Lonely Again

ten

A long silence filled the whole car, the noises from the raindrops outside are the only one we could hear.

I check for my phone but I remember putting it on my pants a while ago. There's a hint of sun from outside but it's not very evident because of continues raining but it weakens compared to last night. It might be around six in the morning right now, but I can't really tell.

"So, where should I start?"

Her expression look shocked when I began to spoke, I guess she's just waiting for me to say something all this while and give me time to compose my mind.

"Whichever you prefer." she said that in a very calm manner, it was different from the conversation we had last week when she's forcing me to tell my story. Now that I look at her, she seems to be very expert on this field. It looks like she met a lot of people with a lot of concern, like me.

When she's sensing I don't really know where to start, she gave me a nod and spoke.

"Do you want to find a place to stay first? There might be an accommodation near here. Should we look around the place then freshen up before we talk?"

I nodded my head.

"You drive first, I'm gonna follow you behind." she spoke then went out to the passenger seat. I look where she's heading but she just enter her car.

I breath deeply and start my engine, I look at my side mirror every now and then to look if she's still following.

The scene was gloomy but it looks mesmerizing now that I see it from the day. Not a moment later, we started to view houses from the edge of the road, it seems that the street we're heading was busy at this time of hour, the people where walking hurriedly and doing their businesses. I park my car at an open space and got out from the car, I notice Georgian did the same.

We start asking questions to the town's people, a lady vendor was the one who answered us with the answer we need, she even tell us direction of the accommodation. We headed our way following the direction the lady vendor pointed us.

After we did our business, took a shower and the necessities, Georgian started to talk about it again and before I spoke and open up, I compose myself, calm my breathing and inhale a long breath. I look up to her, trying to read the mood yet she's just looking at me like she's patiently  waiting for me to speak my mind.

"You can speak whenever you're ready."

I don't think I will ever be ready about speaking my thoughts because that only means, it's really over for me and Enika. If I started letting out my heart about what happened, it will only break me again, I don't want to go back to the day when my heart's broke because I hated the feeling, it feels like a dagger stab me and slowly deepening the metal through my heart, it's a deadly feeling.

But I also need this, for myself.

"My... story, it's very clichè, you must have heard a lot of story about a person left broken after the break up with the one they imagine their future with, it was same as me." I started but pause for about a minute because the words was cutting my chest, it's painful to the grim of my already broken soul.

Georgian on the other hand was silent, carefully listening to what I was saying.

"Enika's not my first girlfriend, not my first kiss, not my first for a lot of things but I was hoping she would be my last. She's the love I was holding onto for a long time, we're together since college, that was a long years together, we saw the best of each other and the worst, too. We've been at each other side to our best moment and downs, We do a lot of things, achieve a lot of things while holding each other hands, it was the love I can live on for the rest of my life,"

I smiled while thinking about the time we had, it was a happy memories up until now. So, everything that had happened was still not sinking in on my mind.

"The life with her was already planned, before I left the country I promised her that it was only for a while and I will be back to be married to her. She also promise she will wait."

I close my eyes when my breathing started to rumble, my voice also trembled for the words that was hard for me to continued.

"I don't know where did it go wrong, I blame myself too because I felt that I didn't show her enough assurance that I will comeback for her, only for the love I left when I leave the country. Yet, it's too late, I guess. Because before I can properly hold her hand she already let go,"

I take a deep sighed.

"I came back after two years, but I saw her having sex with the Professor I once respect and give my trust with, it was a long flight for me and it was draining me yet what I saw the day I came back was exhausted to the point that I felt like my senses shutting me down, I heard their voices desperately gasping for air but mine was leaving my body, their skin was sweating from the intimate skin ship but you know what, my body was frozen, I should leave or confront them but I just stood there, frozen from the spot."

My voice cracked. The pain in my chest came rushing to filled every veins on my body. Remembering that night was left me broken so I should forget everything but I remember their every moan and every time they share each other, even the counts of their breathing, it remains in my head.

"I want to forget everything, but I'm also willing to forgive them, just for the thought of her coming back in my embrace. I will gladly take her even when she cheated but she didn't want to, it's really over for her but why is it not over for me?"

I felt Georgian started stroking my back, only to realize I was crying. I really don't want someone to know I was this broken but her hand was gentle on my back, it makes me want to let out more.

"When the love you thought was the love you will live to for the rest of your life was shattered, what should you do next? What would be the next step?" I asked

Georgian gave me a sad smile. "A love that didn't happened will supposed to be left to where it was ended. For you to move forward is to not look back, love like that was meant to hurt you and left you heartbroken but it's meant to be a lesson too."

I look at her and she look at me, we share a gaze that was like comforting the loud beating of my entirely tired being.

"You know what, Garrett, a love like yours was real that's why it's hard to let the feelings go, but when it was over let it passed by because that's only mean it's not the last love you was hoping, it was the love that supposed to be the almost but not the real thing, a love will come to you again and when it's right, it will happens. The pain that broke you will soon heal, help yourself pick up the pieces of your broken heart and fix it along with time."

"It's hard, I don't know where to start again."

"Start today, accept the love that go, accept the fact that it's already over."

"It's not easy."

"It's was never easy but you have to."