Bound To You (camren au)

back on my feet, part 1

this chapter is the beginning of gays working through their heartbreak with the power of music

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Camila doesn't know anything about the five stages of grief, but she thinks it might be a little similar to the five stages of trying your fucking hardest to fall out of love with your best friend - at least, if she feels like being really melodramatic about this.

Truly, Camila is nothing if not emotional. It's just that she spends a lot of her time bottling it up, so when it comes out, it comes out all at once, horrible waves of emotion that are a bitch to process, and work through, and face head-on-

She deals with it the only way she knows how.

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1.

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Loving you I thought I couldn't get no higher
Your November rain could set the night on fire

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"It's called what?"

"Something's Gotta Give?" Camila tries. It's a rough name, but it's kind of a rough song. She thinks this is as condensed as she'll get her emotions, though. "I promise it's a good song. I can play it on guitar, it's pretty simple."

Lucy looks doubtful. The two of them are sequestered in the wings, and Camila can hear the other girls already out on the stage, stretching, talking, prepping for rehearsal. Lauren's raspy voice floats above the rest, quick and frantic with excitement. Camila tries her best to tune it out. She's too ashamed to face her right now. Maybe after her song.

"Come on," she begs Lucy, "I really am a decent songwriter. And if it sucks you can ban me from performing original songs ever again."

Lucy considers her, her dark eyes scrutinizing, but Camila doesn't back down. "I don't understand why you can't perform it during rehearsal," Lucy says finally. "Why do you have to do it while the other girls are getting ready?"

"Because I'd rather you just hear it and judge if it's good enough to perform, not the whole group." It's a shitty explanation, but Camila can't - cannot handle Lauren hearing this song right now. Still, Lucy seems to buy it.

"Alright." Lucy sighs. "I'm only doing this for you because Lucky did so well," she says, and Camila tries not to wince too obviously.

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Camila's trying, okay? She's trying to be her usual happy, fun, peppy self, but seeing Lauren right now sends hurt all over, a dull ache in her chest, a reminder of her complete and total breakdown on Valentine's Day. Heartbreak, whatever. She's still feeling the aftershock, the side effects. She wonders when this is going to stop hurting.

It's clear that Lauren totally lied when she said Camila was really easy to read. It's either that or she flat-out doesn't care, because Lauren hasn't acted like anything was off with Camila, even when she disappeared in the bathroom mid-rehearsal to berate her reflection for being so fucking stupid.

It had been a bad day. Lucy, sugar mommy extraordinaire, had come in with a gift for Lauren - these strappy, shiny black Louboutins that had prompted Lauren to kiss Lucy on the mouth and tell her she was the best girl in the world. She really just says this shit to everyone, huh?

And then Lucy had praised Lauren mid-way through one of their Christina numbers - called her perfect. Lauren had beamed, flushed and happy, and Camila felt like she was going out of her fucking mind. So when Lauren said that Lucy calling her perfect bothered her so much... that was all just bullshit? Camila feels crazy and off-kilter, so she escapes to the bathroom to stare in the mirror, feeling strange and hollow.