Letters to Arabella

8th Letter

Arabella,

I can't seem to stop writing to you.

You'll be glad that I decided to open up to Dr. Hastings a little more. After all, my mother must be putting us in some serious debt for these therapy sessions. I might as well get what I'm paying for.

He tried to prescribe pills, but I refused. Medication won't make me feel any better.

I tried to explain to him that it was my fault you left me, but he doesn't want to believe it.

I wasn't worthy enough for the precious Arabella. It's as simple as that.
... Oh how I wish I was though.

If only I remembered to count my blessings. Because you, Arabella, you were my most special blessing.

I want to tell you a secret, Ara. Sometimes, I wake up at night, sweaty and breathing heavily. My breaths grow short and my chest feels heavy. The world feels like it's closing in and I feel like pounding my head and screaming. It feels like I'm dying. 

I genuinely think  I'm losing my mind.

Dr. Hastings said it could be panic attacks, but what's the point of panicking? I've already lost you.

He said it's important for me to find and outlet for all of these emotions. I told him that I actually listened to one of his suggestions in the begging and started to write, but then he and tried asking me what I write about.

That's when I changed the topic.

I'll never tell anyone about these letters to you. They're meant only for your eyes and your eyes alone.

Regardless, Dr. Hastings said writing should help me sort through my emotions. I hope he's right...

Right now, I just wished I didn't feel so guilty.
        
 - Harry

P.s. I love you, Ara