Welcome To My Brain

Thought Process at 11:27

What is it that draws one to write? Is it the process of expressing oneself in words? Or maybe it is simply that one likes to write. I have never been a very good writer; I’m not very imaginative. I can answer a question or given prompt in words, but when it comes to being original I am at a loss. It’s always been strange to me how I can get these random spurts of writing that just seem to flow. I can never write about what I think I want to write about. My mind can only go so far, not wanting to expand beyond its own comfort zone. But there is that strange elated feeling I get when I finish a piece of personal writing. Can I ever write for anyone else beside myself? I don’t know. Can I allow myself to do something that may make me happy, besides soccer, reading, and listening to music? I honestly don’t know. I believe that there is a part of me that is truly unhappy. All the bad parts of my life have been suppressed to the back of my subconscious mind. I am not an unhappy person who has had a bad life. I am just different. Certain events shaped me from a very young age, maybe a girl grown up too fast. Most people don’t know my full story, I like it that way, I can’t be judged or pitied. I can just be me, or who appears to be me. How did an entry about writing turn into a psychiatry session? I don’t even know. Sometimes I feel like I should start seeing my therapist again. Maybe then I could make sense of myself. I go through the days without much thought, and there is something wrong with that. I shouldn’t go from day to day with no thought as to what it means. I shouldn’t lie to myself and believe that I have any idea who I am, because I have no fucking clue. That scares me, I’m afraid of the unknown. I’m afraid of who I really am. I am afraid to truly open myself up. I have always blamed that part of me on my past, but in reality it’s just me. I am my own biggest issue. I am scared of the future. What if it is nothing like I planned? What if I can’t handle it? What if I’m not happy with who I am? Could I handle that, hating myself? I’m not saying this to hurt you, I’m simply finding my way. Do I really like who I am as a person? Sometimes I wonder how anybody can. I’m honestly nothing special, I am simply existing. I go from day to day like anybody else, who what makes me so different, special? I know you tell me all these things but at times it is very hard to believe them. How can you see me that way? I can’t even see that in myself. Like I said, I am not trying to hurt you, I am just simply speaking, well writing, my mind. And that is another part of me, I can be very selfish, I can be so self-absorbed that I don’t even realize it it’s all me. Often I will have no regards to other people’s feelings and will just say whatever is on my mind. I am quick to judge and it is very difficult for me to forgive and forget. I tend to show people only certain parts of me, whether it’s the part of me that loves hard rock, and classic rock, and doesn’t give a shit about what people think, or the part that likes pop music and fun, light, things and is carefree and a people-pleaser. I honestly don’t think there is one person that has seen every part of me. I want that person to be you. I want to find myself with you. I am finally genuinely happy, with you. I have no idea what you are doing to me, but you are breaking down walls I didn’t even realize that I had up. What the hell are you doing to me? How did I get to this point? Will you please help me?