Insomnia • Akutagawa x Reader x Atsushi

8

"I heard a story about you...correct me if any of it is wrong, but does this sound familiar? You were abandoned in the slums after your family ran out of money and you never saw them again. You took care of yourself and only you until you met a certain...troublesome group of children. You ended up wanting to take care of all of them before yourself, but you didn't because of your ability. Your ability hurts you doesn't it?"

"...yes..."

"So with the exception of two, you abandoned the rest of them?"

Yes.

"She left everyone for herself."

No. That's not true, Ryunosuke. I didn't know it was going to be the last time. I didn't know the Mafia would do what they did-

"[l/n]. How have you lived with it? How does it feel seeing them again only after you let your curiosity get the best of you and succumbed to suffering again? Tell me, does it haunt you? Do you see the faces of the children that died in pain because you refused to listen? Did Akutagawa's memories hurt because they made you realize what they've been through? Or because...it reminds you of your own guilt?"

Sitting in a chair in front of the elegant desk of the man who had revealed his name to be Mori, giant windows letting the afternoon light pour in and illuminate the eyes of the boss, you feel your body tense up, face not keeping anything to the imagination. Mori's voice is low and gentle, not matching with the words coming out of his mouth taunting you; black raven hair frames his face, a devilish smile decorates his calm expression and enhances it to taking on a much more ominous meaning. You know he wants to watch you squirm under his scrutiny and yet you give him exactly what he wants.

Although, maybe that's because you have the Akutagawa siblings standing on either side of your chair, Gin to your left and Ryunosuke to your right. Even without looking at their faces, you know behind their stone cold grey eyes there's resentment, old emotions being stirred up in all of you with Mori's recount.

"Aren't you going to answer, Miss [l/n]? It's rude to keep me waiting."

"Um, Im sorry, answer what?"

"Are you guilty?"

When the boss asks you that question, you can't help but glance at the siblings beside you as you let out a deep breath, cheeks heating up as you prepare to answer and most likely humiliate yourself in front of them. You know Gin has only been invited there to root a deeper shock in you and Akutagawa is there to watch you dig your own grave. Mori wants to watch you admit to being wrong whether you are or aren't, and he wants to make it hurt.

But that's what I get for accidentally getting involved with the Port Mafia isn't it?

That's what I get for hoping to make amends with people of the past.

"I see them all the time- the children, I mean. I thought running would help me heal, so I've been trying to live normally but...but when I saw Akutagawa the other day...I needed to know what happened, so I resorted to my ability. It hurts because I feel his pain and I feel the effects of it afterwards. I feel it all- I always have. That's why I came here; you said you could help me." You try to explain, try to justify your behaviour as logically as you can. It's not that you're completely lying, but you know that answer is not what Mori was looking for in the first place, more so when he leans into his desk slightly, shaking his head in disappointment.

"Let's not start things off on the wrong foot now, yes? My question was if you are guilty. Are you not suffering under the painful shame of knowing you should have done more? Knowing that you had absolutely no sense of loyalty? Because that's the reason you're here isn't it? You're here because you need to find a way to forgive yourself, along with the physical relief of course. That is why I brought you here with so much interest, Miss [l/n]. So what's your answer?"

Hearing his accusations that you'd been trying to make sense of in your own head the last few days, you feel your heart squeeze and your eyes tear up as your memories are stirred up in a hurricane of inner turmoil purposefully pushed away a long time ago, the way the boss manipulates his words making you want to scream and yell at him that he's wrong, that you'd done everything you could. But the more the words are repeated to you, the more you start to understand they are right. About all of it. They have to be, or else it wouldn't hurt as much as it does.

Isn't this what I wanted? To have a chance to resolve it all? To face my mistakes and now understand Akutagawa?

Do the methods matter when it means this much to me?

"I...you're right. You're right about everything." You say softly, any fighting light in your eyes disappearing the moment you allow yourself to slip, to believe in his words no matter how cruel.

I left Atsushi's light in order to fix this didnt I? If u want to deserve such kindness...I need to help myself first. I need to understand the pain shared by Akutagawa. If this is the only way...

"Mm, that's what I thought. I have what you need you know, I wouldn't lie to you about that. I just needed to make sure we're on the same page. Gin, you can go now, you know where you're needed. Akutagawa...bring him in." Mori suddenly smirks, a victorious hum in his tone, your eyes travelling between him and Akutagawa as the young mafioso disappears into another room connected to the office, his sister leaving the room without another word. The uncertainty you're left with only grows the unease rooted in you now, heart pounding loudly in your ears.

When Akutagawa comes back, he walks in with a child in front of him, the young boy looking at you with his eyes wide with curiosity, a hopeful glaze to his expression shaded with insecurity and fear; though you are sure you are mirroring that same look in your eyes. Something about the child makes you uncomfortable, the way he stands out from the rest, the way his body flinches at any sudden movements, even the way he studied you, something about him doesn't sit right. Still, you can't look away.

"[l/n], meet Kyusaku Yumeno. I want you to use your ability on him in return for our help." Mori states, nothing but a pleased grin on his face completely ignoring the displeased confusion in your face.

"What? Why? What does that have to do with-"

"Q is a lot like you, you know. But see, we need you to be at your most painful to use our medication in you, so why not be of use for us instead in the process? Of course, you could say no...but wouldn't that be just going against what you just said? Aren't you trying to make up for the children you left to die? Either way, we will be using your ability." The boss cuts you off without hesitation or remorse, a cheerful hint to his explanation telling you he's the one in complete control in this discussion. He always was.

"I...I can't just..." You try to protest, but Mori doesn't budge, and you are left with nothing but your own desperation with no one listening to it.

"Akutagawa, please...listen to me." You turn to the silent, raven-haired young man, face paler than ever, his whole stance rigid while you beg. You want to reach out to him as you had in the tea shop, looking into his eyes and help him, understand the nightmares you had seen and re-connect the bucket of unresolved emotions you have for him.

Now however, you feel you've just jumped in head first into something much bigger than your own intentions.

"So I was wrong about something after all. The only one you need forgiveness from is him, isn't it? So if not for the sake of the child...how far are you willing to go for Akutagawa?"