Undeniably Hopeless

something old and something new

October rolled round and I wasn't ready for what was ahead of me. Mocks were over and everything was sort of normal, and that's a rather big sort of.  The mornings were growing dark and gloomy, people started to lack the motivation for waking up at 6 am five days a week and actually listen to their teachers who kept droning on and on and on for what felt like hours on end.  I had grown tired of hearing Rose only talk to Millie and the other sat at our table in the lunch hall but I could never say anything.

One day, perhaps the 8th or 9th of October, it was raining. Hard. The rain pelting against the windows and roof viciously, what a way to set the mood.  That lunch I got up and walked away completely tired of everyone's bullshit because every day was the same. I was followed, of course, my friends now pretending to actually care. Then I said something. Everything ran off my tongue in a hot minute, everything I had felt and was feeling was out in the open.  Everything about how sick I felt, how alone I felt, how I wanted to cry myself to sleep every night because I wasn't and couldn't be enough... They stood there taking it all in like mindless drones, "you're being ridiculous... Don't be so silly.... It isn't like that... I don't know what your on... lets just go back..."  Of course that made me feel so much better, so reassured that I personally wanted to throw myself clean out the nearest fucking window. Ill always remember it, what they said how they said it. I don't know why maybe because it led to my downfall.

After that I kept my mouth shut, I didn't even tell Lottie or Sandra how I really felt, I got asked how I was and how school was id answer with the simple "I'm okay" or "school was fine" then quickly flip the conversation or change the subject. It was then I realised I was only fooling myself. I didn't love Rose anymore, any actual and true feelings I had for her died back in September. I loved her, I did, I loved her more than anything else I had but then it soon went away. Falling out of love is hard. It is harsh on your heart because you don't know what happens next. You have to force yourself to smile through It even though it is one of the harshest things that can happen to you. Lottie was the first to know.

Rose had messaged me in the late evening on October 10th, the first time id received a message from her first in a long time. She wanted to break up, she was breaking up with me. She said I was cheating, accused me of cheating because of how close I seemed with my best friend saying I didn't treat her like my girlfriend anymore, that I might as well go date my best friend if I wasn't already behind her back. I, of course I link my feelings to a meme, had never heard such bullshit before in my life, I was not complaining because I guess you could say we were officially over I didn't have to be sad and glum all the time. I wasn't dragging this weight, weight of a ton of questions anymore as now I didn't need any answers. However, I did explain to her that I was cheating, that I could never do that to someone because its the lowest of the low. She didn't care she said she just wanted this over. I didn't realise I was actually sad until I cried. I cried so loud. Sobbed and practically wailed for reasons I couldn't explain. I found out you could feel pain and relief at the same time at that moment, the pain of loosing someone you loved so hard and the relief of being able to be cheery again without having this eternal gloom inside. Lottie was the first to know.

I had told Sandra the next day, but let me rewind a bit.

I woke up on the stormy morning of October 11th early, 5:30 am to be exact so I could get ready. The first time in a long time, how original of me, I felt motivated to do something... and when I say do something I mean put an actual effort into doing my hair and slapping make up on my face with the help of a large cup of coffee followed my a larger cup of tea.  Then I caught the bus and boom I was at school. No one wants to hear about school so ill save you the hassle and say I got a detention for wearing a pair of jeans and I had forgot to do my physics homework but who needs physics. I got home and got changed and thought. I sat and actually took in what happened in the past few days. Me and Rose were still friends and now she was talked to me, I hung out with different people and had a much better day and finally admitted it to myself. I fell out of love with Rose a while ago because I had fell in love with someone else. Someone nicer, someone that listened, someone that really knew how to make me smile without even trying. I had fallen in love with Sandra. And oh boy here we go again...