shirt hug my skin. I realize that the water is on my chest level but I walk some more, deeper than it's already is, until my head didn't reach the surface of water. I hold my breathe and close my eyes. What am I doing?