We've reached 8k Reads! What a milestone! I can't go around individually hugging each and every one of you, so.....I'm going to make you read something SO strange and vile, you'll go hug yourself! Yayyy! :D
In this AU, everything goes smoothly and allll our hopes and dreams and wishes for Rowaelin come trueeee. Hehehehe
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Alloweth us travel'th back in time
In fair Varese, we lay our scene
Where Celaena Sardothien, malt-worm on a rooftop
has just discovered that h'r mate is...
...a bird.
Beloved reader, thee may wanteth to grab a drinke for this
-Shakespeare, probably
"I swear to the damned gods. I'm not into birds or dogs or any other animals. I mean like fuck how'd that even work with a rutting bird oh rutting gods the logistics are motherfucking insane I don't even want to think about—"
The bird gave an indignant squawk. Then it took off towards her, and Calaena fell onto her ass in fright. If she was anything but a trained assassin, she'd have fallen to the cobbled streets below, but she managed to keep that much of her balance, at least.
There was a flash of light, then standing over her was the most perfect, handsome, tall, muscular silver-haired fae male she had ever seen or would see in her entire life. He had a wicked tattoo that sucked out all the sunlight on the side of his face, and emanated such intimidating power.
She didn't know a thing about this man but he was absolutely gorgeous, the epitome of perfection and everything she'd never knew she wanted—no, needed! Her mate...
...Then she looked, really looked at his face, beyond his sensuous mouth and wickedly sharp canines and perfect cheekbones and beautiful pine-green eyes (it was admittedly a little difficult to do so, but she managed), and realized he was...
..smiling?
"I've found you at last!" whispered the beautiful green-eyed man. "My life is complete!"
"So is mine," Celaena proclaimed, hearts in her eyes. "What's your name, gorgeous?"
"Rowan Whitethorn, my Princess."
"Oh no," she whimpered, "Darling, I don't like being called the—the P word!"
"But we must reclaim your throne and rule over the galaxy, together!"
"Okay," Aelin said happily, "We shall ignore the effects of my childhood trauma as a political chesspeice in hiding, and being a slave in a death camp, and last but not least, being an indentured child servant who's been literally tortured into not accepting parts of my identity! Hehehe!"
"Wonderful! Not like that shapes you and is something you should have the time to confront and deal with or anything, haha! Let us commence to the next stage of things!"
Then Rowan and Aelin took one good look at each other and realized that the other was quite attractive. They smirked at each other, took off certain things, and proceeded to perform a very sacrilegious act right there, on the poor, innocent rooftop!
For the purpose of keeping this rating down, one must stick to the very vague details. Let us refer to their activity as the....mating dance. Ahem. Yes, Children, as the name implies, it is a kind of... uh... dance. They were dancing. Yes , really. Uh...lots of—...body....movements... That's basically dancing, right? Right! Moving on!
It so happened that their, ahem, dancing activities caused such a ruckus that people below them quickly caught on, and they were not pleased.
"You blasphemous dogs!" screamed a scandalized resident, "Stop this right now!"
"No way," Rowan and Aelin bellowed, their bodies moving passionately. "It is True Love™!"
"Get indoors, and lock the door!" A street beggar begged.
"Yeah," another vagrant shouted, "Please. we'll even pay you, just please, do the decent thing!"
Eventually, their bold and passionate display on the rooftop drew a crowd of protestors and Aelin and Rowan finally had to stop. Luckily, neither had to spend coin to book an inn, because the ever-so-generous people of Varese had gathered all the money they needed to find a room.
And so Rowaelin spent several weeks burning up all the innocent inns of Wendlyn with their passionate—uh—mating dances. Eventually, so much um, dancing, led to consequences, and Aelin got pregnant. The stork dropped down two kids, whom the loving parents named Lyria and Chaol.
(Warning: naming your children something like Taylor and Kendall when your own name is Harry Styles is quite an unusual thing to do. Therefore, please do not try such a thing without adult supervision.
Now, back to our regularly scheduled programming.)
It so happened that by now, Rowan realized that he was still bound by the blood oath to his Aunt Maeve.
"My love, my life," Rowan told Aelin, "I am still but a slave to my Aunt, the Evil Queen Maeve. Save me!"
"No problem, baby boy," Aelin kissed her precious birb and travelled to Doranelle, where she burned Maeve alive in cold blood in front of thousands of fae citizens.
Rowan soon joined her with their children, and, in a display of blatant nepotism, crowned his cousin the Queen. Then the little family of four, soon to be five, came back to Erilea with a fae Army, kicked Erawan, Darrow, and the gods' asses.
And thus, everything mysteriously worked out for them and they lived happily. ever. after.
The End
I'm sorry for torturing you with a joke chapter, this shitpost kind thing is what I started out writing. Guess this is kind of an SNL skit type of chapter. The real extra chapter will be out soon, please don't leave me! lmao, ILY 💕
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My Mate Can't be a Bird! (I swear I'm not into that kind of stuff)
FanfictionAelin and Rowan know they're mates the moment they meet. Well, sort of. It's...complicated. --Excerpts-- ------ "You," She slurred her words, pointing to the hawk with her empty wine bottle, "you're-but-" Calaena was drunk and confused after the m...
