Breathe (Oikawa x female!reader)

24 - I think I'm falling for you...

I won't bore you with the details, but since that night after school, Oikawa and I texted back and forth constantly. In the mornings I'd send him a 'good morning' message, and eagerly wait for him to respond as I got ready. On my walk to school, as I trailed behind my sister and Iwaizumi, Oikawa would ask for my timetable for that day so he could figure out where to find me. During the classes we didn't share with each other, we'd be texting under our desks, and during our maths classes, we'd be drawing on each others hands or notebooks. Finally, after our respective extracurricular clubs had finished, he'd walk me part way home, which was then followed by us spending a good portion of the night texting and laughing.

This routine continued for the next week, and I found myself gradually becoming more and more attracted to him. I was confused by the feeling, as I'd never felt like this before. It scared me. The paranoia and doubt always managed to find a way to fester inside my mind. Constant nagging whenever I'd get a message or call from Oikawa: 'Don't reply that fast, you look clingy and desperate', 'Why didn't you notice the notification earlier? He thinks you're rude now - good job'. My mind flickered between the two opposing criticisms, leaving me to flounder aimlessly in the situation.

'He doesn't like you, you idiot. Get over yourself.'

It hurts, having an internal monologue that constantly belittles every joyous emotion you experience, which is another reason my drug abuse started. I sighed and reached over to get my homework out my bag, but accidentally knocked it over. A rattling sound came from the secret compartment inside, and I remembered it was my pill bottle I hid in my bag on the first day of school.

Suddenly, my eyes lit up as I had an epiphany; I hadn't felt the need to use... anything... since the first day of school! It's been around two weeks since I've felt the need to abuse my xanax or any other meds. Why? How?! I mean, of course I did coke and ecstasy at the party last week... but that was different - I didn't feel like I needed them, I just wanted to do them. I know that doesn't exactly sound reasonable to a healthy person, but to an addict, wanting to do drugs and feeling like you need to do them are two very, very different things, the former being a much more preferable option.

What caused me to forget my addiction? How is that even possible? You can't just forget an addiction, it's not that simple. You can't just switch up one day and decide you're no longer dependent-

That's when it hit me. There's no clear cut way to 'stop' addiction; it's a habit, and most humans aren't great at breaking habits, especially if we believe they make us feel good. However, addictions can translate into other ones, and even sometimes become weaker with practice and commitment.

My phone buzzed, and his name lit up my screen. I bit my lip and sighed as I unlocked my phone to reply to his teasing messages. I realised then and there, that I had gradually become more attached to Toru Oikawa than I had hoped, and to my dismay, he had become my new addiction.

"Fuck," I muttered to myself.

This wasn't supposed to happen - I was supposed to be able to control it.

How could I have let this happen?

I'm so stupid.

If this ends badly...

No. I need to stop thinking like that - I can allow myself to have one stable relationship in my life. Whatever this thing is with Oikawa, I want to make it last for as long as possible. I don't care if we're doomed to end up hating each other, all I know right now is that I want to be around him. I need to stop overthinking things and just go with the flow for once.

I took a deep breath as I accepted my foreign feelings, but a dark thought obstinately remained at the back of my mind, one which I didn't want to think about. In my group therapy sessions at rehab, we were forbidden to engage in relationships beyond friendships with any of the staff or other patients. This was because if they were to go awry, the results could cause severe turbulence in the patients' recoveries. However, like the rebellious drug users we were, a lot of people ignored these rules and continued to pursue their hormonal desires as they pleased. I luckily never found anyone there attractive enough, so I just kept myself to myself, but from what I observed, the romantic affairs consistently ended up in flames, and the counterparts were often sent off to new, different rehab centres or inpatients. It was a pretty straightforward rule for me to follow, I mean, in such an unstable environment with such unstable people around, a romantic relationship is the last thing I'd want to be involved in, but I guess some people just don't care at that point, which is fair enough.

Even though I'm not in a rehab centre anymore, I'd still consider my mental stability to be rather weak when it comes to building relationships with people. I can act as tough and cold as I'd like, but if I begin to open up to someone, I'm scared everything will uncontrollably start flooding out, and I don't want to let that happen. And even if I manage to control my emotions and ease myself into a relationship with Oikawa, how do I know he won't hurt me? He's his own person with his own unique feelings and thoughts, so what if he just does something that completely destroys me and breaks my heart? 

As I began to be consumed by the darkness of my mind, yet again, a piece of advice my therapist gave to me surfaced:

"If you live your whole life trying to calculate the probability of something going right, instead of just going for it, that's what you'll end up doing forever: calculating and dreaming, and before you know it, you'll miss each and every opportunity, and spend each day regretting the last. You're a very level-headed person, (y/n), so I know you won't apply this advice to ridiculous and reckless situations, but you'll know when the time is right, and when it comes, remember this discussion, because you're far too young to give up on yourself."

I softly smiled to myself, gently wrapping my arms around my shoulders. "It's okay," I whispered, and picked up my phone to see what the pretty volleyball player had messaged me.

I felt okay. I felt safe.

Even if it was just for this short, insignificant moment, it didn't matter.

I felt okay.

I spent the rest of the night talking to Oikawa as well as texting on the group chat I'd been added to. They were already planning another party, and this time Kuroo offered to host it at his place this Friday night, to which we all happily agreed.

I flopped back on my bed, grinning to myself as I planned out what outfit to wear, as well as fantasized about what would happen between Oikawa and I on Friday night.