One Smile

3: Take The Damn Thing

Sam POV

Content Warning: Depression and Self Harm Discussed 

Unknown: Hi fatass. You haven't responded in a while. Too busy crying to your mom to type back? Or maybe you will actually succeed this time.

Good morning to me. You see, I have been receiving lovely messages like this since high school started. I thought they were Bailey. Unfortunately, they are not. The messages are always the same degrading and depression encouraging thing. Honestly, it weirds me out how someone is willing to spend this much time texting me hate messages. I have blocked, reported, changed numbers all with no luck. No matter what I do, the messages always seem to find me.

It all started when I was a freshman. I had a rough time because I encountered some men on the street who yelled awful things at me and beat me and my brother up. Our parents forced us to get therapy and word got out about me, not my brother. Everyone called me crazy and teased me relentlessly. Ethan tried his best to stop it but it just made everything worse. One day someone started messaging me about how they wish that I would have died so they did not have to see my ugly face. They said I shouldn't waste anyone's time getting help because I was beyond help. Even though I dealt with the incident these messages pushed me further. I started down a path of self-destruction and the messages started becoming more frequent and more damaging.

Recently, I have just blocked the new number and acted like nothing happened. I tried to report it to the police but they said I was not in any danger and that kids will be kids. No one else knows about these messages because the last thing I need is for my mom to force me back into therapy again.

"Sam, get your ass up," Ethan yells.

"I am actually almost ready you jerk," I yell back. I could not sleep after getting the message so I have been up since 2 am. Which means I look and feel awful.

"You look rough pumpkin," Dad kindly informs me when I walk into the kitchen.

"I did not sleep well," I grunt back. I grab myself a banana and head out to the car. I feel nauseous so I decide not to eat it and stick it in my backpack for later.

"No fight over the music today," Ethan jokes. I look at him and offer a small smile and a shrug while he puts on To Pimp a Butterfly. I decide I am not in the mood for talking so I turn up the volume and rest my head back. For the love of all that is deep-fried, please do not let me encounter Bailey today, I beg the universe. Ethan keeps glancing at me and I know he can tell something is wrong.

"Sammy, you want to get some Starbucks? My treat," Ethan offers with a smile. I know he is trying and I don't want to be rude.

"Who could say no to a free Chai," I hate coffee. I offer him the best smile I can muster as my phone vibrates.

Unknown: Well, you can ignore me but I will just get more creative.

Me: Why are you doing this?

Unknown: Because people like you deserve to suffer.

Like me? What does that even mean? I decided that I should probably respond so this mystery person doesn't "get more creative."

Me: Like me? What do you mean?

"Do you want anything besides a Chai? I got it dirty because you look like dad when he tries to keep his eyes open during a movie," Ethan jokes.

"No that is perf. Thank you Ethy."

"Don't call me that," he huffs.

******

School has thankfully been decent so far. I have received a lot of "are you okay" "you look sick" and a million hugs and jokes from Nay. It is lunchtime now and I need to give Jake his money back. I know I will forget in PE when he is at practice or in music.

"I will be back Nay, I have to go pay Jake back," I mumble.

"Sure sweet chick. Give that eye candy some money," Nay jokes. I just roll my eyes and walk to my brother's table, again. When I am within eyesight of the table I see Bailey sneer and lean over and whisper in one of her clones ears. They laugh.

"Someone looks like a train wreck. I mean you usually look rough but wow Sam, I actually feel bad for you," Bailey jokes.

"Rough night," I reply just as Ethan gets to the table. Thank nuggets he was not here when she made that comment. I can only imagine how that would have gone.

"Hey sis, what are you doing," Ethan offers me a sympathetic smile. Ben and Jake arrive then and take "their" seats. Huff men.

"I am just here to payback Jake," I say as I hand him money. He just looks at it, rolls his eyes, and goes back to talking with Ben.

"Hey, Jake take the damn thing," I huff. I do not want to be in debt to this man child. Also, I do not like feeling like I owe people something.

"You should take it. She was pretty moody in homeroom today," Ben adds. For no reason at all. He looks at me like he is waiting for a comeback. So, I give him one.

"Moody and done with your shit," I reply. Okay, maybe that was not the comeback he was looking for because now everyone was looking at me. Shit. I can't let these messages throw me off this much. Be funny. You can do this. "Your British accent only softens me up so much sugar plum," I offer with a chuckle. Take the bait.

"What if I pair it with a wink," He asks. Hook, line, and sinker. I think that's how that saying goes, I don't know.

"Anyways. Here. Thank you for getting me out of a bind. I appreciate it." I put the money in front of Jake and get ready to turn around.

"What an attention-seeking bitch," Bailey mumbles. Ethan immediately tenses and I beg him with my eyes to chill the heck out.

"Watch your mouth, Bailey. You know damn well that you shouldn't be saying shit on that issue," Ethan hisses. I place my hand on his shoulder and offer him a small smile.

"Thanks again for the food," I mumble to Jake. He just looks at me as I turn to actually leave. But, it is just not my day as Ethan grabs my wrist.

"Wanna grab food with me, Sammy?" He offers me his megawatt smile.

"I am actually not hungry, I think I am going to go to the music room. Mr. Scarp asked me to lead a guitar lesson with him and I wanna be prepared." I pull my hand out and basically run to the music room.

As soon as I get there I see Betty in the corner. I skip to her and pick her up with trembling hands. I close my eyes and try to calm down, but I am just overwhelmed. Between the messages, Bailey, and my feelings I just need to calm down. I feel warm tears start to fall down my face and I cringe. I hate crying, yet I am a crier. I just sit there holding Betty as I think about what happened today. Maybe I am an attention-seeking bitch, who cries at school during lunch alone in the music room? I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket but I do not look because I do not think I can take another message.

After breathing quite a bit and calming down I decide to strum a few chords. Once my hands stop shaking I keep playing a sad tune. I put all of my emotions into the song and pretty soon I am singing along. I still feel the tears so I can only imagine how pathetic I look right now. A girl has to calm down in this hateful world somehow. Thank nugget no-one comes down here during lunch. The music room doesn't allow food or drinks so it would be a hopeless place to come to. I get so lost in the music that I don't even hear someone come up behind me.

"I didn't know you played and sang." 

If you or someone you know struggles with Suicidal thoughts please know there is help out there and you are not alone. Here is the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255. You can also message me if you ever need to talk to a stranger. Your life is worth it.