Somesuch and Other Nonsenical Ramblings

yes she is a bitch, b i c t h

Here's the thing: with depression, I'm not always going to be up to do fun things even if I want to. Some days it's hard to get out of bed or do my chores or even open my eyes, and I can't do shit about it. Scratch that, I won't do anything about it although I know it would help me feel better because I'm always too exhausted. Unmotivated. Lazy. It is hard to talk about feelings, and when you do, it is often times too late. So, when you find me with a knife in my hand, or a blade on my arm, please don't talk to me about feelings. I don't want to know your side of the story. I don't want to hear that you think I'm a great friend of that you would be sad if I went, because that shit's temporary. For example, if there is a glass full of water that won't stop flowing into the cup, you can take a sip and put it back, but the glass will still overflow. But if you turn off the water and empty the glass, your new carpet wont get wet. Do you understand? It wont change anything. I love you, but you're not powerful enough to do anything. You're not my 'hero' or my role model. Truth is, I might not even like you as a friend. So please, dont try to guilt me into feeling better, that's not how it works. And please, don't yell at me, even if it is a reflex, I will shut down and nothing will change. Nothing will ever change, and maybe I don't want it to. Maybe I just want to stop changing. Maybe, just maybe, I dont want to feel anything anymore.