Do I hate you? [BXB]

- Fourteen -

<Cole's pov>

"He will never, ever, ever, ever, ever, forgive me as long as I fucking live and why am I such a moron! I even made a whole ass deal about wanting to get along with him that one time we were in his God damn room!

"Why did I have to get so shitty with him at the party for something as pathetic as jealousy? Why the hell was I even jealous? The annoying thing was, before I told him all this crap, I was more content with the fact he got it on with fucking Tripp! Tripp! That guy is one marble away from crazy. But now, I'm even more angry that Tripp, the shitweasle he is, managed to get one of those kisses from James!

"Better still, James is a guy! Okay, maybe I was a little shocked that he had kissed guys before but like, if that's the way he swings, then all good for him, but whenever I jerk one out it's to girls! Does he have boobs? No! Nipples? Maybe, but I've never looked at his nipples and wanted to suck on them the way I would look at a girl's nipples and would want to do that!

"Jesus fuck Cole, what part would I even play if we had sex anyway? I mean, he made it obvious that he was coming onto me - so does that mean? Oh Christ! I've never even once thought about taking it up the ass and all of a sudden, I can't stop thinking about it! And, what's more, I just want to know if he was hard too! I was too sucked up into my own humiliation of having a boner for him, to pay attention to if he had one too!

"But what if I had turned him on? How big is his dick anyway? Maybe I should ask- NO! What am I even saying, I need to figure out how I'm going to talk to him- no, how will I even look him in the eye? And who is to say I won't just get hard again thinking about his tongue down my throat! Oh Fu~~~uck!"

Yes, this is the ultimate Cole secret that absolutely no human knows about me: I talk to myself!

No, I'm not crazy but they say it's the first sign. However, whoever said that has obviously never tried talking to themselves. This shit is a god send, fuck therapists. Who else is a better judge, to where my head is at, than me?

Anyhow, the headlines for today's shitletter is: Boy Figures out His New Friend is a Good Kisser and Now Can't stop Thinking About Getting Dicked-Down by Said Friend! It's a long one, I know, but I feel like it summarises my situation perfectly.

I'm sat here, around the back of some loud ass ventilator - no I seriously have no idea what this thing is but I think it's breathing so I wouldn't come near it if I were you - hugging my knees and cursing at a tree. I mean, I'm all for nature and saving the planet, all that jazz (peace maaaan) so talking to trees is just part of my duty - no need to thank me.

So! A dilemma has appeared and I'm hard for my friend. I'm a late bloomer when it comes to things like kissing and sex, but I've seen a lot and read a lot so I know about it. All I'm lacking is, dun dun duuuhn, experience! Well, up until today, that is, when I had the greatest make out session, I think anyone has ever had in their lives! Actually, I am being biased so don't listen to me - unless you want to.

Dilemma two, it's currently October and so cold I think my nipples are about to freeze off. During my freak out session of having the hots for James, I forgot to bring a fucking top! Or jacket! Or coat! Point is, I'm cold and I'm in boxers and shorts, shirtless. And no, I can't go back in because what if he's still there.

Bonus points though, if you can even call it that, but my erection is gone! The blood obviously is being prioritised somewhere else in my body right now, thank god! Therefore, I'm not hard for my buddy anymore - I just once was hard for him.

Well, I have been sat here - by the breathing thing - for 15 minutes now and I think it's safe to assume he could actually be gone by now...Oh dammit! I forgot I was meant to meet up with TJ for a coffee. Now it's half past too, being half an hour late, I should go back.