Myths and Shit

The First Homicidal Family aka The Greek Creation Myth

In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.
Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters.
And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light.
Well, that is just not the right version of this myth. No. Were going back before Christianity was a thing. Thats right before Jesus was born, and lets be honest that was a long long time ago.

Every culture has some explanation of how the earth came to be. Whether it be Brahma emerging from an egg like a dragon, the Big Bang theory with a show comically named after it. Now most ancient religions (and by that, I mean Egyptian and Norse, Greek, Roman) believed chaos created the earth. In Greek mythology Chaos was spinning around in his big black nothingness. Like a hyper child, and as such when he grew tired, he really grew tired. Something began to pool in his space, and it formed the earth. She called herself Gaia and she really needed to learn about boundaries. I mean pooling inside someone elses space and just being there forever. Not cool. Now you have to understand, she wasnt no sphere, or cube. No, she didnt need depth. Instead, she was shallow just a basic circle.

Gaia could form herself into a humanoid form and would just walk all over herself. Boundaries, honey, boundaries. After a few years she grew lonely and bored. It isnt quite clear from the myths whether she willed Ouranos into being or Chaos heard her cries for someone. So, he created Ouranos and really woeful him. All the problems of the universe were caused by this family. How could do one family do so much damage huh? Let me tell you

Ouranos was handsome and wayward, great choice of personalities Gaia. Things were great at first, all lovey dovey. Now Gaia and Ouranos had twelve kids to start off with. Twelve, good god you would really need some help with that. These kids were the Titans and the most famous is Kronos and for all the wrong reasons. Namely EATING his SIX children. But with parents like his, who could blame him? Gaia must have been a terrible helicopter mum. Literally you could not get away with anything, did something bad at the poles, your mother knows because she is the EARTH! She probably didnt care for there were no guidelines to life but still. Like you could slap someone and thered really be no consequences. See Ouranos was the typical bad guy, only talks to you when he wants to. Right now, even though these kids were the pretty ones he couldnt give two stars of help.

Gaia was obviously pissed, but she forgave him BIG MISTAKE. She got pregnant again and what came out this time. Damn. You ever heard of the Cyclopes, well known from the Odyssey. The Cyclopes in that was a cute pet compared to these. Gaia gave birth to the first Cyclopes ever, three of them. Ouranos was disgusted. He of course did the only thing a good parent could do, clasped them in chains and threw them into Tartarus. Another god formed inside the earth from Chaos. Boundaries man, boundaries. Gaia was shocked and angry (at Ouranos not Tartarus). Ouranos couldnt see what was wrong. Gaia like the child she is threw a tantrum. The first in existence actually. Earthquakes and landslides erupted on her.

Gaia was a romantic you could say. Ouranos was the first man she ever loved and that would stay that way. So of course, she forgave him. They did it again, ninish months later. And OMG. These were worse than the Cyclopes. They had a hundred hands and fifty heads. Oh, but Gaia loved each and everyone of them, our number one father of the year not so much. His amazing parenting skills came in, and ops. His children were chained and in Tartarus. Gaia really lost it this time. She gave the bird to her romantic side and went homicidal. But of course, she couldnt do it herself. Oh no she was a woman. You know who wasnt, six of her kids.

She gathered all the Titans and told them her plan, Your fathers terrible and I want him dead. But I dont want to do because Ill break a nail. If one of you does this, I will make him King of the Universe

They were all a bit confused. Since death and murder werent a thing. The girls were ever smart and backed out quickly. So did one brother, Oceanus, possibly the smartest man who ever lived. That left Kronos and his four brothers to do it. His plan was simple lure him to earth. Have him go on a date with Gaia and pounce. His four older brothers would hold him down whilst Kronos cut their father to Kingdom come. Did I mention that Kronos was the youngest, the smallest, most arrogant and the cruelest? His siblings called him the Crooked One for gods sake. I think its because he got so little attention from his parents.

Gaia called Ouranos down for a date. He came surprised and way under dressed. Another reason why Gaia had terrible taste in immortals. They got to talking and flirting. Then Kronos shouted Now! Last chance to stop this Gaia NO? Okay, not judging. His brothers leapt out and held their father down. Kronos began to cut him with the scythe his mother had made. Ever seen chefs cut up vegetables before. It was nothing like that. Sure, Kronos cut with tiny lines, but it was messy jagged and bloody. Lucky or not for Kronos, his fathers last words were I curse you. Your children will kill you and overthrow you like you have me Kronos quickly cut out his tongue so nothing else would come out.

Gaia was overjoyed and kept true to her word. They didnt exactly kill Ouranos. Its a bit hard to kill an immortal. Moreover, they really just stopped him from coming to earth in his humanoid form. Great work kids, gold stars for all! Kronos gifted his four homicidal brothers, the four corners of the earth. But how? You ask, the earth is a circle. You told us so. Well, I dont know this is Greek Mythology it doesnt follow any rules. Especially, not ones about names. Is it Gaia or Gaea? Rhea or Rheia? Uranus or Ouranos (both of these have been the but of a joke for millennia).

Ouranoss death was so bloody though that many beings came from his blood. The giants sprung from the earth, more children for Gaia. And again, no Ouranos to help. Nymphs were created as well form the earth, sea, and sky. Aphrodite was also created; she came out of an oyster. From the sea, not sure how that works. But science in myths hold no place. After that everything was peaceful. Kronos was a good and just king. Who am I kidding? This is Ouranoss son and Zeuss father of course he was an absolute arsehole, and like most male creatures in Greek mythology just couldnt keep it in his pants. Even worse he chose the Titaness of fertility, women, generation, and motherhood But unlike his father he didnt throw his children into Tartarus. Instead it was more of a Ops sorry I just ate our children.

And so began the golden age of cannibalism.

AN: Hey Guys! Thanks so much for "picking up" Myths and Shit. It means a lot to me and shows that I'm doing something right. Soo, obviously no trolling but constructive criticism is very much appreciated. I'm still learning all this so yeah, also side note I write/speak British English so some spellings will be different. Please do go have a look at some of my other stories, they will be a different genre but hopefully you'll like them! My updates will be pretty bad but they will come. If this does get enough readers I would like to do a suggestion sorta thing... where you guys will be able to comment which myths you'd like me to do most next. Until then I'll be picking at random but they will mainly be Greek to begin with cause that what I know most of.

Please, vote, comment and share Myths and Shit so more people can enjoy this, thanks.