The Ties That Bind Us

CHAPTER 17: Restart

Selina got out of the bathtub after almost an hour. She felt tired like she'd just ran a marathon, with her chest going up and down softly with her heavy breathing. If Bruce had walked in on her at any point during her bath, she'd be in trouble; but then again, he usually overreacted over what for her were the silliest things.

The fact is she'd been letting herself sink down to the bathtub floor and then staying there until she felt her lungs imploding in despair. Then she'd sit up and enjoy that inexplicably exciting gasp for air as her heart pounded loudly in her chest, so fast and desperate she could feel it everywhere in her body. Puffing and panting, she would try to listen closely to see if Bruce was near, and if he wasn't, she'd do it again and again until her body was drained physically, and her mind mentally.

Her clothes sat on the counter by the sink and she put them on quickly without even a glance to the mirror. She felt a whole lot better, but it was still a bit hard to look at the healing bruises and her still slightly protuberant ribs. Not because of esthetics matters or anything like that, but because seeing them was triggering and made everything more real, forcing her to acknowledge that it had all happened, and it hadn't been just a very realistic nightmare. And so she put on some leggings and one of Bruce's hoodies so it'd cover her arms and hands completely.

Although the weather had been kind of cold, Bruce had noticed that behavior of hers, because she usually wasn't one to walk around so covered. He'd thought she was in denial, but then reasoned with himself that her reaction was somewhat normal given the torture she'd been put through. He'd been able to see the depths of it, though, when one day, while she leaned over their bedroom balcony, he made one of his first attempts to get closer to her since they'd been back. He simply hugged her from behind from under her sweater, only to appreciate the view with her, but he noticed her slightly flinching, then uncomfortably trying to settle into his touch, as if to try not to hurt his feelings.

He didn't mind it, though, and pulled his hands back from her skin. He also tried not minding that, unlike before, they mostly slept untouching, though still face to face and with at least some skin brushing against the other's. Or that sometimes when he'd walk into a room where she was, she'd curve herself like he was some kind of cold and unwelcome gush of wind sliding through. It was clear she didn't want to be touched too much, and he tried not being offended by—which he wasn't, but once in a while he'd get frustrated for having to walk on eggshells around her, though he didn't blame her. The whole situation sucked.

Bruce was aware that her secret keeping had been hurtful, and even kind of insulting to him—it bothered him that she hadn't trusted him enough to be comfortable telling him. But on the other hand, he understood why she felt like she couldn't, given his many displays over the time they were together that when it came to the Joker, he was his Achilles' heel. He knew, on some level, that he probably would've never heard about their involvement if things hadn't turned out the way they did. And he also knew he would've been okay not knowing about it, if it meant Selina would've never been put through what he did to her.

It's true he wasn't happy about the whole thing, but still, he couldn't help but feel like he'd been too hard on her given the circumstances. She was already in a deeply delicate and fragile state, both physically and psychologically, and he'd shut himself off and closed the one set of arms she could run to. When it came to her, he realized there were many times he'd have to suck it up and swallow his pride for her benefit, and he also realized he was okay with that. Her life had already been troubled enough without him setting more obstacles.

When Selina re-entered the bedroom that day, Bruce was lying in bed using his laptop. Her eyes flickered absentmindedly to the hole he'd punched on the wall weeks before, for some reason he hadn't yet explained, and she wondered if he'd heard anything from her in the bathtub. Probably not, or he would've said something. She walked over to the bed and lay on her side, her back to him and her legs huddled together against her stomach.