Quarantine Boys

Part 3: The Memories

As I open my Snapchat, I get the feeling like he really wants to talk to me. Like he is wanting really hard to text me or something. I don't know why I keep getting these feelings or sensing this stuff. I have always been able to sense certain things before they happen but that was when I was younger for the most part. Now I don't really have those what I would call "superpowers" anymore.

But anyway, as I open it up, I begin to read what he said. "I am extremely sorry about everything that I have done to you. I think the reason why I acted that way was because I was too scared to acknowledge my own sexuality. I was jealous of how you were just openly feminine. Then when I found out you liked me I took advantage of that and I am truly sorry. I have been working up the courage to finally tell you that." He sent a voice recording of him apologizing. When I tell you he had the sexiest deep voice, I mean HE HAD THE SEXIEST DEEP VOICE. He also could speak Spanish too, which I just like with deep voiced guys. Not that I still like Jordan. I'm just saying. Ugh. I think too much.

He sent another voice recording. Boy was I glad to play another but he said, "I identify as bisexual, but mainly leaning towards guys. Also....ugh....I know you probably hate me but I want you to know that I have a crush on you."

First of all, he can suck my left toe. I don't like him like that anymore because of what he did, yet he still tells me he likes me. I LEFT THE SCHOOL BECAUSE OF HIM. He is so annoying. I decide to text him back, "How do I know you aren't lying about the apology and about you liking me?" He then proceeds to send me a snap. As in a picture snap of him frowning. He typed "I am truly sorry and I do like you. You don't have to like me but I want to make amends." Okay so now I'm seeing what he is looking like now. He looks kinda short but let me describe what I am seeing more thoroughly. He has nice curly/wavy brown hair, black eyes, is very muscular but not too muscular (like you can see his muscles through the shirt), and he was wearing a black tank top. Ugh. If I wasn't still mad at him I would be drooling. Why he gotta be a cute, muscular, curly headed, Hispanic boy. Like he literally is exactly my type. I can't let his looks distract me though.

I am going to send him a snap back. I clicked on the camera button to take picture of myself. I am putting up my middle finger and telling him to "Go back to Hell". I sent it. Not even two seconds later did he open it. He just snapped back saying "I deserve that. But I really want to show you that I am not trying to play games. I am really sorry." That was his caption but the picture was of him in a hoodie now holding down the hood part while sticking his tongue out. He is really weird kind of. But it's cute UGH. I must have really moved on cause now I can see him in the light that he is just cute. I mean I have anger towards him still but I really have moved on.

I click to snap him back. I am going to just take a picture of me mean mugging or making a angry face. I took the picture of me and I also stuck my tongue out (cause I'm still a little childish hahaha.) I sent it. Now he just..oh wait he opened it as soon as it sent. He is probably going to say how can I make it up to you. I open the snap up to just see him looking so sad and not at all happy, which he shouldn't be. Maybe he is really upset about it.

He sent another snap but it was a video this time. He said "Alex or Alexander, I am really sorry and I know it's been a while but I have been going to therapy to help me with my behavior. I realized that the only way to truly feel better is to know that you are no longer angry at me for the dumb shit I did. You deserve to be and I don't want to make you even more mad by talking to you. Please except my apology. I will do whatever it takes to prove I am sorry!"

So is he so persistent on me being happy and not mad at him because he likes me or because he wants closure or both. Also can we just talk about this man's voice. Like UGHHH. I must be attracted to the bad boys. Oh my gosh. Am I attracted to guys that hurt me. Wait ew. No I'm not. I just like my deep voiced, curly headed, muscular, Hispanic boys. Honestly I do forgive him but I don't like him to the point where I will keep talking to him.

I am about to snap him a video. I start by saying, "Wow Jordan. I don't know if that was true or not but it was pretty convincing. Either ways I'm not buying into whatever you are trying to do. If you're being genuine then good. If not then just stop texting and snapping me when you open this video up. You can watch my lives but do not comment on them saying 'I like you. You're so cute.' You're just going to confuse me. So just stop talking to me if you don't mean what you said. I can deal with the stress you caused me anymore. I've moved on."

The moment I sent the snap, tears ran down my face. I am so disgusted by the fact that most of my school years are just memories of being called a "Faggot" by him or having the most disturbed rumors about me going around in school. The memories of waiting to get home from school in order to cry and having to tell your parents what was happening, even though I wasn't ready to come out yet to them. The memories of being alone because I had no friends. No one wanted to be around a "fag" and others just didn't like me cause I am black. The race part I could handle cause I know how bad racism really can get, but yet somehow the homophobia from Jordan really destroyed me. No one deserves that. And I'm disgusted that through all of that, I can still being attracted to his sorry ass. I have to remember that he is cute on the outside and dark on the inside.

I'm the midst of all of these thoughts I get sent a snap from Jordan....