Not Your Happy Story

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Is there a reason why there are times where everything just goes wrong? Why a person whose life was filled with happiness and positivity is suddenly stuck in their own hole of negativity and self-pity? One bad thing after another just piles on, it's suffocating. At what point will I crack? At what point will I give into the voice that came into my head last night, telling me just one cut, no one would ever notice? I would notice, permanently marked. I'm slowly having to pretend that everything is okay. I'm on this path that is slowly dragging me down. I'm so tired, not knowing if I should even bother fighting it anymore. I know I am a disappointment, I can't seem to do anything right anymore, someone is always mad or upset with me. There are only two things in which I can receive instant solace, music and reading, and writing to an extent but even then I'm a disappointment. I'm constantly listening to music on repeat, trying to find my escape. As one of the lines of my new favorite songs goes, "You give me something to think about, that's not the shit in my head." I know that there are a lot of good things in my life, they have just become hidden by the shit that has become my life. I feel like I have messed up one of the most important things in my life. I fucked up and disappointed you, I hurt you, made you sad. That's what hurts the most, knowing that you hurt the ones you love the most. One stupid mistake and everything changes.
When I got home I grabbed a razor from the master bathroom, one of the perks, or not, of being in a medical family. I went back to my bathroom, locked the door, and sat down on my floor. I examined the razor as I held it in my hands, pressing the blade against the skin of my wrist. I didn't cut, I just pressed the cold metal against the soft tissue. I thought, "Just one little knick, no one would ever know." Then I put the razor down, this wasn't me. I didn't need the release of cutting myself, yet. So I hid the blade, somewhere no one will ever find it, no one but me.

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