Aftermath

Part 22

Derek frowned and sat down on the bed next to me. I felt his gaze burn into me as he tried to figure out what I was going to say.

I didn't really know where to start, or how to tell him any of the things I needed to. I cleared my throat.

"So, uh, the shrink said that I should talk to you. That it'll help, with the...my emotions, or whatever," I started slowly. I had never really opened up like this before. 

Part of me was afraid of how Derek was going to react. I didn't want to hurt him. But when I risked a glance at him, his features were soft, studying me. He was waiting for me to continue, ready to listen. I gulped.

"I-I wanted to protect you. I didn't want you to have to feel the way I did. About the...the baby,"

Derek looked surprised when I said the baby. If I continued, there would be no going back. After a moment of silence, I spoke again.

"I'm supposed to tell you the details...how I felt. It's supposed to help me feel less guilty,"

"Guilty?" The frown on his face deepened as I continued.

"I feel guilty. All the time. It's my fault, I lost our son or daughter. I wasn't strong enough to keep our baby safe," My voice began to break, and a few stray tears rolled down my cheek. 

"Meredith-"

"No, let me finish,"

He looked like he wanted to say more, but closed his mouth and waited for me to continue. 

"Mr. Clark was in your OR, and Jackson unplugged your leads to make it look like you died. It worked, Mr. Clark left, but I was watching too. I saw you flatline. When they plugged the leads back in, I was so confused, but Owen had just been shot and Cristina was yelling at me to help him. So April and I took him into the OR across the hall to treat his wound. I didn't want to leave you, but I didn't really have a choice,"

"You told me all this already," 

"I'm not done. Owen regained consciousness and we were starting to treat his wound when I felt it. It hurt like hell. April thought I had been shot and was in shock. So I had to tell them I was having a miscarriage," Tears streamed steadily down my face now.

"Oh, Mer," Derek put a hand on my back and rubbed it soothingly. 

"Then there was the blood. There was so much blood. I spread down my legs and stained my scrub pants. Every time I felt a cramp, there was more blood," I cried, shivering at the memory.

I hated this. I hated breaking down like this, even if it was just in front of my husband, but as long as I was talking I knew I wouldn't be able to pull myself together.

"I felt our baby slip away, Derek, and I was powerless to stop it," With that, I broke down to sobs.

Derek was silent, though he kept rubbing my back. I covered my face with my hands, so desperately trying to slow my crying.

I wanted him to say something, anything to help me, but he was just quiet. Through my blurred vision I saw him staring at the ground as he rubbed my back. 

"Derek," I managed. His name came out of my mouth sounding as if I was begging him to say something. I guess I was, but I was terrified of what he was going to say.

He snapped out of his daze and looked at me. His eyes held only sadness. 

"You have no idea how much I wish I could have been there for you, Mer," 

"I don't blame you,"

"You blame yourself. You can't do that, you can't put this all on you, because it wasn't all your fault. You didn't do this, Gary Clark did,"