I'll Always Be By Your Side. (Ryden)

Chapter 10:

Ryan's POV:

There's a place in us all that scare us. How disturbing we can get, how we can imagine the worst things to others, or how we surprise ourselves of what we can do to ourselves. Well I'm at that point of shock. I'm about willing to do whatever to myself to relieve myself of all the pain in me. I'm so tired. Literally nothing right now could possibly lift some of it. Now that's probably an exaggeration I'm sure something can, but everything at this moment just seems downright impossible. It's currently past five in the morning and I haven't slept one bit. My mind is far too gone to attempt to put it at rest for a while. All I've been doing is staring absently at the ceiling. Anyone watching me would think I sleep with my eyes open. I don't want to be a target anymore though. Kids at school, people on the streets, and my own fucking father they all just use me as some chew toy who loves to be gnawed on and slung around. Just the alcohol my ass, Ryan, get your head out of your ass and think. Who cares if I lose him; it certainly won't affect me at all. I can convince them I'm old enough to take care of myself, or Spence's family would definitely take me in. What if all their kindness is just out of pity though? They only feel sorry for you. Spence probably filled them up with reasons to let them care for you all this time. Not even his family actually likes you. Hell, Spencer doesn't really give a damn then either. Face it, Ryan, you're worthless to everyone. Who do you have in your life besides that notebook and damned guitar? Brendon? Cute, he doesn't give two shits. Why else would he have ran off so quickly? You've pushed him away just like everyone else. That joke of a band you think you have is going somewhere? Think again. You're nothing. An oblivion. Stop wondering why you are empty. You know why. My mind just continued to make lists of thoughts. I wish I could say it all stopped, but unfortunately it didn't. I checked my phone to see the time. It read six forty seven so I might as well hop into the shower to maybe help clear my mind and let me get some sleep then afterwards.

I crawled off and drug my lanky body to the bathroom. I cringed when I saw my reflection. My m brown hair caressing my pale face showcasing my now blood shot eyes that are highlighted with deep black bags under them. I turned on the shower, making sure that the water is just under the scorching temperature. After being in there for a few minutes I felt relaxed. My mind is now calmed and empty. As my mind dropped to its state of relaxation I also felt the feeling of extreme sleepiness. I turned off the water and climbed out of the shower drying myself. I decided to just put on the clothes I was previously wearing; when I got back in to my room I dropped onto the bed and passed out.

I awoke to my phone going off right next to my head. I wanted to reach over and grab it but my body just wasn't having it. I'm in this state of heavy daze. I'm just going to drift back to the dead sleep I was in. A little bit later I was awoken again but this time by someone shaking me. I jumped up thinking it was my father finally doing what he pleases.

"Hey, hey calm down." I rubbed my eyes making sure it was really him, and well, it is. Brendon for some reason is in my room right now.

"You couldn't have climbed through the window it's shut," I said with a yawn.

"No, I walked through the front door. I watched your dad leave," he chuckled and sat next to me.

"You really enjoy stalking me. If I didn't already know I would think you are obsessed with me." I fell back once again ready to sleep at any moment.

"How do you know that though?" I tossed him a look and shook my head as he cocked an eyebrow.

"I don't know, how about the countless times you've crawled through my window, or how you have watched it so you know when you can just stroll through my front door." Now I'm the one raising my eyebrows. He laughed and shrugged.

"What can I say? You're observant." I nodded in response and turned into my pillow so I can return to my slumber. Brendon asked me what I was doing and I didn't feel like responding as I can already feel my body drifting off. He decided it is okay to start kissing the bottom of my spine.

"Brendon, stop it." I can only mumble as I'm so tired, but it is also muffled by the pillow. I turned my body over and opened my eyes. He looks up at me with a Cheshire grin. "I thought we decided we aren't doing this," I said flatly. He can't do this to me. I already checked in my head that roller coasters are done. I'm done with the rides.

"Oh, well I thought since-" Stop it.

"You aren't thinking, Brendon. I'm tired and I didn't sleep at all this past night. Hell, I'm just tired." My voice came out a little too whiny then I wanted, but I don't care anymore. Brendon stared at me with that same sad look someone gives a beaten up kitten. He laid down beside me snaking his arms around my waist.

"You can go ahead and sleep. I'm sorry." He kissed my neck softly. Not in a sexual wanting way but in that caring affectionate way.

I easily fell asleep with him next to me. It again was a dreamless slumber. When I woke up I saw Brendon over at my desk with my notebook in front of him. I checked my phone to see a few messages, but I ignored them, It's a bit past four and I managed to waist an entire day with Brendon where I could of gotten my sexual needs out of my system. He is writing something down and has yet to notice I'm up. So, he's not snooping; he's actually writing. Well, he could be doing both. I shuffled my way over to him and rested my head on his shoulder.

"I see you're finally up."

"Yeah, I guess I have enough rest to function for the moment. How long have I been sleeping?" Brendon checked the time and scrunched his brows together.

"For about four hours or so." I chuckled at that.

"Well damn, you must have been bored." He finally met my eyes and shook his head.

"I had quite an enjoyable time watching you sleep." I slapped his shoulder and he laughed.

"Don't be a creep."

We went downstairs to the kitchen so Brendon could make me some late lunch. I sat at the couch so I figured I'd find a movie to put on as I waited. It was there just kind of for background noise. I don't like watching a movie if it's already started. My mind kind of wandered into an area of its own. I wasn't really thinking but I still was. Everything is processing, but it is just not sticking. Brendon came in and handed me a sand-which. I greatly appreciated it since I'm starving. He started watching the movie and I just watched him. Why is it now that we started acting on our feelings? I just started accepting mine. Maybe he is the same way, or maybe he's just testing the waters? I set down the plate on the small coffee table in front of us. I placed my head in Brendon's lap; immediately he looked down and smiled at me. I smiled back and reached up so I can pull on the collar of his shirt. He realized what I meant and met his lips with mine. I sat up a little so it was easier. This kiss, it isn't like the others. Most people will think a kiss is a kiss but there's a clear difference in them. Once you find a person who makes you feel an urgency, caring, love, lust, soft, gentle, and other words that just can't describe it, don't let them go. I'm not letting go of Brendon. This moment is one I will remember forever. This moment is the one that makes me realize, I am in love with Brendon Boyd Urie. We rested out foreheads against each other. I don't know what made me do it, but I just did.

"Brendon, I love you." The look in his eyes is just unreadable.