august showers|| anna shumate// ag mcdaniel

5. what if's

Anna's pov:

It's 1 in the morning and the subtle sound of the small droplets of rain and distant thunder fill the room. The occasional flash of lightening lights up the room, cascading shadows on my wall. I've been staring at my ceiling for the past couple hours while Ag is asleep. At this time of night I guess my thoughts really get to me. As much as I like to say that I'm not scared of this whole college and distance thing, I know I am. I don't want to be the person that is constantly bringing it up because I know that can get annoying. I don't want to be the person that holds my feelings in as well anymore- I did that for too long. I don't want to shut her out because I know that'll just hurt both of us. I know myself well enough to know that if I do that, I'll distance myself and end up losing her.

What if one day in the future, we do go our separate ways? What if we become strangers again? What if, through all of this, we simply disappear from each other's lives? Not from lack of communication or distance- merely because we weren't meant to be. In no way am I saying that I want that to happen, no, because I would love to spend many more months or even years with her. I guess my biggest fear in all of this is losing her completely. What if we broke up and never spoke to each other again? What if one day in the future all this becomes too much; for both of us. What if she finds better? I know if I bring these points up she'll tell me that she can't do better or that she does deserve me and so on... I just really want to give her all the happiness and love that she deserves. I hope she knows that. I hope she knows that when she smiles, it makes my day so much brighter. And when she laughs, I hope she knows she makes everything so much better. And when she holds my hand, I hope she knows she completes my world. And when she kisses me, I hope she knows that she has my whole heart.

I know that I shouldn't let these "What if's" get into my head like they have been, but I guess it's good to put things into perspective. I know that I don't like the thought of her with someone else. I don't like the thought of her hand in someone else's or her lips on someone who isn't me. I don't like the thought of her slow dancing in the rain with anyone else but me, or the thought of her having whipped cream fights with someone else. I hate the thought of her with somebody that isn't me. I hate the thought of waking up next to someone new. I hate the thought of having to start over with someone that isn't her. I hate the thought of living life with out her in it. I hate the thought of not being able to call her whenever I want to. I hate the simple thought of not having her in my life. Putting feelings aside, let's say that worst case scenario we don't end up working out- not even having her as a friend would wreck my world. I know that I can be difficult and hard to love- in my eyes at least, but she treats me as if i'm the only one that matters. She treats me as if I mean something. She treats me like someone that is very special to her. She listens to me, she is always there for me, and when i'm sad she knows just how to make me smile. She is the one person I know that can make me smile when i'm mad. She is the only person i know that when i'm mad or annoyed at her, she can make me smile or laugh in seconds. College is in a few weeks and i'm terrified, but she somehow makes it seem like it won't seem so bad. I know that she'll be miles away, in a completely different state, but I don't ever feel far from her. Yes, sometimes I let the distance get to me a bit when it comes to missing being in her arms or just her physically being here. But you see, I feel more loved and appreciated by her than I ever have by anyone else i've been with. Laying here with her arms around me feels like home. What if this is exactly where I am supposed to be. What if she is my person. What if, no matter what happens, we'll be together.

and what if, through all of this, she is my forever person? I'm not saying that we're getting married and having kids- we've only been together for a month. But just what if she's meant to be in my life forever. No matter what the title is or the relationship.

I still don't like the thought of not being hers and I hope that that won't change for a long time. I'm getting used to this whole being her's thing. I wouldn't want it to be any different.

My thoughts were quickly interrupted by a loud clap of thunder that echoed between the walls of the house. I looked at Ag, still as asleep as ever.

"How the fuck did you not wake up from that" I whispered to myself.

I grabbed my phone from under my pillow and began to scroll through instagram. I looked through my tagged photos and liked some edits made of Ag and I.

It was 3:30 in the morning and I still was so far from being tired. I was no longer overthinking about the "what if's" anymore. Ag was still fast asleep- I really do not understand how with the amount of loud thunder that has rolled by. I figured I should probably try and sleep. I turned my phone off and was about to put it under my pillow again but before I could I got a notification.

I looked to see what it was and my heart dropped.

(555)555-1038
Hey, I know it's been a while and we didn't leave off on the best terms, but I was hoping we could maybe talk?

Are you fucking kidding me?