what makes us tic

chapter five

i wrapped myself in my blanket tightly, squeezing my knees tight into my chest.
yesterday i was supposed to have gone home, i would have been in my own bed but my father decided it was best for me to stay here. he chalked it up to protecting me but that was bullshit, he just didn't want me around.

there was a separate part of the hospital for teenagers aged 13-19, they did schooling every day from 10-4. nurses were placed in every classroom, individual ones posted by the especially sick kids.

i was getting transferred to a room down there in about twenty minutes, god i'm nervous.

"hey kiddo, ready to go?" the nurse anne stick her head through the door. i met her yesterday, she was "my" nurse which meant she would be my primary caregiver.

"fuck you fuck you" i said and threw my head back, i only half meant it.

i untangled my legs from the mess of blankets and sheets and sat up out of bed. my small black bag rested against the bed, it contained all of my things. all of my possessions could fit in a backpack.

my socked feet slid on the freshly waxed linoleum down the halls of the hospital as we walked to the other wing.

"how long are you staying?" annie asked as we walked along, keeping her hand placed on my back in case i fell backwards.

"until i **oOoO** turn 18 i guess" i shrugged, my parents didn't want me so i'm going to have to wait until i'm a legal adult.

"that's the case for a lot of the kids here, i think you will make friends quick" anne smiled at me, showcasing her bright white teeth lined up in perfect rows.

"quickie, fuck him good" i shout which earns a few stares from people passing by.

"we should get you a sign or a name tag" anne laughs as a parents pulls her child closer to her after i hit myself in the chest.

"right, make me even more of a spectacle" i rolled my eyes at her and sighed.

"so how many kids are in this program?" i ask her as she catches me from falling backwards.

"four kids that are fifteen, five kids that are sixteen, and five that are seventeen"

"including *left out* me?" i ask as i hit myself in the chest again, i start clicking my tongue.

"including you" we arrive at the huge double doors leading to a long hallway.

i walk down the hallway and peek in through the windows of the classrooms. some of the kids were obviously disabled but others you couldn't tell by just looking at them.

"and here is your room" elle opened the door to a dimly lit room that had a kitchen on the right when you just walk in followed by a living room further in and two doors on the right.

the first door led to a small bathroom with a vanity and a shower-tub.

"there's the call button in case you need any help" she says as she points to a small red button placed on the wall right outside the shower.

"there's also one in the living room and beside your bed" anne says and takes my suitcase from me, placing it on the wood dresser in the corner of the bedroom.

"i'll come by in the morning to get you ready for school" she said as she closed the bedroom door behind her, leaving me alone.

i started unpacking my clothes into the dresser and realized how little i actually had. my parents obviously hadn't cared enough to pack all of my clothes and i was left with three pairs of jeans, one pair of sweatpants, five shirts, three sweaters and 10 pairs of boxers and socks.

my toothbrush, toothpaste, mouthwash, hair brush and comb were all packed in a small bag. a larger bag contained shampoo, conditioner and body wash.

the last bag contained a phone call from heaven (my favourite book), my last diving trophy and my late grandmas pin that she left me.

a small note was tucked into the front pocket of the bag and read ; $300 will be deposited into your bank account a month for living expenses.

no goodbye, that was it.

i lied down on my bed and stared up at the ceiling. it was so plain, white and flat. i sat up quickly and went over to my school bag that contained all my pens and pencils. i grabbed some colourful sharpies and got to work.

three hours later i was finished. i flopped down on the floor and stared up at my work. i checked my phone and it was already two in the morning, i wasn't tired.

i changed into the sweatpants and an old nirvana shirt and left the room. i turned the corner to go down a long dark hallway, then left down another hallway. i could hear sounds through the rooms that sounded like machines humming, people muttering under their breath.

i turned another corner and saw a staircase leading up. i'm a sucker for a staircase so i headed up, around 4 flights of stairs later i arrived at another door labeled "roof access".

i opened it and cool wind hit my face, tussling with my hair and blowing it every which way. i used my hand to hold it in place and noticed a head peeking out over the divet in the ground.

another thing that sucks about tourette's, there is absolutely no sneaking up on people.

"fuck fuck fuck you" i ticked and saw the head turn.

it was dylan. a smile spread across his face as i walked toward him, his teeth shining in the night.

"you found my secret spot" he said and gestured for me to lie down beside him. he was on his back, staring up at the stars.

"not very secret then is it?" i joked as i laid down beside him, crisp cold air lingering in the back of my throat.

"oh shut up" he laughed and shouldered me, his muscles were taught and on display.

"are you excited for tomorrow?" he asked me as he turned his head to look into my eyes.

"school? no *oOoO* fucking way" i roll my eyes and smile, i can't help smiling when i'm with him.

"at least you'll have me" he laughed and grabbed my hand, a small gesture that made my heart flutter and my stomach drop.

"you're going to school there too?" i asked surprised, he never mentioned it.

"sadly" dylan said, i got the sense he didn't want to talk about it.

a high pitched squeal followed by a sneezing motion caught dylan off guard, he gasped and quickly caught himself.

"tell me all of your tics, i want to know you" dylan smiled and i know he meant well but i wasn't just my tourette's and talking about them made it worse.

"physical ones are hitting my chest, slapping my cheek, throwing my head back and bringing my arm to my mouth like a sneeze" i started off with those ones.

"facial are just squeezing my eyes tight and moving my mouth, they're small and they basically happen every minute"

"vocal can really be anything depending on the situation but "fucking a prostitute", "give him a blowjob he likes those", "fuck you", and "oOoO" are the ones that happen a lot"

"i'm sorry if i'm asking too much, i just have this feeling" dylan said as he sighed and rolled into his side.

"what feeling?" i turned to look at him and sat on my hands.

"i just want to know everything about you" he whispered, his voice sliding like honey up his throat.