Rewind

Chapter 19

Chapter 19

It's been a week since the night of my panic attack's trigger. Time flew by real fast, and I didn't know if I was glad by this fact or not. Even though Adam's presence in the house drastically belittled as he was obviously trying to avoid any discomfort between us, I didn't feel anywhere near the same as the emptiness of this house- not at all. I felt extremely occupied. I found what kept me busy enough to distract me from the lack of warmth that came with his absence.

       Throughout this week, my mind revolved around different thoughts about certain different things. For starters, I couldn't stop thinking about last week's night. It was a night that was empty of sleep. During thunderstorms, I never actually could force my eyes to shut down and just relax my body. I never could succumb to the heaviness of my eyelids and just get lost in my dreams, for my fear of the night always outweighs my need to give in to the calm.

       Even though Adam's presence next to me on the couch was surprisingly soothing to both my heart and my mind, I was swimming in a sea of guilt. Not only did he lay there next to me as he offered me comforting words from a time to the other, but he also refused my plea for him to go to sleep. Tire was evident in his drooping eyelids, yet whenever I'd tell him, "Adam, I'm all good now. Please, just go sleep; you really look tired", any ounce of sleep that was evident in his eyes would instantly disappear as he'd eye me promisingly. "For the eleventh time, I don't want to sleep. I won't leave you alone, Evangeline. Lexi told me that during these nights of your panic attacks you won't sleep unless the thunder goes away and the sun rises. I won't sleep until you do. Just forget it."

   When the thunder left for good, and the sun rose three hours later that night, I lied on my bed awake. Although my body kept begging me to go to sleep, I became aware of what happened, and since I was back in control of my body, I couldn't help but recall everything that happened downstairs.

     Heat crawled up to my cheeks as the image of how I clutched onto his arm like a baby, when he was about to leave, appeared in my mind. Excited butterflies danced in my stomach at the memory of when he kept caressing my quivering hand tenderly. My heart warmed up at how much it's evident that he cares about me, and I couldn't help thinking how Adrien was never like that with me. We might've held hands, and he might've gently rubbed my hands before, but he'd never treated me with such tenderness like Adam did. He didn't even know about my anxiety attacks that were related to the presence of thunder. He doesn't know me like Adam does.

     The next day Lexi came over to check up on me. She kept constantly apologizing; her eyes filled with guilt as she explained to me how her parents literally locked her up in her room. They didn't want her to leave the house when going outside would've been suicide. Reassuring her that it was okay; that I totally understand; that there's no need to feel guilty; that I wasn't alone and that Adam took care of me, the guilt that was so clear in her eyes was suddenly replaced by mischievousness. Needless to say, she coerced me to 'spill the beans' on what happened with Adam and I that night. She'd constantly 'aw' from a time to the other as I recapped to her what happened, which would result in an eye roll and an embarrassed smile from me as a response.

    That day Lexi swung by is the same exact day Adam taught me something new about myself. Apparently, the reason why I get those attacks during such nights is that they match the night of the accident. As Adam demonstrated, there were strong rain, lightning and thunder on the day of the incident itself. I always thought I was just born with astraphobia, but I never thought my mind mentally related such nights to that dreadful one I lived through. Even though I don't remember the actual accident, I came up with the conclusion that- subconsciously- my mind is well aware of the damage it did to me.