Chapter 15
Merlin sat at Gaius' chambers, trying to convince himself he was doing something useful as he crushed some herbs for a potion on the mortar. It had been two whole days since he had last been near Arthur, and not having to take care of him –and not spending time with him– left him with a lot of time to kill. A lot of time to feel miserable and to miss him with every fibre of his body and soul.
"Gaius, how is he?" Merlin asked as soon as Gaius came back from Arthur's chambers. That he wasn't allowed near him anymore didn't mean he had stopped worrying about him. He doubted he ever would.
"He's alright. His wound shows no sign of infection and it's healing nicely" Gaius answered, trying to reassure Merlin everything was going well with Arthur, but the young warlock could easily tell Gaius wasn't telling him the whole truth.
"And... how is he doing?" Merlin was afraid to ask.
"Not so good" the old man confessed with a sigh. "He'll hardly talk to me or to anybody else. He only speaks with Leon regularly, but only about the Kingdom's issues as far as I can tell. He's pretty much withdrawn himself to the world"
"Is he eating and sleeping at least?"
"He's hardly eating, according to the cook. And by the dark circles around his eyes, I guess he's not sleeping as he should, either"
"He's still so weak, he does need to take care of himself in order to make a full recovery" Merlin lamented, running a frustrated hand through his messy hair.
"I don't think his health is the most important thing for him now, Merlin"
"Gaius, you have to do something" Merlin knew he was begging, but he didn't care.
"Merlin, there is nothing I can do for him if he doesn't want to be helped. You know there's only one person who can get him out of this state"
Merlin sighed, a sad half-grin on his face, and he shook his head. He had been that person alright: for years, he had been the only one allowed to see the ups and downs on the prince –now the king–, the only one allowed at his side when he wanted to be alone. He was not that person anymore, though.
"Maybe before, but not anymore, not after I hurt him so badly" Merlin answered in a sad whisper.
"Let me ask you something: did Arthur get like this when Morgana betrayed him? Or Agravaine?" Gaius asked inquisitively, trying to give Merlin a new perspective on Arthur's feelings.
"No, I know he didn't, but..."
"But nothing. Even if they were family, none of them meant for him as much as you do. That's why your betrayal has hurt the worst by far. But that's also why you're the only one Arthur will forgive if you just give him the chance. Don't make a decision for him again, you already made that mistake. You should go and see him"
"He doesn't want me there" Merlin insisted.
"How are you so sure?"
"The last time I saw him he asked me to leave"
"That was two days ago"
"Has he asked about me at all?" Merlin asked, trying not to put too many hopes in the old man's anwer.
"No" Gaius confessed, but he was not going to surrender so easily when he knew the happiness of his two favourite people was at stake. "But as I said, he hardly speaks"
"If he wanted me there he would have already sent for me"
"Maybe he doesn't know yet he wants to see you. Maybe he needs for you to let him know you're still there for him"
