The Ace (Stray Kids Kim Seungmin)

Why I Disappeared...

First things first, I just want to apologise for just disappearing back in March without a word. I am sorry for leaving you all waiting for months without any explanation and I'm sorry that I haven't updated any of my stories for so long.

I wanted to write this earlier but I didn't know what to say. I know every time I don't update in a while I always blame it on writer's block but this time I believe it was more than that.

It started off small and so I decided to take a few days off. Writing has always been a form of stress relief for me but in March it started to feel like more of a chore than something I was enjoyed. I tricked myself into thinking that writing was something I enjoyed doing but it was clear the pressure of always wanting my work to be perfect was getting to me.

I began wanting to rewrite all of my work because every time I read a snippet I hated what I saw and knew I could do better. Nothing I wrote seemed good enough for the standards I made for myself and nothing I published seemed worthy to be read.

Then numbers came into the picture. I know everyone says this but once you begin to start focusing on numbers, it's the only thing you can see. And don't get me wrong, I am thankful for everyone of you reading my stories but sometimes things like this happen. I was greedy for more views that I forgot to appreciate the people that already gave me their attention and I'm sorry for that.

In late March I was told my exams were cancelled and I didn't take the news as well as I wanted to. Since I turned 12, my life consisted mainly of me studying and doing everything in my power to make sure I got good grades which was what led me to writing on Wattpad in the first place. As I said, writing was a way to de-stress for me and it was what helped me get through the toughest of days. Hearing that my IGCSEs were cancelled seemed to be the end of the world for me. I felt like everything I had been working towards for the last 4 years had been stripped away from me and I had no say in it. I felt like a failure. I threw everything away for the last 4 years for nothing. I threw my life away to focus on studying for an exam I will never get the chance to write.

This made me question everything I had done in the last 4 years and writing all these stories became one of the things I questioned. I wanted to give everything up. I wanted to delete all my stories and then deactivate my account. I wanted to throw everything from the last 4 years away and forget about that stage in my life. And I almost did but then I realised that it wouldn't be fair to you guys and it most certainly wouldn't be fair to my past self so I decided against it. But that didn't stop me from despising myself every time I came across anything I wrote. In May, I finally decided it best to distance myself from this app so that I won't do anything I would regret.

Recently I've been wondering whether to leave Wattpad altogether. I haven't had any motivation to write since March and I'm worried that I may have permanently destroyed something I once loved. I feel stupid for letting things get as bad as they did but I don't even know where to begin picking things up. I thought taking a break would help clear my mind but nothing has changed yet.

I truly hope I will be able to return soon and that I will love writing again. I don't want to leave Wattpad because it has always been more than just an app to me. So, as a last resort, I figured telling you guys how I've been feeling and asking for your advice would help.

Thank you so much for everything. Thank you for providing me something to live for for the last 4 years and thank you for never leaving me. Thank you all so much and I'm so, so sorry.

~SpicyThaiChicken