Breathe (Oikawa x female!reader)

2 - Walking

I enjoyed walking. Even though most days I wrap myself up in my bed sheets, and feel like throwing up from the thought of even moving my body, I like the feeling of fresh air on my skin as I walk, the slightly damp spring air refreshing me a little. Walking is therapeutic ; your legs automatically go through the motions to transport you from one place to another, and you can let your mind wander wherever you like.
I had my air-pods in, listening to The 1975, and Darcey walked alongside me, also listening to her own music. We didn't really the rest of the way. We have a weird relationship with one another: I admire her extraversion and beauty, even though she can be a total bitch to me at times. She has a kind soul, and she knows I deeply appreciate her. She takes care of me a lot more than a regular sister normally would. Even when she gets into her 'bitch-mode' (as you saw this morning) I look past it, for it could never cloud the kindness she's shown me all my life.

Our parents are currently both away on a business trip, but are usually at home, and a massive pain in my ass. They love me, and I them, but the excessive drug tests and curfews make me feel like a prisoner in my own home. I don't blame them, though. I mean, after this summer when my sister had to drive around all night looking for me after I ODed on cocaine, and then had to take me to hospital which then resulted in me going into rehab for 8 weeks, it's understandable why they're so protective over me. But I get pissed off all the same. However, they're going to be gone for at least another 2 months, and now that Darcey's all caught up with school and her boyfriend, that leaves plenty of room for me to fuck up my life.

To put things bluntly, I have absolutely no intention of staying clean.

Yeah yeah yeah I know, selfish, right? But here's the thing: I'm a 17 year old high school student with severe mental illness problems, and as if the raging hormonal issues and natural lack of serotonin wasn't hard enough to deal with, keeping my grades as high as they are while taking college prep classes only adds to that pressure, so I need something to take the edge off. Unless, you know, you'd rather just watch me crack under the pressure and kill myself instead.
The school pretends to care about our mental wellbeing, but as long as your grades are above average, they assume your mental health is in check, too. Idiots. In short, my meds don't help anymore, my therapists were all useless, and I don't have any friends - I need to feel something, so here we are. Before you go judging me, just remember: I didn't build this soul crushing system, some capitalist jackass did; I'm just trying not to drown.

We arrived at Iwaizumi's house. He's an incredibly attractive guy; tall with dark brown hair and deep green eyes. He's smart, and best friends with the popular people in both his own year group and my own. Before Darcey could even knock on the door it immediately swung open.
"BABE, I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!" Iwaizumi exclaimed. He lifted her up in his arms, hugging her waist.
"I missed you, too, Iwa-chan!" Darcey giggled. I began to wonder if anyone will ever be that excited to see me.
"Hey, (y/n)!" Iwaizumi greeted. He jogged over to me from his porch and gave me a hug. "How've you been?" he asked, a hint of concern in his voice.
"Hey, Iwaizumi. I've been doing well, thanks for asking," I lied and put on my best fake smile.
"That's great to hear," he responded. For someone known as 'the popular guy' he's incredibly genuine and down to earth. Who knows why he's so kind to me, though, probably only because I'm his girlfriend's sister.
"Shall we set off, then?" Darcey asked, heading away from Iwaizumi's door and along the stone path towards us.

I put my headphones in and walked a few paces behind them, admiring the backs of their heads, watching Iwaizumi's large, masculine hand interlock with Darcey's softer, delicate one, their fingers stroking the backs of each other's hands. I wondered what they could be talking about - probably what they'd gotten up to over the short spring break between March and April. Maybe how much they had missed one another. I don't really know what people talk about anymore. After spending the majority of your adolescent years isolated and depressed, you tend to widen the social gap between yourself and your peers. I kicked some stones on the pavement and daydreamed along with the music, not really being in the mood to join in with them. I never really was one for casual conversation. I liked parties, though (when I had the social energy to attend them), and don't get me wrong, I also enjoy people's company, but not many people really understand what I'm going through, so I became a sort of well-liked social outcast. A social butterfly, not belonging to any particular group, floating between friendships, never being anyone's number one best friend, but also not particularly being disliked either. Everyone knew who I was: I was the famous, popular, pretty Darcey (L/n)'s younger sister; except I was the quiet, drug-addicted one.

It really sucked that a lot of people heard about me going into rehab, and I just can't bear the thought of all the stares I was going to receive from random people in the hallways today. That was something that always bothered me, the thought that I am constantly being watched. Why can't people just mind their own fucking business? I heard people talk about me all the time last year. They'd say shallow, judgemental things like:

'How is she related to Darcey?'

'I know right she's so weird, but Darcey's so popular and normal'.

'But you know, (Y/n) is really pretty, all the boys say she's hot anyway, but if she'd just stop being a crack head *giggles* and make some friends maybe she'd be able to get a boyfriend'.

'I totally agree, like, she's attractive of course, I mean, she's Darcey (L/n)'s sister for God's sake, but all she does is study and doesn't even, like, interact with anyone. I don't get how she manages to get her grades so high but pops pills in the bathroom at break and lunch *laughter* I'm kinda jealous'.

I can hear their conversations and back-handed compliments repeating over and over again in my head. Why are girls so mean sometimes? I closed my eyes and tried not to think about the thousands of pairs of eyes that were all going to be directed towards me when I walk into school.

"Hey, you good?" I heard a muffled female voice ask. "Hey, hey, what's the matter?"

I opened my eyes to see a concerned Darcey and Iwaizumi staring back at me - I felt the water around my eyes - shit, I didn't realise I was crying.

"I'm fine, sorry, y-yeah I'm fine. S-sorry," I stuttered whilst turning my music off.

"Don't apologise, (Y/n), what's wrong? Tell us. Oh great, you've smudged your mascara- NO! DON'T TOUCH IT!! Here, let me," Darcey continued, clicking her tongue as she pulled out a tissue and dabbed at my undereyes.

"No, really, nothing's wrong, I'm just a little nervous for the first day back, that's all," I laughed as I shrugged her arms off of me. "Come on, let's go," I carried on walking, this time in between them both. I really wished that Darcey and I were somehow the same age so that I could hang out with her and Iwaizumi instead of being on my own all the time, but I know they'd just get sick of me. They don't actually like me, they probably just pity me because I'm so messed up.

Five minutes later, we arrived at the gates of hell- I mean, Aoba Johsai High School. I stood facing the large, white structure as it loomed over me. It truly was a beautiful building with glass roofs and a high ceiling. Large windows on its face let light seep through, making it a gorgeous scene in the summer. None of this imagery calmed me down, though. All I could think about was the murmuring people would do whenever I walked by.

"Hey, calm down, you're okay. You'll be fine," Iwaizumi chuckled as he rested his hands on my trembling shoulders. "Hey, look at me," he turned my body to face his, "If anyone says anything to you, you come tell me or Darcey and we'll sort them out, you hear me?"

"Thanks, guys, but I'm not a child, okay? I can take care of them myself. I'll see you both later" I dully responded. I brushed his hands off, and walked towards the main entrance. I could still feel their eyes on me, but didn't turn back. I regretted being dismissive to him, but I just wanted minimal attention, that's all, and besides, everybody already damn well knows not to piss me off.

I checked my watch. 8:10am. I took a deep breath. A lot of people had already arrived, making it that much harder to slip by unnoticed. It's fine. It's okay. Just go inside. I placed a sweaty palm on the door, and pushed it open with a large exhale. I stepped inside, and immediately regretted doing so.