Aftermath

Part 14

My shift had ended two hours ago. But I had been pulled into an emergency surgery when traumas came in. As I scrubbed out, I was unable to wipe the grin off my face. The surgery had been a huge success, and it felt more than good to finally be back in the O.R.

I walked out of the scrub room and pulled off my scrub cap, tucking it into my pocket. I headed up to the resident's lounge to change with a skip in my step. 

Earlier I had found both Cristina and Alex and we had all celebrated my getting cleared for a few minutes together. The lounge was empty when I walked in, and I began to change.

"Oh a high?"

I turned to see Derek leaning against the doorframe of the lounge, smiling.

"You're still here?" I asked.

"Yep. Waiting for you to finish your first surgery back,"

"Well, I did and I feel higher than ever!" I barley recognized my tone, it had been a long time since I felt so happy, "I missed being in the OR so much, it feels so damn good to be back!"

I finished changing and walked over to my husband, pulling him in for a desperate kiss. He happily accepted and deepened the kiss. Behind him, I heard the lock on the door click. The blinds were already closed and we made our way to the couch.

Multiple emotions ran through me when I felt his hands pulling at the bottom of my shirt, ready to rip it off. I allowed it and laid on the couch watching as he pulled off his own shirt and unbuckled his belt. At the sight of his scar and the feeling of it on my skin, I trembled. He was kissing along my jawline and neck when I felt guilty for not enjoying this as much as he seemed to be.

Surprisingly I felt fear pulse through me. Why was I afraid? He pulled my pants off along with is own, laying on top of me on the couch. Then there was something more than fear. It escalated, and I panicked when he started at my panties. When his boxers came off I went rigid. He noticed and stopped for a moment to stare at me, confusion and surprise hinting his gaze.

"Derek," I whispered, "I can't..."

He pulled back and frowned. I shivered and felt tears build up behind my eyes, which I tried to choke back. He didn't understand. There was no way I could find a lie believable enough to explain this. I had to tell him. It was time.

"Get off," I commanded weakly. He obeyed, pulling his boxers back on as I mirrored him, pulling my panties and the sweater I had been wearing back on as well. 

I sat up and hung my legs over the side of the couch, resting my head in my hands, unable to look at Derek. After a minute, I risked a glance at him. He had put pants on and was observing me, he looked hurt. 

"I need to tell you something," The urge to cry became stronger, as it did every time I thought of the baby I had lost. "sit down,"

Derek sat on the couch next to me, but we weren't touching. He was on the opposite end. There was no way I was getting out of telling him now. 

"What's going on?" Confusion, anger, and hurt were written all over his face and in his tone.

It made me feel even worse knowing that I had just hurt him, but he needed to know. It was just bad timing I guess. I turned to face him, and his expression softened a bit when he saw my tears. My vision went blurry and a small sob escaped me, and I chocked back anything else. I took a deep breath.

"I-I don't really know how to tell you this," I managed to get out, "but something else happened the day of the shooting,"

He inched closer to me on the couch, his piercing blue eyes burned into me. Knowing him, he was fearing the worst. I didn't know exactly what 'the worst' was, but this had to come pretty close.