subdued subtleties ━━ keanu reeves

IV. LAKESIDE EMPTINESS

❝ it was like a film strip
of bad memories
playing and playing and playing
all over your head. ❞

CHAPTER FOUR:
LAKESIDE EMPTINESS

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When we reached our destination, Karr Jovi immediately sat on the grass while watching lake waters flow indifferently ahead.

"We've been talking and talking yet I still don't know your name─what I mean is that I still don't know what to call you between your equally complicated names."

He let out an "ohh" and laughed, he said right after: "You can call me Karr Jovi, Karr or Jovi. Whatever you really wanna call me, you know."

"How about you? Do you have a second name no one else really knows of?" he asked, leaning on his arms for support and glancing at me during intervals.

"No," I gave him a dry smile. "Just your same ol' Dahlia Johansson."

"Well, you have a really pretty name. Unlike mine." he frowned, slightly pouting his lips in frustration. "Karr Jovi Affluorr. What name is that?" he added.

"At least your name is distinguished in a way, you know? Karr Jovi Affluorr ain't too bad."

"It's like Care Jow-vee Ah-floor. It's such a weird name. Ever since then I was bullied by those awful, bedeviled kids who had normal names like 'Jim' or 'Danny' because I swear to God, he knows I'm sufferin'." he said in a tone of insecurity mixed with very subtle anger. He emphasized every syllable in his name with disdain. He then looked at me and curved the right side of his lip upward. "I wish I was normal, y'know."

"Well, being conventional and conformed doesn't do you any good. Maybe. Sure. Maybe it does. But being just like anybody else diminishes how special and unique you are as a person. That's why I don't like how my dad treats me like I'm some cool, modern, on-the-trend teenager."

"In what way does your dad's treatment─to you─relate to conformity?"

"It's just like being treated like a rat in a cage." I said briefly.

"Be honest with me though: does your dad really treat you like the way you put it?"

And then boom. I remained silent. I look away from him and fixated my gaze on the still waters dancing whenever the wind tells them to. I feigned indifference.

I replied: "Don't care."

"Well, from what I saw earlier, he treats you nice and well. I'd kill to have a dad like that. My childhood was rough and I hope yours wasn't."

I glanced at him. "It's heavy, you know. It's heavy to have such a rough childhood and not having the strength to heal from it completely. It's like this whole film strip of bad memories playing and playing and playing all over your head. Like a cassette that never stops. It's painful." he followed. I gave him an apologetic glance.

"I'm sorry."

"Why're you sayin' sorry, Dal? It's okay. I guess I'm over it when I don't think about it much." he said in a consoling manner. He playfully patted my shoulder and smiled.

"It's just that I also had a rough childhood, too."

He gave me a pitiful, wry smile. "Oh, I don't need your pity." I told him. I rolled my eyes playfully.

"Dahlia, it's an inevitable emotion. You feel it when you're supposed to. Besides, you can decide to not tell me about what you don't wanna talk about. It's completely fine with me."

"Gee whiz, Karr. You sound like a shrink." I scoffed.

Before he could respond, I asked him with a question I had in mind: "But how about you? Do you wanna talk about your rough past?"

"I've always wanted to. I just couldn't find the right person to confide in."

"You can talk to me," I said suggestively, looking away.

"Are you alright with it?" he asks for confirmation. I nod at him in response.

"My dad's a criminal."

And in shock, I inwardly widened my eyes and pushed myself slightly aback. "Gee, okay,"

"And the reason why I have such a weird name is because he was on the run when my mother was pregnant with me."

I nodded, listening attentively.

"Dad left. Eventually. But before he did so, he promised my mom he'd visit her and eventually us every Christmas. But that never really happened. Christ, it was horrid. I always found myself listening to 'I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus' every Christmas hoping Santa was Dad. But that never happened. Rumor has it Dad was dead. But after the cray-cray spread of hearsay, I still never saw Dad."

"I'm sorry." I said.

"No! It's fine,"

"But about your name─?"

"Oh!" he chuckled slightly. "Karr is from my dad Carlos. Instead they made it sound like 'Care' instead of 'Car' and they stylized the spelling into this weird thing─"

"But Jovi is from my mother named Jodi. Again, stylization. Weird. Now, here's the twist. My last name was supposed to be Affleck but since Dad was on the run and he changed names, I am now forever an offspring of a fugitive and a devout catholic."

"Well, that's a story─"

"I know right!"

"But still," he added. "That's forever a scar to me. Like an unfixable Lego house."

"Dad's sins and mistakes are forever etched into my heart 'cause they lie in my name and now I just couldn't take that baggage off me."

I put my hand around his shoulder and patted on his back. "That's okay. Things'll always get better."

"I know."

"I'm glad you do."

And then we looked away from each other. I don't know if he felt anything but I sure did. But I always try to repress it every once in a while.

I felt like there were butterflies all around us and all of them just fled to my stomach. I felt them dancing in there. The butterflies of flying colours swarming all around my belly and sometimes even hanging heavy on my chest. There was warmth. There was an odd type of solace.

When I looked at him, all I saw was a boy mesmerized by the fascinating sunset waving her goodbyes to meet with the celestial moon in the middle of the horizon. Golden colours flooded on his face as the sun's gentle kiss illuminated his complexion.

And when he looked back, I looked away. But this time, he didn't ask me to talk or look back. From my peripheral vision, I saw him smile. But he immediately looked away.

Now that the moon has shone on us with its lunar luminescence, he asked me if we should go home now.

And with a smile, I stood up, pulling him up by the hand and said yes.