Mono no aware

blue hole

Alone in the bottom of the pool
I'm in a blue world.
I'm in the blue hole.
Any minute now, the ground will
Open and
Swallow me whole.

And I'll disappear.

These days most dreaded,
Adoration, shame and fear.

I'm alone in a pool full of strangers.
I'm no one, none, nonexistent.

My brown locks hidden,
With no one to call my name,
I'm forgotten, anonymous.

I don't think no one would notice
If I were
Gone.

I jump and dive in the pool.
I don't feel like breathing anymore.

And this one quote resonates
In my mind
In the blue
In the noiseless silence.
I'm rooted but I flow.

Here, in this blue room,
I can't hide and feel
naked.

My disgraceful heavy body
Exposed for all to see.
My acne, my scars,
I'm on display and I feel
ugly.

And I'm content my swimsuit covers
My hips
And all the cuts
I've printed on my skin.

In the bluest bottom of the pool,
My finger traces the thin white line
On my wrist.

I lack air,
My lungs throbbing painfully.
But I don't care,
I don't ever want to come back up.
I want to stay here
in the bluest blue.

I think of drowning.

But nobody sees anything,
For they're all too busy
And I'm aimlessly clueless.

I want the ground to open
And swallow me
Whole.