The ghost of him

Chapter 14

"The thing is," I say to Dr. Miller as I lay on the sofa. He wanted to know more about me and Aaron's relationship to 'help me overcome my sadness and inner demons'. "I liked Aaron. I don't know if he knew it or not, but I liked him. A lot. Like I wanted a relationship with him." I say, full of love but also sadness. I'm close to tears now, so I wipe them with the tissue.

"Oh?" He says as his eyes grow wide, writing this all down. I guess this is interesting stuff.

"Yeah, but he was my best friend. He would've never gone for it. Plus, he liked so many other girls, and they all loved him." I say, a little bit jealous. Correction, a lot jealous. All the memories come back, and I really wish they wouldn't.

"Oh. I bet that made you pretty upset," he says, his voice full of sorrow.

"It did. If I knew he was going to die that day, I would have poured my heart out to him. But no one really knows the future." I thought about that moment a lot, what would have happened if I told him how I felt. How he would react, what he would do. If we'd start dating or he'd turn me down. He'd probably turn me down, say he doesn't like me in that way.

"How about now? How do you feel now?" he says, concerned.

I think for a moment. How do I feel? He's dead, so it shouldn't matter how I feel. Right? If I love him still, so what? Nothing I can do about it. It's not like I can bring him back to life. "It shouldn't matter. He's dead." I say, truthfully.

"So? Just because he's dead, doesn't mean those feelings don't matter." He pauses and looks at me for a few seconds. "You don't want those feelings no more, do you?"

It's like he can read my mind. "Of course, I don't. Me still liking him is just torturing myself." I can never have him, never date him now. Maybe he's right. Having these feelings do matter, and they are pointless now.

"That's why you have to let go of those feelings. It's going to be hard, but you have to move on. You can't be obsessed over someone that's dead." he looks down like he's embarrassed and ashamed.

"Dr. Miller? Are you okay?" I ask him. He looks like he's about to cry.

"I'm fine, thanks for asking. I just want to say that I did the same thing. My mom died while I was in college. It took me a while to move on. I refused to let go of her, convinced myself that she wasn't dead, just went away for a while."

He pauses as he grabs a tissue. "But I had to let go and I did, and now I'm giving advice to you, who's going through the same thing." He smiles at me. "This," He motions to the room. "Is what success looks like."

"I want to get over him, I do. But it's hard, especially for me."

"No matter what the situation is, everyone can move on." he stares at me, really hard and focused. "I can tell." He says after a while. "That this is dragging you down. You're moving on, but not in a healthy way."

He doesn't know anything about what I've experienced. How does he know it's not healthy. "What are you talking about?" I say, a puzzled expression on my face.

"One of our sessions you told me you met this guy at the mall. Correct?"

"Yes..."

"And does he remind you or make you think about Aaron?" Why does he need to know that?

"um..."

"I'm going to take that as a yes. You're replacing him. Don't replace him, just accept that he's dead and there's nothing you can do about it. Don't stress over something if there's nothing you can do to change it."

He doesn't get it. I keep telling him that it's hard, and I'm not sure exactly how to do that and he isn't telling me. "How can I accept that he's dead when I see him all the time?!" The words spill out of me. I cover my mouth with my hand. Oh god, that's the craziest thing I could have said. Better put me in a straitjacket right now.