McPricely Oneshots (Book of Mormon)

It Is Not You I See

A/N: This one is based on the song Half-Light by BANNERS. It's really good and you guys should go listen to it if you haven't already. 

Connor's POV:

I'm nervous. You have that look in your eye again. The one that tells me you're losing control, falling underneath again. I take a moment to wonder. What is that takes over, grips you tightly, dragging you away from me and into its clutches, destroying you, even just for a moment?

I know you can fight it this time. Tear whatever it is to pieces. Nobody tears things apart like you. You and your beautiful mind and sparkling warm eyes that crashed into my life and ripped it apart in the most amazing way possible. I was so young and innocent, blissfully unaware of the demons you face beneath that shining smile.

Candlelight flickers up the walls, casting a shadow across your face, contorted with a horrible blend of pain and resignation. This isn't you. This isn't you. This isn't you. This is just a part of you, the part you don't let me see. You only show me half of yourself, the altered version of you, the one who smiles and cooks me breakfast in bed and loves romantic comedies even though you refuse to admit it. That's the half of you I see. The world sees. Nobody sees the pain you're in. tell me about your pain. I can take it.

Normally when you're like this you run from me, shut me out. Not now. Not this time. Why not? You're letting me in to a part of you that you've fought so hard to hide for too long. So long that I thought maybe I'd never know the real you. Not all of you anyway.

Your pain floods out of you, washing over me, knocking the breath from me, a cruel insight to what you face daily. How do you do it? Mask this, what you feel? How do you do it alone? It hurts so much. It's there for a second, then you're smiling again, that perfect mask. How long have you been hiding behind it, to have it so flawless? Take it off. Let me see the you behind the forced smiles and pain-filled laughs.

You wander alone in the darkness, blind to the people surrounding you offering candles, offering guidance. This is your battle, your fight. As much as we want to help you, you're lost. You're lost in the dark, letting it swallow you. I try to join you, to help you, but I can't. In your darkness, only the blind can see.

What is it that possesses you? What demons follow you through every day of your life, striking just when I think that we're going to be okay? We'll be okay, I tell myself every time, we'll make it through. Yet every time they grip you again, pull you beneath the surface into the depths, where I can't follow you. Every time I try to help you, keep you afloat. Why can't you see me?

Can you shake them off? Can you fight it, for me? For you? For all these people around you who try to help? You shove them away, retreat into your shell, and hide from the light I offer. When I see glimpses of this half of you, I don't like the half I'm seeing. I can't bear to watch you fall apart over and over again when all I can do is stand there and watch, powerless to save you from the darkness that consumes you. This isn't you. I promise that. This can't be it for you. There has to be light. I feel like I'm trying to convince myself of that more than you.