BAND-AID

Two

"Why on Earth I feel nothing?"

I sit from laying on bed.

Usually, when someone holding my hands without asking me before doing it, I almost out of breath. So why the heck I feel nothing when he did held me? Is he ain't a man?

"Of course not!" I chuckle.

I get back laying and hide under the blanket.

In the next day I do everything just to not encounter him. I try to finish my work in office even they are really noisy. I go home as early as possible so he can't walk with me.

But I can't avoid thinking why am I hiding from him? "Of course I hate being with man."

"Are you still afraid with men?" Diana ask me all of sudden.

"Somehow— why?"

"I set you in a blind date."

"Ahm—well, I'll go. I'm sick being this phobic I need to do actions now, maybe it could help."

"Seriously? But what if—"

"I'll call you if that happens." I split her.

Besides, I'm not this real phobic. Perhaps I just let my self conquered by scared all those past years so I ended up being this horrible. Plus I'm getting older now, why not trying to go out from the shell made more than years ago?

5:30 in the afternoon is the exact time we should meet up, just a minute before the sun goes below to the horizon. I ready myself, I feel nervous thinking about not dating man for almost 4 years. What if I—

"No! Ana don't be coward anymore. None sick human being treated without doing an effort." I speak to my reflection at the dresser.

I almost ready when Diana knock on my door. She hug me and wear a sweet smile.

"I'll help, I promise."

The atmosphere here now is more likely the queen letting her daughter to send into battlefield where a war between 10 kingdom's happening.

I arrived at the Jubilee Garden at exactly 5:30 pm. I see a man near at the carousel so I think it would be him. I walk towards, when I almost near at him my feet stuck. I can't move and I feel nervousness already bitten my legs. The man wave so I force myself to wave back. Perhaps he notice that I stop so he begin to step forward to me. I feel that my feet taking a single step backward. I can't take this. I turned my back and tend to walk away— but I really wanna try.

I take a deep breathe and face him. He's getting closer and closer and I feel it won't work. My palms are getting cold so I need to hide it behind me.

"Hi." a man said.

Even my mouth freeze.

"I'm glad you came. I'm—"

"She needs to go now."

Somebody's came— it's Jb.

"What? Who are you?"

Jb give me a look. "A neighbor."

Jb held me away from the man and taking out from the Jubilee garden. Things became more confusing as I feel no worries while he still holding my hand.

"A blind date?"

"So what?"

"Why not telling me that you wanna date?"

"Do I need to tell—"

"I can ask too, to a date."

What the? When did the heck he became more straightforward?

"Don't fooling me around mankind."
I took back my hands and wipe it to my dress.

The sun is now setting— I bet it's more beautiful to watch at the London Bridge.

"Do you mind if we take a walk?"

"We always walk together."

We watch sunset together at the London bridge. Of course we have a special distance between us.

"Why you seem playing hide and seek with me?"

"How come you say so?"

"I saw you last day at the convenient store, I'm sure you saw me too."

I saw him last day at the store while buying can foods, that's why I run away.

"Are you transgender?" A question from nowhere. He look at me and wear his confused face reaction.

"I'm a man. As in a real man having—"

"Okay."

I shrug.

Silly witch, why asking your neighbor about his real sex identity.

In the next day I ended hiding from him. And also I cease my patience for reviewing file case at our noisy office. I oftentimes stay at the library again, yet not lending my goodie hands to Mica for her dates cause I do have a lot of thing I should work on.

This past week, I see him rarely at the library and even walking home with him became seldom. Probably its his job who make him busy everyday— and why the heck I care?.

I am walking ahead of home, the sun is already gone to west. It's too quiet, though it's good since I could easily hear if someone's following me. When I reach my apartment's door, the next door from ours gets open, it's Jb's house.

"Is it too late?"

I was about to ignore him when he holds me something.

"That's all I can do, hope you'll like it even you said you don't like arts." he smile at me and get back into his house.

How did he know that I was born this day?

I am sitting at my table beside the lamp. I open the book he lends to me, it's the same book I saw at the library when he did sleep.

I take a look page by page, a cute animation. But why did he draw it wrong? It seems strange since he begins the drawing from sunset to sunrise.

"Is it—"

I close the book, put it on top of the table. I grasp the pages from the 1st up to the last piece.

Probably, the purpose of drawing it at the edges of every front page of the book because, it is animated.

I start to loose the pages from the very last part.

"The sun is getting shiner while there's a man walking on a plain road. He keeps on walking alone until one night he see someone. From then on he never let the girl lost from his way. They just keep on walking until the sun set and begin to see nothing but the darks, yet they never parted."

On the next following days I realize I'm getting more comfortable with him. I begin to listen on his nightfall talks and by that I learn how his jobs really important to him.

It's almost 1 month had been past since we accidentally met and starts are walking home habits. It became clearer and clearer on me— I mean why I feel nothing when he hold my hands. Probably it was only him who has patience on talking with me still, though I always ignoring him. But this time I start addressing him.

"We lost our asset, we scammed by someone. That someone is my father."

My eyes widen. "That time when I saw you climbing the wall I got a call from my mom that my younger sister committed suicide."
And that's more surprisingly.

"And you thought I was about to do the same?"

"Uh-huh, I almost fell asleep there while crying, we're doomed— I see her reflection on you that time."

"I'm sorry."

"No." he pause. "So goodnight, then?"

I can see on his eyes how sad he is.

"Wanna do night talks?"

He wears it again, his baffle reaction.

"Just kidding." I smiled. "By the way I always have this thought of telling you that I'm not suicidal back then, not even now. Though you still save me, no one does it and no one can. Thank you."
I guess he’s saving me from my phobias.

I woke up late so basically I arrived at our office late too. They are all quiet and seem hearing a bad news. I walk directly on my table then here I see what's going on.

It's seems I don't need to wake up early morning from tomorrow and so on.

I lost my job.

"Wanna drink?" my colleague ask without looking at me.

"Y'all treat me?"

"Ana? Why not fighting about your side—"

"I made wrong moves. Should I lie?"

I know I made wrong strategy just to find evidence but atleast I saved her from living in hell-life feeling with his ex-husband.

This may not be my first time to drink alcohol, yet this is the first time I drink a lot.

I wake up having hang-over. I go to kitchen and seek soup, glad Diana made some.

I can't see myself through my own eyes while sitting in a couch, but I know I look horrible.

I hear something keeps on ringing so I stood and find my phone. My hang-over feels like migraine, my head hurts, real hard.

"Oh?"

"Can we talk?"

"Aren't we talking?"

"I'll wait here." Then she hung up, it's Mica.

I unintentionally snapped and jolted awake when I hear my phone ringing.

"Sorry I got snapped."
She examine me from the bottom to the top, then pull me to sit.

"What the heck that look?"

"Huh?"

"I received the news that you get fired but still you have your license right? Then what’s with that?"

She keeps on pointing my bruises at my wrist.

"I'm don't used blades—"

"Of course! If you want to die quick easy— there's no way. What happened? Who fought you?"

"I can't remember what happen, okay. Just an old lady in my way home last night then everything was gone in my memory. Why not be happy I'm still alive."

"Was it the first time you got drunk? Wasn't it?"

"It was." she laugh all of sudden— she seem so worried earlier, now laughing at me after knowing I got drunk.

I place my head on top of the table. My eyes are heavy. I want to sleep in this whole day.

"Hey, wake up, don't make this library a motel." she keeps on pulling my head out to table. "By the way where do you plan to work now?"

I just shrug. She hits me with a folded paper. "Can you stop?"

"Nope! Do you feel bored? You can help me here—"

I sit properly and give her barbaric look.

"Nope. You should stay here with the books."

I know where this talk will go, and I won't do a favor for her this time. I just need to take a rest, then after that I can offer my hands again.

I walked back home and hug my pillow tightly. I can't ignore my heavy eyes.

After getting drunk I ride on a bus, but I felt I wanna puked so ended up riding off. I walked and seek for a space. There I saw an old lady crying while she was on her knees. There's a woman standing in front of the senior and keeps on hitting her. I walked to them and asked for what happened, but instead she hits me too. I lost myself so I tend to fight back yet she quickly got inside her car. My wrists stuck on the window.

"Hey don't leave witch, fight me!" I keep on shouting until I realize that I just woke up.

"— so that's the untold story?" I murmured.

My eyes widen and it seems hang-over is now over.

"I will pull her hair until she get bald when I see her."

Sighed.

I feel fine now so I begin to find things to work on. My phone rings.

"Here we go!"—"Mica?"

"Nope— it's Jb."

"Do I need to ask whom you get my number?"

"You give it."

"Hey, stop fooling me mankind."

"I'm here outside—"

I stood rapidly and run towards the door, I search him through peephole.

He's really there— I almost forgot that we're neighbors. Tch.

I tend to hold the doorknob when I realized I didn't comb my messy hair— but why would I need to worry?

I open the door and show up to him . He smile and hung up the phone.

"Does your bruises still hurt?"

"Nope." How did he know? I smell something fishy.

"Did you ate the soup?"

"Yup— wait how do you know all those—"

"I thought you remember already."

My eyes goes shrink. I step outside the door.

"Go say all you know."

"I know all. I mean from the bus then." he smile. "I saw you puked then went to a fight, I ran when you stuck your wrist. You fainted after so I need you to piggyback."

My eyes widen hearing those scary words. Piggy back? Me?

"You keep on playing with my earlobe until you fall asleep while I'm carrying you ahead of home."

"Liar."

He shrugs. "I made the soup."

I gaze on him, if it's true that he did carry me, so is that mean I already been treated. And why the heck I had played his earlobe? I step closer to him. He baffle, I swear. I offer my hands and look directly at his eyes.

"I'm Ana, I'm glad having a nice neighbor." he accepts my hands with a smile on his face.

"Jb and I'm happy to meet you."

Everything seems fine. A mutual feeling when I hold Mica and Diana's hand. I should be thankful to him if that's so.

"I'll treat you—"

"Sure!"

"Someday." I added that make his excitement gone. I shrugged, then get back inside the house.

But I'm still worried. How can I assure that I am treated now? I take a pause and another problem knocks on my door— where could I find a job?

On the next day I wake up early and find a formal dress, I'm planning on searching for a job.

I search for all over the Government office near at my place yet they have no vacancy so ended up walking into the library.

"Why not trying to apply in publishing company?"

I look at her, at Mica seriously.

"C'mon Ana, it's almost 4 years had been passed, are you still—"

"I- I just forgot how to be a—"

"Of course you don't, you liar tch."

I bow my head and glued my forehead on the table. "I'm scared, still."

"I thought you had moved on. I see you feel fine when someone touches you, I mean a man." I hear she sighed. "I saw you being comfortable with Jb so I thought."

Yeah, me too.

"Oh hi Jb." I move my head sideward and glance on him. Is he ain't a man?

"Hi Ana." he wave and smile, Mica looks both of us then stood.

She points out the front desk and herself too, saying that she'll get back to her spot. I nod and sit properly. Jb grab a chair, then he sits in front of me.

"I'll treat you a dinner, want?"

He moves his face nearer towards me. "Are you asking me for a date?"

"Never mind." I replied, he laugh all of sudden. He laid his back on the chair while still sticking his eyes on me. "I would love to." he said then wear a sweet smile.

"Thanks for this." he keeps on thanking me while eating the meal so I keep on nodding too.

After we had dinner we walk home together as well. Again, while walking I let him to step first so we could have distance. I glued my eyes on his back so that I could be aware if he will stop walking suddenly.

He doesn't speak much unlike on those past nightfall. From watching him walking I move my sight up to the sky— I get bored looking his back. The sky's getting dark, but I can still see the red colored clouds as by the reflection of sunset. An aesthetical view of the sky, just for a seconds the space above turns into darkness that I betoken through my naked eye.

"Ana?" I back my eyes on him, he takes a pause so I.

"Why?"

"I- I want to know you more so—"

"So?"

"So I could date you, real this time." he turned his sight at me.

"Stop fooling me mankind."

"I'm serious."

Yeah he's serious.

"Are you transgender?"

His eyes widened.

"Don't you believe me? Should I let you see my thing?"

I shrug. "That's why they call transgender, right? To get things that their preference has."

"Tch, I'm a real inborn male human being." he began to walk.

"Okay." I replied, though my voice sounds still not believing. He paused and look at me.

"I could give you babies if you wanna proof."

What? I startle and feel goose bumps, I step away, more from him.

"Go give yourself crazy man."

In the next following days I try to find a job, but still it's hard to find a vacancy. I am always passing by the library. Most of the time I'm just reading books, surprisingly, I miss reading complicated cases so I always get books talks about social. Sometimes I fall asleep and waking up through a powerful hit by Mica.

"I'll take a day off tomorrow, can we date?"

He talks to me as if we really knew each other. I just give him a stare— though why not? I'm getting bored this past days and it's a date, with a man. As if he's a real man.

I look at him closer, thinking if I shall ask him if he's really a man, again.

"Tomorrow lunch." I utter.

I walk home alone since he still needs to pass by on his job location. I don't have any plans towards the Yes I gave on him. I just realized that in all men I met since I live in this shell, it's only him where I can talk to without the feelings of anger into mine, it's only him that could hold my hands without me fainting and that, it is only Jb I can feel comfortable walking on a road where, even no one sees us.

This morning I stayed at bathtub almost an hour than I usually do. I like hearing Diana almost crying outside, as I intentionally stay longer here so she'll be late at work. I imagine her doing walling while shouting my name.

I giggle.

I wear a huge smile on my face when I step outside the bath yet Diana has teary eyes. I do my best not to let her know that it was all an intended thing.

One hour before lunch and counting down. I stuck between wearing dress or pants. I hear my phone vibrate so I take a look.

It's from Jb. "See you..."

Just a minute left before 12 noon, I am standing now, wearing plain pastel T-shirt with pants right in front of the same carousel at Jubilee Garden where I had the blind date— it wasn't really a blind date though since I didn't speak, even just one word. "See you in the classical timber carousel at Jubilee Garden."

He already sees me so he waved. I don't take even a single step and let him walk forward. He did notice so now he moves towards me. I stay still and watching him like what I did to my blind date. His eyes are directly on me and continue walking. Jb and my blind date did almost the same. They wave, they smile and they walk towards me, but one thing differ the situation, it's me. I feel no worries about him. I know, Jb is a real man, but he seems different. Maybe I should give myself a chance to find how he vary from other men.

"Let's go eat to a resto."

"I already ate." I swear, I have eaten before going here.

"Huh? But I said yesterday I'll treat you a lunch."

"I bet you ate too."

His eyes widened. "Don't fool me mankind, I know you already ate since you aren't sure if I'll show up." he starts to show his dog smile— of course I know he'll eat so I.

"So? Where shall we go instead?"

"Uhm— London eye?" I point it.

"I'm scared of heights."

"Uh-huh?"

"I'm serious."

"Okay, so goodbye then?" I begin to walk, when he sudden grab my hands from back. I feel shocked— so still I can't handle someone touches from my back even it's Jb— I take my hands back but he holds it tight and walk fast.

"I thought you have fear of heights?" we are now slowly getting upward, riding inside the London Eye.

He don't move from his position and even just a glance outside down he don’t dare  try. I stood and goes near at the view. "You should ask me for an Ice-cream instead, but you let me to decide. I pity you mankind."

"Please don't, actually pulling yourself to move out of your shell is not bad though. Especially if it's for someone that—

"Is that cliché?"

"So? It doesn't matter if someone's words are cliché as long as it came from the heart. Sincerity makes same words become different in meaning."

His words marked on me.


While walking home, I'm still thinking about it.

On the next day I received an email from one of those office I came about.

"I didn't get the job."

I walk and hold the garbage bag. I step outside, walk toward the garage bin and put it on— is this how my life will cycle?

When I get inside I walks directly to my room and lay in bed. I should have a work. It's too boring to stay live without doing anything. Job is unnecessary to me since I have enough money until my last breath and even for my funeral. Same with my older sisters and brothers, they also live with their own made family, then so I don't have any responsibility left about family matter.

I'm thinking of making a business, but I know I'll fail again this time. I already tried different businesses and they all turned into failure.

I stood and take my phone.

"Can I apply here?" I asked Mica seriously, her eyes go shrink and laugh all of sudden.

"You are really bored."

"I'll do it for free, you can kick out Jb. I'll get his job without payment."

"You're selfish and betrayer."

I shrug. "You're mean." a man's voice from somewhere. He's a mushroom, always appearing from nowhere.

"Huh?"

"Why are you taking someone's job?" he raise his eyebrows and give me a barbaric look, like I always give on him.

"Hey stops you two. You won't get fired Jb and Ana I'll accept your application so it won't disappoint both of you." Mica splits our tensing atmosphere— as if we're really intense.

I smile and sight Mica. "Thank you."

I help Mica in the library most of the time since Jb has another job. But I never thought voluntarily working at library will be an addition to the reason of walking home with him every night.

When library's visitors are fewer I hide at the front desk to play Tetris. Often times I am busy. Since I'm already here to assist the whole day,  Mica gets a chance— a lot of chances— to sneak for a date.

Sometimes I see Jb snapping so I take a glance on his laptop, I know it's a sin, but he left the monitor open, I do skim his drawing. He's good though.

Today, I'm walking ahead of home alone. The roads are dark, though it has street lights. It's too quiet and I notice something. Even I never take a peek at my back, I feel that there's someone sneaking from behind. I continue walking and assuming that I just being hinky, or probably it's Jb joking me.

I walk, and walk until I remember what happen last day. I went out to buy things for Diana cause she feels sick. When walking went back to apartment, I noticed shadows from behind of me. At first I let it and continued walking not until I see its shadow became closer and closer and I heard that the sounds of its steps getting louder and louder so I end up running and fainted in front of our apartment's door.

My heartbeat goes fast, my palms getting cold and I feel goosebumps. What if he—

"No! He wouldn't." I almost have a teary eye while keeping my feet's into walking. I wanna run yet I feel that my legs are now getting freeze, I'm having a hard time to breathe, and my tears start to fall, I'm crying now. I'm really scared right now. I hear the steps from my back seems running into me, then

I covered my face with my palms, I totally froze.

"What happen? Do I frighten you again?"