Myths and Shit

No Amount of Dr. Phil Could Fix This Family

Remember that little curse Ouranos placed on his son, Kronos? Yeah neither did Kronos it seems. You know most fathers are alright, they have their shitty moments, but they come through with some slightly delusional but insightful knowledge. Fathers are meant to be caring, strong, and the person to protect you from the world.

You could say he protected his children from the world, just unconventionally. Very unconventionally. Everything was on the up for the world. There was no big bad guy to piss everyone off. Gaia had even effed off into herself. There were arguments as any family had. Brothers married sisters like a normal family. Immortals really, don't have a great sense of family, or genes. Hell, even marriage isn't exactly sacred. Don't tell Hera or any Karens...now that would truly end the world. Forget global warming, world wars, COVID-19, famine and Donald Trump. Although, Trump is a bit of a Karen.

Anyway, try to keep up with these marriages I'm about to spurt on you.

Oceanus married his sister Tethys. Hyperions his sister Theia, pretty name. Crius his half-sister Eurybia, this is one of the less incestuous relationships. Coeus his sister Phoebe. And finally, the award for best Titan goes to Iapetus and his wives Clymene and Asia. He has different wives in different myths, but neither are his sisters.

Remember when you were younger, and everyone got this shiny new toy? That was how Kronos felt about his brothers getting married. Their wives were shiny new toys, but Kronos couldn't have one. Kronos had one of those parents that were tight on money and saw it was only a temporary fling except his parent was a curse. Kronos saw his choices disappearing and went eh, my children would never harm me. So he married his sister Rhea. Titan of marriage and motherhood. I repeat motherhood. Can you see where this is going?!

So he's got his shiny new toy, but his brothers had moved on. Children where the next big thing. Kronos went eh again, nothing bad could happen to him. After all, he was King of the Universe and Titans, wasn't like they could be disposed of because that had never happened before.

Rhea and Kronos started to have kiddiewinks. Their first child was Hestia, goddess of the hearth. For those of you who don't know, the hearth is the heart of the home, and it was very important to the Ancient Greeks. Rhea presents their child to Kronos. He holds her, and things are looking alright until he looks, looks at her. He notices something slightly off her aura is different. It is softer and more golden than a Titans.

He does the only thing he can think of and yeets her into Tartarus. Just kidding, we're not under the rule of Ouranos. Kronos eats her, something Gordan Ramsey would be inspired and disgusted by. Rhea is devasted, and I mean devasted that she orders her lions to kill Kronos. That didn't work, but Kronos isn't mad in his eyes, he just saved himself. Some small scratches from a lion, nothing.

So they go at it again. I'm beginning to think that these Greek Deities have the worst husbands. Not even Dr Phil could save these families. The next child is Demeter, goddess of the harvest. The same thing happens, it doesn't stop them, though. Next child was Hera, goddess of marriage, then Hades, the god of well the Underworld I guess. It's hard because he really only becomes King of the Underworld once Kronos is defeated. So right now he's the god of the emos in my head. Poseidon being eaten is the last straw for Rhea.

Next time she's pregnant, she gives birth to Zeus on Mount Ida. She actually leaves him there in the care of several nymphs and satyrs. As always she goes to present their new child to Kronos. This time, however, the child is not of flesh and bones, but of stone. Kronos at this point doesn't even bother, to look at his child just eats them. It's his favourite meal.

Rhea would visit her son often and shower gifts upon him, and stories of his monstrous father. Zeus grows up to be strong and handsome but most importantly, not in his father's stomach.

Zeus had a love for the sky. When the thunder roared his heart would leap in joy, not fear. He wished to be among the clouds. He had this ever-changing factor about him. He was a powerful constant in the world but one that could not be slowed or commanded. Just what Kronos had feared of his siblings. Except this child had grown free and fed upon the tales of his cruel father, thirsty for revenge.

A great time had passed, Kroea (Kronos and Rhea) was no more. They were still alive just not exactly the happiest couple. They were the epiphany of separated. Rhea could take no more. She went to her son and cried her discontent. She begged him to do something.

Kronos had become disloyal, but worse like his father in the way he ruled. His rule was alarming and unconditional, any misstep was death or fate worse than.

Rhea wasn't exactly like her mother, she didn't go to her children with the first weapon and say kill your father. She was more subtly and hated violence. Sure she complained about her husband, but she never said kill him. Zeus got that idea on his own, and it probably didn't help that Gaia had some influence over his upbringing. That Grandmother is a psycho, but still, gracious mother nature helped.

Zeus got it into his head that he should dispose of his father and supplant him. Metis the sea nymph met him on his journey to Mount Othrys. Metis was cunning, a jokester and more importantly, close to some of the powerful Titans. Zeus managed to get his first job as Kronos's cupbearer.

One night he and Metis slipped poison into his cup. The party was in full swing, but as Kronos drank and drank... His stomach began to churn. Later into the night when the children in his stomach had dodged the poison, he threw up. All the contents of his stomach. His children being immortal had somehow survived in his stomach, and came out in their full regalia. Puke and all. First out was the stone baby. Stone really shouldn't have lasted in his stomach, but it did somehow. Poseidon came out next, and Hades followed in all of his emo-goth. The three sisters came next: Hera in all her righteous, Demeter with her yearning for nature, and lastly Hestia ready to warm the world.

The siblings were reunited, "The boys are back in town, the boys are back in toowwnn." if you know you know. If you don't, you're far too young or living under a rock. Well, they all bound together in a sort of Avengers way. Standing in those glorious hero poses. To put it point-blank they eventually overthrew Kronos.

But first, Zeus freed the Cyclopes again from Tartarus. The Cyclopes, ever so grateful forged Zeus his bolts, Poseidon his trident and Hades his helm. Two years of war followed until it dawned on Zeus to release his other uncles the hundred handed ones. Those dudes were fucking brilliant fighters and could take on hundreds of Titans at a time.

The Three Brothers spilt up the earth, they spilt up their grandmother I know right. Zeus with his skies, Poseidon with the seas and Hades with the dead in the underworld. Don't worry though, this isn't the end Zeus is too horny for that to be the case.

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