What Would You Change?

Darling I'm a Nightmare Dressed Like a Daydream: Chapter 13

I convince myself Trina is wrong. I repeat over and over and over in my head that Cody likes me for me. But, it's too late, Trina's planted the seed of doubt.

I repeat how I deserve this, how I'm always such a good girl and I deserve to break the rules every once in a while. And, if I say it enough it satiates me, at least for a little while.

I did none of my homework, but I can't even be bothered with the teachers' berating statements towards me. As if they actually cared about anything other than saving face. The teachers all looked beaten down, and are just trying to make it through life themselves. They should really be disappointed in themselves. If anything, their comments only fuel my anger to continue to not do my homework. 

When AP Chem rolls around, I'm a garbage truck of negative emotions all bunched into one. There's anger, sadness, resentment, bitterness and envy, all rolled into one disgusting garbage pile of me. So, when I walk into Mr. Rowner's room in front of the entire class, and he states,

"Ryan, I'm excited to see your final project." I don't even blink when I remember I have nothing to present to him.

I look Mr. Rowner dead in the eye, and say,

"Guess this will be my first Fail then because I have nothing to present," with a simple shrug. My arms are crossed, and I'm ready to release all my pent up emotions at any teacher's next degrading sentence towards me about how they're so "disappointed in me" and how they really "care about my wellbeing" while also saying all those words loudly in front of the entire class.

So, when Mr. Rowner shifts his gaze to the rest of the class and says,

"Well today we'll be learning about Marie Curie and her scientific discovery of radium." I stumble into my designated seat, touching all the desks that I pass through, as if gravity might stop working at any moment.

Cody smiles and taps at me as though he's a puppy ready to receive a treat from me. I give him a side smile that's not very convincing.

"Hey, are you okay?" Cody whispers. He touches my hand and his soft eyes look into mine.

I look Cody dead in the eye. See. How could this not be real? It feels so real. No one could fake their emotions this well even on a love potion... could they? What if I never find anyone who will be this good to me ever again? 

I shove those thoughts down and whisper back,

"Yeah, just some hard friend stuff."

But, I know those words aren't fooling anyone, especially with my puffy eyes and smudged mascara.

As chemistry class comes to a close I hear Mr. Rowner say,

"Ryan! Stay behind, I have some things I would like to discuss with you."

I sit up tall in my desk getting ready for my next battle. Cody gives me a tight hand squeeze and a small smile, but ultimately leaves for his next class. If Mr. Rowner wants to give me hell about missing a stupid project, then I'll give him hell right back, because darling I'm a nightmare dressed like a daydream.

Mr. Rowner waits until the last student has left the classroom other than me before making his way over to my desk. He sits in the desk adjacent to mine, and I wonder if he's going to look at me when he talks, but instead he keeps his eyes trained towards the front of the classroom. Even though I'm about to be berated I can only focus on how Mr. Rowner's adult body seems disproportionate compared to the small desk, even though bigger football players have sat in those very seats. In a soft voice that I think comes out of Mr. Rowner's mouth, I hear,

"I know it may come as a shock to you, but I was once in highschool myself. I'm not going to pretend I even understand how the times have changed or how you feel. But, what I am going to tell you is, one day you won't have the room to take things out on adults because you'll be an adult. One day you'll understand many points of view instead of just your own. So, while I might not condone your talking back language or your inability to complete an assignment out of rejection of the system. I understand it."

He pauses. Mr. Rowner, not once, moves his eyes from the front of the classroom. I have to look around to make sure there is no one else he could be talking to. I raise my eyebrows when his words finally register into my brain. In two seconds, my once tall stance in my chair, has taken a dip into a slump. To my surprise, Mr. Rowner did not come to me looking for a fight. He came as a grownup. Then, Mr. Rowner turns his head ninety degrees so his eyes pierce into mine. He continues,

"I'm going to ask you what I should have the other day instead of lashing out," He pauses again and continues by saying, "Are you okay? I'm sorry I didn't ask before, because usually when a kid is talking back or behaving differently than normal it means they're going through something. And ,if you don't want to talk to me about what you're going through, you don't have to, but I think you should definitely talk to an adult."

All my previous plans of giving Mr. Rowner hell vanish into thin air. I've suddenly been disarmed by his previous words. I expected to be treated as a delinquent, not as a person. So, I prepared to respond as a delinquent, but now.... Now I'm not sure how to respond.

His voice oozes of softness as if I hadn't just ruined my GPA by not turning in my final project, as if I hadn't betrayed my best friends, as if the only way I could relate to my sister will be taken away from me, as if I hadn't made a boy fall in love with me who wasn't supposed to.

I look down. Something overcomes my body, it may be a demon, because one second I am looking at Mr. Rowner's eyes and the next I'm hit by a wave of emotion crashing into my stomach. Before I even have time to react to Mr. Rowner's words, I hear a whimper escape from my throat. Then, once the first sob comes out of me, another one pours out and it's like I'm a waterfall with my tears. They never seem to stop rushing down my face. Every time I clean one tear with my hand, another one takes its place.

I look up again to see Mr. Rowner's delicate gaze and feel a hand on my back. I hear myself sobbing,

"What if I'll never find love? What if no one will ever want me? What if my friends don't like me ever again? What if I just tanked my GPA? What's the point of this?" I wave my hands up in the air and continue, "What's even the point of life if I'm never going to be able to experience it like everyone else?"

I hide my face in my hands and pray my hands are big enough to shield all my problems hurtling towards me. I listen to Mr. Rowner sigh, and it's official I've just broken one of the great teachers with all of my stupid problems.

"Ryan, obviously you're going through a lot. So take this one thing off your plate. I'll give you a makeup exam that we both know you can ace. So don't worry about your GPA," Mr. Rowner says.

I feel as though one foot of the elephant standing on me has been lifted. My chest still feels tight though, but not like before. Mr. Rowner proceeds with his lecture saying,

"But, more importantly take your life one step at a time. Not everything is going to happen in highschool. You're not going to find the love of your life here, maybe not even in college, but you will experience love. Life lasts many decades, so while highschool may seem forever, it's not. There's nothing wrong with being a late bloomer. In fact, in most cases it's preferable because then you don't have to deal with the immaturity of lovers, friends, and people. I think we all have this need to want to get places the fastest and the quickest. And, I know this sounds lame coming from your teacher, but the journey truly is more important than the destination."

I rub the last of my tears out of my eyes, and realize what I have to do.