The Toxic Wasters

15. The Bitch of Living

-4 years ago-

Levi hates the cold. No, hate wasn't strong enough of a word. Despise. Loath. Wanted God to rid the world of the cold.

But he couldn't complain when Eren bundled him up in his arms. He swore his boyfriend was warmer than the sun. And every blanket swaddled around the couple helped with Levi's attitude towards the cold. And Eren always maintained a blazing fire in the living room.

But this wasn't one of those days. They weren't huddled under a mountain of blankets by a cozy fire. They were in Eren's car, driving through the freshly fallen snow. And Levi was miserable.

It was Christmas. Something else that annoyed Levi. He wasn't fond of the holiday. Mostly because it was also his birthday. When he was younger the holiday was just a reminder of his worthlessness. His father made sure he knew the fact too.

He could remember the dwindling hope Levi felt when he woke up on his birthday. Remembered his father's alcohol infused breath. Remembered the beatings were harsher. And the insults still echoed in his mind. His birthdays were the worst days of his life.

But at night, his mother would sneak into his room with a cupcake with one lit candle and a small gift. A quick rendition of Happy Birthday was sung quietly between the two before she sent him to bed with a kiss on his cheek.

His mother made those days a little less gloomy. Kept his mind from deteriorating and whittling him down to a husk of himself. Those nights, when they were illuminated by the orange glow of the candle and exchanges of surreptitious 'I love you's' passed their lips strengthened Levi's desire in finding a better life.

Eren was the embodiment of that desire, of those nights under the orange candlelight. Eren was his sanctuary, his place of love and worship. Someone to obliterate the difficult memories he possessed. Love and adoration that Levi still didn't believe he deserved.

"We'll be there soon babe."

Eren seemed to take notice of Levi's cold stare towards the snow and he took the raven's hand in his own. His thumb rubbing over the raven's knuckles in soothing adoration.

"Okay," Levi managed to mutter.

His nerves weren't silent with that confirmation. No matter how many dinners or brunches Levi attended at Eren's childhood home, he still felt nervous. Nervous of his impression on Mrs. Jaeger faltering. Of every one of Eren's family members despising him and his boyfriend following suit. Fearful of a potential breakdown, of his mind clouding his reality and Eren's family hating him for it.

They already hate you

His mind wasn't lying. Mikasa hated the raven since the day she met him, so Levi tried to steer clear of Eren's sister. And Grisha seemed repulsed by the idea of his son being with another man. But he never said anything to Levi, keeping to himself whenever the couple visited. Perhaps he vented to Mrs. Jaeger once they left, telling his wife how disappointing Levi is or how Eren could do so much better than the raven.

He's probably talking about you now

"Whatever's going on in your head right now, I want you to ignore it and listen to me."

They had pulled into Mr. and Mrs. Jaeger's home, something Levi didn't notice until he looked to Eren who was fully turned towards the raven. He tightened his grip around Levi's hand before continuing.

"No matter what your mind is telling you, you are loved. I love you so fucking much, I can't describe it. I want you to enjoy yourself today, but please if you feel overwhelmed tell me. Please, please, please tell me, and we'll leave or go to a different room for a while."