Aftermath

Part 1

Owen's bullet wound in his shoulder was clean. I helped him sit up and April brought over a sling and a blanket. She slipped on the sling and wrapped the blanket around him. We were all working in an awkward silence.

"Do you need anything Meredith?" April asked softly. 

I took a steadying breath. Derek was lying on an operating table with my best friend's hand's inside his chest in the OR next door. 

"I just need him to live," I helped Owen to his feet and turned to face April "Let's go back." 

Slowly, I walked out of the OR, steadying myself with the walls. I could feel the blood spreading down my legs, staining my scrub pants. Every few minutes, another cramp would hit and there would be a fresh flow of blood. I don't know what hurt worse, the fact that I was losing my baby or the fact that I was losing my husband. 

April stuck her head out of the OR door, making sure the hallway was clear of the shooter, Gary Clark before rushing across back into Christina's OR scrub room. I followed with Owen and we all tied masks on before entering again. 

"How is he?" I meant for my voice to come out strong, but instead it was hoarse and weak.

"Removing the bullet and working on repairs," Christina responded, not looking up "Owen?"

"Bullet was through and through. We cleaned the wound and put him in a sling, he'll be fine. He's right here," My voice was still hoarse. I tried to clear my throat. 

April had Owen sit down in a chair on the side of the OR and she stood beside him. 

"Can I...can I sit by his head?" I asked Christina. 

She stopped for a moment a looked up, obviously about to say no but her gaze fell from my face to the blood soaking through my scrub pants and my hand resting on my emptying abdomen. 

"Meredith..." She said softly, causing Jackson and Bokhee to look up as well.

I hated the looks of pity they had on their faces, but I didn't have the energy to tell them off. I lowered by head and studied the blood as well, before shaking my head and mumbling "Please?"

Christina nodded "Yeah, yeah go ahead."

"Thank you," I shuffled over to my husband's head and pulled a chair over to sit on, not caring about the blood. 

He was so pale. He looked so weak and vulnerable with the tube coming from his mouth and his closed, unconscious, eyes. This morning I had it all. This morning, I was bouncing the hallways with joy. This morning, everything was different. I had a baby I loved and the man I loved. Now I had already lost the baby, and might lose the man as well. 

I put one of my hands on the side of his head. It was cold. With my other, I stroked his forehead and hair, like he would always do to me. What was I going to do if he died? The OR was silent except for Christina talking to the nurses and Jackson. Every few minutes, the pain would return to my stomach and I would always gasp and squeeze me eyes shut to prevent the tears from falling. Christina always sent me concerned looks, but I couldn't bear to meet them. 

I lost track of how long I was sitting there. I remembered the night we met in the bar, and every day, every moment I had with him since. Those would be the only things I had left if he died. The fear that Mr. Clark would come back in and shoot us all never left me.

 I could barley breathe. I wanted to cry more than anything, but I had to be strong. I had to be fine. Like always.

I was snapped out of my daze when the monitor started blaring rapidly. I don't hear what Christina is saying, but I can hear my dark and twisty brain repeating itself over and over again.

He's going to die. He's going to die. He's going to die. 

The monitor went into v-fib. No. Terrified, I looked at my husband's head. Don't you die. Do not die on me.

Christina asked for the internal paddles and I had to lift my hands away as she shocked Derek, though all I wanted to do was wake up from this terrible nightmare warm in his arms, in our bed, with our baby. 

But that wasn't going to happen. There was no change. I wasn't going to have a baby. I wasn't even going to have a husband. She shocked him again. No change. Again. 

A rhythm appeared on the monitor. Everyone sighed in relief and I allowed a small sob to escape me. 

"Everything looks good here. Let's close," Christina's voice caused me to look up at her. 

For once, I couldn't read her eyes. I couldn't tell what she was thinking, but she was looking at me and I was looking at her. At least until I had another cramp and I squeezed my eyes shut and avoided anyones eyes until it passed. 

He was fine. He was going to be fine. Unless there was a complication. Unless he didn't wake up. Unless he got an infection. Unless his heart failed, and his organs failed, and he got sepsis.  Christina saved his life. And maybe mine too. 

I watched them close. The sound of the steady monitor was the only thing I could take comfort in. I watched as Jackson and April stood and took him up to recovery. The surgical team cleared out, leaving me and Christina. 

Christina peeled off her bloody gloved and surgical gown when I slowly rose to my feet and ran over to her. I threw my arms around her and finally let the tears that I had been holding back for hours fall. 

"Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you," I choked out between sobs. 

Christina hadn't pulled back from our hug yet, and instead she tightened her grip on my and I felt her start to sob as well. I don't know how long we stood there like that. Clutching each other as we cried until we couldn't cry anymore. I do know she was done crying before me. But she wouldn't let me out of the hug until I pulled away. 

I wiped my cheeks and sniffed a few times. I took some deep breaths and looked my person in the eye. 

"You are just so..." I trailed off, unable to find words to convey the gratefulness I felt towards her.

"I know. You don't need to say it more," Christina grabbed my hand and her eyes traveled to my bloodied pants.

"I need to shower, a-and change." 

She nodded, and we both walked up to the residents lounge clutching each other's hands. We ran into a swat team on the main floor. Mr. Clark had shot himself. We were okay. When we reached the lounge, I just grabbed a new pair of scrubs and underwear and a maxi pad. When I got into the hot shower, I let myself fall apart even more than what I had with Christina. This was the wreck I was, the wreck I didn't let anyone see. It was embarrassing.

Finally I felt clean and got dressed. The cramps didn't stop, but the bleeding showed. I went over to my shelf next to where Christina was sitting with her head in her hands. As soon as she saw me she stood up. 

"I'll go check on him." 

She walked out of the room after I nodded, so I was left alone. How many people were dead? How many had been shot? I imagined the possibilities for a few minutes before pushing them back down. 

What mattered was Derek. Derek was all that mattered. I stood up and dug through my shelf for my phone when I saw the pregnancy test. I froze, unable to move my eyes from it. Eventually I picked it up and stared at it. 

"Meredith," Christina appeared in the doorway, "He's awake, and he's asking for you." 

I nodded and stared at the pregnancy test one last time before I turned around and threw it away. Taking a deep breath, I walked out of the lounge to meet Christina and we headed up to Derek's room together.