Fanfics

OTS part 6 - by yotuub

Grace has been to parties before. There really is no need to freak out like this. This one just happens to be the last time she sees Hannah before the tour. And that's fine.
Staring at her wardrobe, Grace impulsively decides she owns too many denim shirts. So she can't wear one of those.
But then, also, she doesn't want to look like she has made a massive effort.
So maybe she should wear a denim shirt.
But maybe wearing a denim shirt would indicate that she couldn't decide what to wear, and the last thing Grace wants to do is give anyone a hint that she is anything other than fine.
So no denim shirt. And really, what does any of this matter? Nobody is going to notice, they'll be too busy focusing on the girl who is leaving to tour the country for ten weeks, not the girl who feels like she's going to breakdown and cry.
Grace frowns hard at her wardrobe, silently willing the denim shirt conundrum to resolve itself. There's a clatter on the other side of the door, and then some muffled swearing. Grace yanks the door open on impulse.
"Mamrie? What are you wearing tonight?"
Mamrie looks up at her, one foot half way into her shoe.
"Um, clothes, my regular clothes? Come on Helbig, you've been in there forever, and you haven't changed anything."
Grace looks down at herself, and then makes a decision. Fuck it.
"I'll go like this. It's only to Hannah's place."
...
Oh, and now she feels under-dressed.
Dammit.
Hannah hugs her tight, before releasing her to hug Mamrie, and Grace makes a massive mental effort to not hang around and wait for Hannah's attention again, but instead moves through to the rest of Hannah's apartment, smiling at the other guests. Pearl is in the kitchen, and Grace sets her bag of bottles on the floor before giving her a hug.
"Hi... how are you feeling right now?"
Pearl laughs once, and squeezes back.
"Excited. Terrified, also. A lot of terrified."
Sounds familiar. Grace rests a hand on Pearl's shoulder, and nods, understanding.
"Ten weeks with Hannah in an RV is... well. Good luck."
Pearl sighs, and pauses for a second, apparently listening to Hannah's shouts of laughter in the background at whatever Mamrie is up to.
"We kept the funding open for so long in order to cover my therapy bills post tour, I think."
Grace grins wide, and reminds herself that she doesn't always have to try and be funny.
"You'll look after yourselves, will you? Don't, um, don't lose her some place, she likes wandering off."
Pearl nods, and then looks very seriously up at Grace.
"I'm trying to figure out how to fit her with a tracer, if you have any ideas..."
Hannah appears in the doorframe, and dances for a split second to the song blaring out in the next room, before coming over to inspect the contents of Grace's bag.
"Ooh, dude, you didn't have to, we've got loads of drinks..."
Grace shrugs, looking over at Hannah.
"Well, I thought, just in case. If we don't use them today, look upon it as the start of your alcoholic stock pile for the home coming party."
Hannah just beams at her, and then throws her arms around Grace, squeezing tight and lifting her half an inch off the ground for a second.
"I knew I kept you around for something, Helbig."
...
Despite Hannah and Pearl's apartment not being a nightclub, Hannah has decided that dancing is going to happen anyway.
Mamrie loves it, of course, and Grace loses a good half hour of time just laughing at Hannah's attempts to compete with Mamrie's moves.
And then Grace decides that maybe losing the whole evening might be the way to approach this, and so moves on to the vodka.
...
She's not drunk.
She's not. She knows exactly what she is doing, and where she is, and... oh god, is that food she can smell?
Picking up a fist full of fries that had just appeared out of nowhere, Grace considers her next move.
Dancing is fun. Also, there's maybe, dancing with Hannah? Or just talking to Hannah? Being with Hannah, number one priority.
Where's Hannah?
...
She finds Hannah in the spare room, hair looking crazy and her face flushed. There's a couple of people in there too, hanging out of the window as they smoke cigarettes. Hannah is standing behind them, judiciously flapping a piece of cardboard behind them.
"Oh, Grace, thank god, can you fan these two? The smoke needs to go outside."
Grace bites her lip at how polite and ridiculous Hannah is, because if this was her place, shed have just ordered them outside, not stood behind them like a lunatic waving hints in the shape of a giant piece of cardboard. She then glares at the offending two girls automatically, and they seem to read the message, pitching their cigarettes out of the window hurriedly. Hannah sits on the bed suddenly, looking tired, and Grace, impressed at the effectiveness of her glare, continues with it until the other two girls leave, shame faced.
Hannah returns to her feet, and Grace briefly worries that Hannah is running away from her, but Hannah just closes the door, and leans on it.
"Can't let the smoke smell get any further in, it's impossible to get rid of it."
Grace shrugs, because she's pretty sure that two cigarettes do not equal a toxic cloud, but whatever. There's Hannah. Looking all... Hannah.
"Are you going to miss me?"
Whoa. Okay, did that just come out of her mouth?
Hannah nods once, and then looks at her, very seriously.
"Of course Grace. I'm... so excited and just... wow, but I kind of wish I could take you with me, for the whole thing. You and Mamrie. We'd take over the whole fucking nation."
Grace looks down at her toes, and wonders whether a five month gap is too long to refer back to a previous question.
"Am I still your best friend? I mean, you said that if I was always around then maybe you wouldn't look forward to seeing me as much."
Hannah shrugs, and tips her head to one side.
"Grace, I know me calling you my best friend alarms you, Mamrie mentioned it. It's cool, I only do it to tease you now."
Wait, what?
"So I'm not, anymore?"
Hannah tucks her hands into her pockets, and Grace takes a step closer, automatically.
"Well, I feel the same way about you, that hasn't changed, but I won't refer to you that way, anymore. Sorry."
Grace has no idea what is happening, but this was not to plan. She reaches around for her drink, before remembering that she didn't bring it in here, and godammit, hands, never forget the important things!
When she looks again at Hannah, she is being watched curiously.
"What's wrong Grace?"
Grace needs... a whole lot of something, right now.
"Just, I was just... why is this so hard? And then you are disappearing, and that means you won't just be turning up at my place all the time, and how is that okay?"
Hannah takes a half step forward, looking concerned, only to come up short when she realizes how close that would bring them.
"Grace... why are you crying? What's happening? You are still coming out to visit me, aren't you? There's the shows to do, and... Gracie, what's going on?"
Grace presses a hand over her eyes for a moment, and then forces herself into eye contact.
"I don't want... I don't want to be your best friend Hannah. I want..."
That sentence gives up on Grace, dies half way out of her throat. There's a flash of hurt that passes over Hannah's face, and then she shrugs simply, looking away from Grace.
"Okay, well, like I say, I won't mention it again."
That's, no, that isn't what she means. And then Hannah takes a step sideways, moving to open the door, and something in Grace snaps.
She takes a step in, and when Hannah jumps back in surprise, she keeps moving forward, until Hannah's up against the wall, and then Grace kisses her.
Hannah's mouth is soft and warm, and Grace stays like that, pressed up against her, waiting for Hannah to respond, because of course she'll respond, that's how this works.
Hannah doesn't respond.
Two hands appear at Grace's shoulders, and apply slight pressure, pushing her away from Hannah, and they're Hannah's hands, and Hannah doesn't want her.
"Grace... I'm... I don't understand..."
Fuck. Fuckfuckfuck fuck fucking fuck.
She should go.
"Sorry. Bye Hannah."
"Grace!"
She's managed to open the door now, in a split second that feels like an eternity, and steps back out into the real world, where there is music and dancing and people and noise and maybe she should just keep going, out, out, out. Mamrie catches her eye for a moment, and raises her eyebrows in alarm, but Grace hasn't got time, because Hannah is probably right behind her, all ready to announce that sometimes just being friends has to be enough, and she can't hear it, she can't.
She keeps going, grabbing her bag from its place on the kitchen counter, until she hits fresh air and sanity.
She can hear Mamrie calling after her, but here is a passing cab and an escape route, so she takes it.
Fuck.
...
Oh, fuck.
...
She doesn't sleep, although she does pretend really hard to be asleep, when Mamrie comes in. To the point of stupidity, as Mamrie bangs on the door and pretty much just yells through the thin walls.
"Grace, I know you are in there, your shoes and bag are out here, are you going to talk to me or what?"
No. No she is not.
After a second the door creaks open slightly, and Grace closes her eyes tight.
"Just checking you're alive Grace, sorry. We'll talk tomorrow."
The door shuts gently again, and Grace rolls onto her side, curling up into a ball in the hopes of maybe disappearing completely.
...
Grace tries really hard , that night.
She knows that it'll be fine, she knows that other people have confessed one sided attraction before and the world hasn't ended, she knows that Hannah isn't the type of person to make her regret honesty.
She knows she can't have invented this situation. She isn't special.
Hannah will be completely normal around her. And try really hard to make it work, and stay close friends.
Grace, on the other hand...
Can't stop thinking about Hannah's surprised noise when Grace had first pushed her back into the wall. Or the way that Hannah's hands had raised, and hovered helplessly for a moment, before resting on Grace's shoulders to move her away. Or the shock on her face, or how wide her eyes had been.
What the hell had she been thinking?
She can't see her. She can't.
...
The next day, the day Hannah begins her tour, Mamrie has to leave the house early, off to a couple of pre-arranged meetings with real estate brokers, concerning her plan to move to LA. Grace can tell that she is trying to leave quietly, but it doesn't matter because Grace is wide awake in her bed, staring at the ceiling.
Grace spends the morning avoiding social media, avoiding her phone, avoiding eye contact with her reflection. Goose senses that she is feeling terrible, and comes over to nudge her head into Grace's lap, as she is sitting on the couch staring out into nothing. Goose whines for attention after a second, and Grace plays with her ears idly, hoping to stave off the next thought.
There's a noise that doesn't sound familiar at all, of a heavier engine cutting out just in front of her yard. Grace stands and peers out of the window, and then her body just seems to auto pilot itself out of the apartment, because that is Hannah's RV, and oh, bad idea, to be outside right now.
"Hannah."
It is a statement, not a question, as if Grace is competing in a game of name things beginning with H. Hannah waves once at her, and then comes over, and augh, Grace hadn't anticipated the first time she had to be normal again as having an audience. Not now, not this soon.
But she can see Pearl hanging out of the window of the RV, and Nick sat in the driver's seat, engine idling.
Maybe it is better this way. She can't have a breakdown in front of an audience.
"Hannah... you know that San Francisco is in the opposite direction, right? You've come the wrong way."
Hannah shrugs, and flaps a hand over her shoulder.
"I know, right? Pearl is all ready to pitch a fit, bless her."
Grace raises a hand to her eyes, trying to shield from the glare of the sun and see the expression on Pearl's face.
"Hannah, you are on a tight schedule. You can't mess with it."
Scuffing at her shoes, Hannah looks down at the ground.
"I know, I just couldn't... I didn't want to leave without things being settled back here."
Grace nearly plays dumb, and insists Hannah explain herself, but then Hannah waves a hand in the space between her and Grace, and there is no escape, really.
"Oh, um, the party thing. Um. And um. Kissing. Me kissing you."
Hannah looks like she's about to say something, but Grace wants to get this over, just like ripping off a bandaid.
"I'm sorry. I was drunk, and emotional, and not thinking very much about anything sensible, and all of that translated into me wanting to tell you that I will miss you, because I will Hannah, you're my best friend, I think, I don't know, but my body clearly thought that speaking was too hard, and so decided to kiss you. Don't worry, I've already had a word with it, it won't be doing it again."
Hannah boggles slightly at her, and then frowns.
"You've had a word with... what?"
Grace waves a helpless hand, a tiny part of her exasperated that, even when she has important things to say, she manages to phrase them in incomprehensible ways.
"My um. My body. Completely out of line. Had very harsh words with it."
Hannah looks back at the RV for a second, scratching at the back of her head.
"Okay, sure. Aah, Grace, you know how you said that I was on a tight schedule? Well, I really am, I convinced Pearl to drive in this direction because I pretended to have left my phone here, which I'm pretty sure she doesn't believe, but whatever. So, um, as much as I usually love listening to the stream of crazy that comes out of your mouth, do you mind if I move the conversation along a bit?"
Grace shrugs, focusing on the RV and the horizon and the sky and everything that isn't Hannah, who is clearly trying to find a way to break her heart gently.
"Grace... I think your body might be smarter than your brain."
Okay, that isn't even gentle, that's just plain rude... Grace looks towards Hannah, about to defend the intelligence of her brain, but then Hannah steps up into her, cupping Grace's cheek, and kisses her firmly.
Hannah kisses her.
She tastes like toothpaste and kept promises, and Grace kisses her once, before breaking away.
"My brain is smart Hannah, I find it offensive that you consider this body to be smarter, because god knows..."
Hannah snorts at her in amusement from millimeters away, and just breathes "tight schedule Grace", before pressing upwards to kiss her again, and this time Grace kisses back, and then kisses again, and then stops counting.
Hannah's hands smooth down her sides to pull Grace's hips towards her, and Grace rests two arms on Hannah's shoulders, hesitant fingers touching gently at the back of her neck. Hannah gasps at the sensation, and then there is a moan, which comes from Grace, but is echoed by Hannah half a second later, and oh fuck the tour. Just fuck it.
There's a car horn, from another world.
"Umm, Hannah? This is cute, and you know, yay, but unless you left your phone in Grace's mouth...?"
Hannah pulls away after a second, sighing, and bites her lip.
"I guess, I'm trying to say I don't want to be just your best friend either, anymore."
Grace can barely hear her, over the beating of her heart, but grabs her hand, and squeezes.
"So, let's not be. Let's...try for more."
Hannah grins, and Grace is melting, actually melting. The car horn sounds again, and fuck, fuck! Schedules. Hannah seems to read her mind, because her smiles grows even wider, and she tips upwards for one more kiss.
"Bye babe. See you in Boston."
Grace nods firmly, heart soaring.
"Oh, you will."
...
Hey Grace!
So, week one, done. It's been awesome, so many cool people. I love it.
They keep trying to do dings with me in photos. I keep flipping off the camera. I hope you appreciate my hard work in spreading that message.
Ah, I don't even know what this email is, we literally just ended our call. Just know that I didn't want to end it, but a kitchen was calling and also Pearl kept miming being sick into her hands and it was really putting me off my game.
But yeah. Hi. I miss you. In a best friend sort of way (and in that other sort of way, that we haven't really talked about because I'm shy, but just know that, yeah. That's a thing that's happening in my head that is completely crazy and un-expected and wow, you know?) I just feel really good about this. About us.
(Us? Too soon? Probably too soon. Nevermind. Quick, send this message before I think too hard about things and delete it)
Bye Grace. xx
...
Hey idiot,
Just know, I mimed barfing into my own hands too as I was reading your email. Please pass on my solidarity to Pearl.
Xx
(PS - not too soon. I've been referring to you and me as an 'us' in my head for a while now. Because I'm a well-adjusted human being. Who thinks about you a lot. And about us a lot. And ahh, are these words still happening? Yes, apparently they are. I miss you too.)
((Please tell Pearl that Mamrie is expecting her 50 bucks when we meet up in Boston - they had a wager on us? I'm scandalized, obviously))
(((For the record, before you get in a grump with Pearl, Mamrie was betting on before tour, and Pearl was betting after tour. We are kind of easy to read, according to Mamrie.)))
((((Why is America so big? Get back here soon, will you?))))
...
The end