𝙖𝙪𝙩𝙪𝙢𝙣 𝙡𝙚𝙖𝙫𝙚𝙨 | namjin ✔️

11 | ❝ i'll get better ❞

beep... beep... beep...

the dull beeping of the heart monitor was the only sound in the room.

"yeah i will, i will, mom," i spoke softly into my phone as i paced back and forth. "i'll let you know when he wakes up... okay... bye, love you."

i let out and sigh, running a hand through my hair as i gazed at you on the hospital bed.

your skin was pale, your hair was messy. your chest rose and fell steadily, in sync with the beats of the monitor.

you looked... at peace.

i sat down beside the bed, enveloping your hand in mine. it felt slightly cold.

when you were rushed to the emergency room, i was afraid. so fucking afraid. every minute i spent sitting on the cold bench felt like agony, waiting for the doctors to come and tell me that you were okay, that you were alive, that i haven't lost you yet.

"he passed out due to blood loss and the effects of the overdose," they finally told me. "you were able to get him in time, a few more mintues late and..."

perhaps it was then that it occured to me how important you are to me, kim seokjin. the way you lit up my world. the way you made me laugh on the saddest of days. the way i felt like myself around you. happy, valued, loved.

i wondered if i would get to say all of this to you one day.

i felt something squeeze my hand.

"h-hey."

oh, how i thought i'd never hear that voice again.

"you're awake!" i exclaimed, as i helped you sit up in bed.

"how do you feel?"

you were silent for a while before you answered, "my throat's dry and my head hurts a little."

"oh right, here i'll get you water."

there was a silence as you sipped your water. but, it wasn't uncomfortable or awkward.

"namjoon- ah..." you finally spoke, your voice sounding fragile. "i'm- i'm sorry-"

"hyung, i told you it's fine-"

"no its not!" you snapped, tears brimming in your eyes. "it's not okay. i- i was a selfish jerk who didn't think of anyone but myself, not of my family, not of you, or any of our friends! i just... wanted the pain to go away, i was so tired if hurting and nothing helped and- and i'm such a fucking coward!"

you shuddered as tears streamed down your cheeks, holding your head in your hands.

"hey, hey come here." i whispered as i pulled you close.

i held you as you sobbed into my chest. seeing you so weak, so vulnerable, it made my heart shatter.

"do you... wanna know what i think?" i began as i rubbed your back gently. "i think that you're the most selfless, most amazing, most beautiful person in the world. and that whatever you were going through... whatever you did, it's not your fault at all."

i held your face as i dried your tears. "i just... i just wish i had you had told me sooner, you know? i told you i wanted to help."

"i was just... afraid," you looked down. "i didn't want to burden you with my problems and-"

"hyung," i interrupted. "you'll never be a burden to me. you're... you're the best thing in my life, and i care about you, okay?"

before you could say anything, a knock sounded on the door as a doctor walked in.

"good evening, seokjin- ssi," he said. "good to see you're awake. how are you feeling?"

"...fine," you said simply. "when can i go home?"

"well, your vitals seem to be working properly, but you are on suicide watch for two days," the doctor replied. "you'll be discharged after that but you'll have to come in twice a week with your therapy sessions with doctor choi."

"...therapy?"

"simple standard procedure, seokjin- ssi," there was a hint of pity in his voice. "i hope you understand."

"okay then," you sighed. "thank you doctor."

"you okay?" i asked as the doctor left.

"just... worried, about therapy. you know i'm hesitant to talk about my problems... and to a total stranger..."

"well," i began, putting an arm around your shoulders. "how about i accompany you? that way you can pretend you're talking to me rather than the doctor."

you looked up, surprise evident in your eyes. "you'd do that?"

"of course."

you smiled; it was small yet beautiful. i pulled you close again so your head was resting on my shoulder.

"i'll... i'll try to get better, joon-ah," you whispered. "i promise."

"and i'll be with you every step of the way."