A Boy Named Arthur

My Eyes

Felix POV💎
~Monday~
This is felix

Fuck me
  Like for real
   I'm staying at home
    At least for the week
     My head hurts so much
      Grace and I have been talking
       I don't like talking about my feelings
        I don't like getting beat every day
         I don't like hiding from Henry
          I don't like being around Arthur
           I don't like loving people

But maybe I have to...

I started writing in this journal, but it hasn't helped much

I don't have those D̶r̶e̶a̶m̶s̶ nightmares anymore. I'm becoming more paranoid. I don't want to sleep, not for the time being. I've been using the family bathroom instead of my own. I haven't even opened the door to my bathroom. What if I see my body on the other side? That makes no sense but I don't know if those feelings are gone. I don't know what I would do if I went in there.

Therapy

Something the Millers see no need for. They have ignored me for the time being. The doctors tried to talk to me about my scars but I made excuses for each one. Apparently, I am a clumsy skater with tendencies to fall down trees. Not my best...

I'm a liar

But what do you expect? What do I expect? Grace is home now...I have to leave.

~Tuesday~
This is felix

Henry called me today. He says that he is doing fine and turned in the project without giving away my situation. I don't think he is fine...I'm a terrible friend. He hates me, I'm sure of it. Who wouldn't hate me? I      Don't think I can do this today

     Sorry

I guess I'm back. It's around 2 am and I still can't sleep. Grace has been avoiding me too. I can't stop thinking about that day. I hate myself so much... I should regret it right? Goodnight

~Wednesday~
This is felix

I went to school today
Everything is very quiet
Arthur is still avoiding me
I have a headache
I'm taking my pills again
I never thought I would need them again
The doctor is trying to help me
Remember...

Henry

He came over today. We didn't talk much. I should have apologized...my headache is getting worse. I'm going to sleep on it.

Grace slept in my room today. The Millers went out for the night...right now I'm hiding in the bathroom while she sleeps. I don't like this journal.

•My parents weren't the best
•I have abusive foster parents
•I have problems trusting people
•Im not a good brother
•̶I̶n̶t̶e̶r̶n̶a̶l̶i̶z̶e̶d̶ ̶h̶o̶m̶o̶p̶h̶o̶b̶i̶a̶
•bullying
•   Bully

I'm a terrible person...why am I alive?

~Thursday~
This is an idiot

I don't know if it's just my lack of emotional connection to anything or my dumbass but I still haven't processed what has happened. I just fucking tried to kill myself! What like what I don't even what

My friends and family are processing this too. They don't even know what is going on in my head. They don't know how I feel or what I think. This is some obvious fuxking information but I just realized it.

Alone

I feel so alone...

Sleep-not good
Brain function-good enough
Mood-not good
Energy-good enough
Friends-avoiding me
Family-grace still loves me

I'm afraid to wake up. I'm afraid to fall asleep. I'm tired of being alone but I hate loving others. I don't want to grow up but I don't want to stay here. I want to talk to someone but I don't want to be a burden. I'm a burden...

~Friday~
This is felix

Luke actually came to talk to me today and he wasn't being a douche. It was nice...a year ago I meet Henry through his constant pestering. Even now I don't understand why he would have any interest in me. He meets Luke around that time too. They meet at a party and they hit it off. They spent a lot of time together. Then they broke it off in the middle of the summer. Nothing much changed except we spent more time together. Nothing much changed because Henry refused to talk about it. Nothing changed because we kept secrets.

I don't want to keep secrets anymore

~Sunday~
This is felix

I forgot to record my thoughts yesterday. I basically slept the whole day and

I cried a lot. Like more than I have my whole life. It was disgusting...but it felt good. Grace has started pestering about looking in my journal. I'm glad that she is still being normal around me. The meds are making me feel better. Since this is a place where I am being completely honest...i didn't take my meds yesterday. I thought I could survive without them but I had the dreams again. It was different though...I feel like I'm a sick person but isn't that exactly what I am? I have to sleep soon...Arthur still hasn't talked to me or even look at me. I don't know how long it's going to be like this. I feel like I'm stuck in purgatory. Goodnight

This is grace

I have to be quick. Felix, I love you more than anything in the world ♥️ I could never hate you. I'm not angry and you don't have to apologize. I wish I could read your mind and feel your feelings. Talk to me, please. You are definitely NOT sick in any way. Everyone will be okay you just have to be patient. :)

I love you, goodnight

This is Felix

Idiot...