What Would You Change?

Bitch, We Already Knew You Were Crazy: Chapter 9

Luckily, first period is AP Literature, which usually is the class I dread the most, but today I feel giddy about how no one I know is here. Unfortunately though, I forgot that my problems would eventually catch up to me by lunch time, and I had absolutely zero thought of a plan on what to tell Robbie and Trina.

Fortunately, the library is typically empty around lunchtime, so I take the time to look for a place to hide. I run towards to vast entrance to the libraries door. I allow myself to smile at my small victory to hide. So, I pick up a fantasy novel and a bookshelf to hide behind for the rest of the lunch period. Just when I think I'm in the clear I feel an arm wrap around my neck, and the low voice of Trina say,

"If you even think about moving again without telling us what went down between you and Cody, I'll snap your neck."

Trina was holding on tightly to my neck that at this point, it started to hurt.

"Okay, okay sheesh. It wasn't that big of a deal." I say while untangling myself from Trina's hold and holding my hands in the air like I'm about to be arrested.

"Tell us. It is a big deal, and we're your friends." Trina says and crosses her arms. I almost didn't notice Robbie standing right behind her. He looked like Trina's shadow.

I sigh.

"Okay, you promise you won't think I'm absolutely crazy" I say because I'm seriously considering telling them the truth. I can't have the two people I care most about in this school think I'm crazy.

Trina cocks her head, "Bitch we already knew you were crazy. That's why we're friends with you."

I smile.

"Okay, what I"m about to tell you might sound unrealistic. But, basically I think I concocted a love potion as my science project, which I made Cody drink it. Now I'm not entirely sure, but I think that's the reason why he asked me to tutor him and kissed me." I swallow.

Wow, my chest feels lighter.

However, Trina and Robbie both look like they've seen a ghost.

"WHAT?" Robbie practically shrieks. Trina doesn't bother to move, she's looking at me like I'm Medusa and I've turned her to stone.

"Okay, okay, okay" Robbie says while pacing back and forth between the bookshelves within the library.

"So you're telling me you think you made a love potion. You know, as one does in their free time in the afternoons. You gave that potion for Cody to drink on purpose, and then it actually may have worked which is why he kissed you."

Robbie races his hands through his hair. He also can't stop pacing which starts to make me a little jittery myself. Trina still hasn't spoken to either of us.

"Um yeah," I say.

Then, Trina glares at me. Eventually, it's as if a lightbulb goes off in Robbie's brain when he says,

"The weird thing is, is that I believe you. But, I don't see the problem, just give him the antidote."

"Um, about that, yeah, there is no antidote."

Both Robbie and Trina's faces fall.

"Yeah, that's a problem," Robbie says in a high voice.

Trina gives me a long hard stare, and finally, after I'm sure I broke her when she says.

"I guess what I'm trying to figure out is, why? Why make a love potion and then precede to give that potion to Cody? You know it's morally and ethically wrong. So why? You know that isn't a good person move. I don't understand how a friend of mine could be so cruel," Trina says.

My face hardens, and I stiffen my posture.

"Look, don't get all on your high horse with me. You think you're so much better than everyone else because you wear leather jackets and are cool. But, I think if you were in my position you'd do the same thing," I say.

Trina's face falls.

"No. You don't get to say that. I wouldn't. I wouldn't make someone fall in love with someone if they didn't want to. Everyone has the right to love who they want. I wouldn't want to be with a boy even if I was forced to."

I realize my mistake as soon as she finishes her sentence. I want to take my words back, but I can't because that's the thing about words, once you say them, they're out in the open. They're like time, you can never take it back.

"Trina you know I didn't mean it like that," I say softly. My eyes are fixed on a stain in the wooden library floor. I can't bring myself to lift by head up and look Trina in the eye.

"I think you did." Trina says. "I think you don't even realize what you did was fucked up, and I'm not sure if I want to be friends with someone who thinks it's okay to manipulate the way someone loves."

Trina stands tall, and Robbie looks between the two of us, his gaze goes back and forth as if he's trying to decide which friendship is more worthy.

"Trina! Of course I think it's wrong what I did!" I practically scream.

Over in the corner I hear the school librarian say, "Shhh" is a loud whisper. I roll my eyes behind her back though.

"I don't think you do think it's wrong. You tried to avoid telling us and you've never once mentionned how to undo the potion," Trina says.

I feel my face start to burn. How dare she? How dare she think this is easy for me and that I wanted this? I mean I wanted it, but not like this.

"You know what Trina, so what? So what if I wanted someone to actually love me, and finally experience the taste of this magical thing every fucking song and person talks about. Something that even you've experienced. You know what, why is it bad for me to want that?" I yell and raise my hands up in the air emphatically. I take a couple deep breaths because I feel like I just ran a marathon even though I haven't moved an inch.

Trina takes a long hard look at me, but ultimately sighs.

"But you don't get to decide that Ryan, that's not your call on who Cody should love, even if he was a dick before. It's called free will for a reason, and he doesn't have that now," Trina says.

Robbie, who was quiet until just a moment ago, physically get's in the space between Trina and I.

"Look, what's in the past is in the past, let's just help Ryan find the antidote. I mean Ryan made a mistake and now we can, move on by helping her," Robbie says.

He looks proud. Trina is nodding her head reluctantly, but I can tell she's on board with Robbie. 

However, there's a pull from within, a tug, that knows I can't let this opportunity slip away from me. For the first time in my life I am wanted by another boy. I'm wanted by someone who could actually love me. Yeah, it might not be as ethical as I would like, but Harlow used live monkey's in his experiment to explain attachment theory. He got results whether it was not as ethical as most people would have liked. I can do the same thing. There's been plenty of instances like that. Sometimes the ends due justify the means.

"No." I say.

"What?' Trina practically shouts. Even Robbie has widened his eyes by my response.

"No. I'm not finding an antidote. I told you guys about what happened. I never said I wanted to fix it. And, if you can't understand why I just want to be fucking loved, then that's your problem."

I storm out of the library, not caring if the library will shhhh me again or if Robbie and Trina disagree with me. I deserve to be loved.