Accepting Owen (Emilia's Perspective)

Chapter Twenty-Seven

Elijah groaned. "I'm not okay, alright? Is that what you want me to say? Waiting for her is the most aggravating thing I've ever experienced. I'm almost twenty-three. I'm ready to settle down. I want my wife. Im tired of having sex without connection.  Which I guess is good, since you're telling me to stop doing it. I feel like I'm stuck in this perpetual waiting stage.

"She's so close, yet so far away. So you're right; because I can't have her, you can't talk to her. It makes me jealous. I don't want you to have her attention when I can't. I can't describe this fucking feeling because it makes me sound like a predator, Em. Why does she have to be so young? It's not fair."

I rolled my eyes, huffing a breath. "Nothing is fair! Life isn't fair!"

"I'm getting so angry because it's like... she has this cage around my heart and she doesn't even know it. She has a permanent monopoly on my affection, but she's a fucking teenager, and I'm an adult. I shouldn't feel this way. I've been cursed!" He threw his hands up in anger.

"Hey, hey!" I pulled his face down so he had to look at me. "You are not cursed. You're blessed. You are going to have so much love for her-"

"What if she thinks I'm smothering her?"

"Stop! Stop doubting yourself. You're coming up with these situations that may never happen. Just take a deep breath. You can't do anything until something happens. When you get to see her, things will be different. The wait will be worth it."

His shoulders dropped as he let his defenses down. "Im tired of living my life like this-"

"You're making me insane. You need a hobby. If you won't fight, you need to come up with something else. Fire whoever does your cleaning, and do it yourself. Go to the gym. Get a counselor. Do something. Anything but this."

"Maybe that's what I need to do. Maybe I have too much down time. I don't think I could tell a counselor I'm expected to marry someone that's fourteen right now and not wake up in a straitjacket."

I laughed, even though his plight was sad. "Maybe you could talk to Owen's mom. I think she's a psychologist. Maybe she can help you."

"I'm used to talking to you. It's been hard to be away from you."

"You were never this upset before. Do you talk to anyone at all? Or are you holding it all in?"

He rolled his eyes. "How would I tell someone about this? I was nine years old when I was told my future wife would be this infant I met a couple of times. Dad started telling me that we had played so well together we were clearly meant to be soulmates.

"Then it became this story of how our love will be so strong that we'll rule the world. I never had a choice but to fall in love with her and the stories of our future, and it's fucking creepy. It wasn't so bad when we were both kids, but I'm an adult now. It kills me that I've spent my entire life preparing for her, and when she meets me she's going to see me as some old man."

He really thought he was old? "EJ, you aren't old-"

"I'm eight years older than she is, Emilia. In the time between our graduation dates, I could go to medical school. To her, I will be an old man, just like to us she's a child. I'm constantly in a war with myself over whether it's okay to think of a future with her. And then Dad had to get sick! Like I can handle more stress!

"I get death threats almost every single day," he continued. "I'm trying to be the perfect son, the perfect 'heir to the throne'. All I want is to feel loved. I don't know if I even want this anymore."

I wrapped my arms around his waist and squeezed him tightly against me for awhile before releasing him.  "You are going to be okay. Do you think you could forget about her? For the time being? Maybe just pretend you know nothing about the plans for your future until it's time."

"I don't know. It's been weaved into my every thought. Dad made sure he connected her to everything. I feel better talking to you. I think I just get trapped inside my head and everything gets stuck in this continuous loop." I wondered if Dad bad known what he was doing when he talked about Octavia every day, drawing connections to her in every part of Elijah's life.

"Well, try to take your mind off of it. Throw yourself into making this city great. Set goals for yourself, for you. Don't set goals that will impress Little Ava. Set goals that will make you happy. Set goals you can brag about with the guys you like that you work with. Tell Tommy how much you can bench press. Talk to Mateo about all the books you can read in a week. Make music. Do you still play the guitar?"

He scoffed, but at least it came with a smile. "I haven't touched a guitar since my junior year. Why would you think I still play guitar?"

"Because you don't talk to me. You retreated into your own mind and everything changed."

"I'm sorry."

I shook my head against his apology. He had no reason to be sorry. "Maybe you can build something. Buy a new car! Focus all your efforts on finding the perfect car, and buy it."

His eyes lit up. "A car. I think you're onto something. I can start a collection."

"There you go! Make a collection of cars. Get one in every color."

~~
Sorry this is so dialogue heavy. I hope it still makes sense.