Chapter 5
Merlin was on his knees, trying to take deep breaths to avoid suffocating. He felt his eyes burning with tears that he refused to let fall, because that would be admitting that Arthur was gone, and he was yet not ready for that.
His head fell in his trembling hands, his fingers running through his own hair to grasp it in an attempt to feel some kind of physical pain that would keep him tied to reality or alleviate some of the ache in his heart, but nothing seemed to work. He still had to make an effort to keep breathing.
Fortunately for him, Leon saw him amongst the all the chaos and rushed to him, fully understanding the terrible thing the young manservant might be imagining.
"Merlin" he said, kneeling in front of him and resting his hand on Merlin's shoulder for reassurance. "It's alright. Arthur's alive"
"Don't lie to me" Merlin was able to articulate, imploring, hoping against hope Leon was telling the truth yet being afraid to have hope.
"I'm not lying, I swear. Arthur's alive" Leon assured him with a gentle squeeze, glad to see Merlin sighing in relief, his frame shaking.
"Where is he?" Merlin asked, daring to believe.
"I had to force him to go and see Gaius. You know how he is; otherwise he would still be here, playing the hero" Leon joked, trying to make light of the situation on Merlin's behalf. He had never seen the boy so shaken, and it broke his heart.
"Is he hurt?" Merlin asked in a whisper, the knot in his throat that had been loosening already tightening again.
"Yes, he was wounded, but... he'll be alright, I'm sure"
"You mean it's not serious?"
"Well, it is kind of serious, but at least nothing life-threatening, I believe. Hey, why don't you go and see for yourself? He's had a hard time, I'm sure he'll be glad to see you too" Leon suggested with a fond smile, and in that moment Merlin understood that Leon somehow knew –and approved– of him and Arthur. And that thought somehow comforted him. Merlin smiled for the first time since he had heard the news about their comeback and nodded in agreement at Leon, swiftly standing up, his forces renewed.
"Merlin" Leon stopped him before he started up the stairs. "Physically he'll be okay but emotionally... He's not doing so well right now. Take care of him, will you?"
Merlin smiled sadly at the knight, gratefully acknowledging Leon's friendship and loyalty towards the King. After all, aside from Merlin himself and Gaius, Leon probably was the person who knew and cared about Arthur –the man, not the King– the most.
"Of course, Leon, you know I will" Merlin promised with a confident nod. "Thank you"
**********
When Merlin made it to Gaius' chambers, he found out there weren't many men to take care of, only a couple of them. That, far from being good news, meant a lot of men had died in that mission, as only Arthur, Leon and two more men seemed to have come back alive and relatively unscathed. Another shiver ran along Merlin's spine, feeling altogether thankful –and guilty at feeling like that– at the fact that Arthur wasn't amongst the men who wouldn't be coming back to their loved ones that day.
"Gaius!" Merlin called his mentor when he wasn't able to find his King nowhere in the room. There were only the two wounded men, Gaius and Gwen, lending a hand, like always. "Where's Arthur?"
"Arthur's hurt? He isn't here"
"Leon told me he had sent him here, but apparently he made sure to get lost in the way" Merlin answered, knowing how Arthur tended to make light –or completely ignore– of his injuries.
