Myths and Shit

The First Wife and The Return Of Cannibalism and Miracle Births

Another story of Zeus for you and this is quite a thriller. A surprising fact about Zeus is that Hera wasn't his first wife. YUP! His first wife was Metis, but as with the problem I think with these 'King Deity Types' is that their first wives are always cursed. And by cursed, I mean the poor souls had the luck to marry these males. No, but honestly she did have this nasty thing around her, it went something along the lines of the son surpassing the father. From the past two generations of deities, we can see how one immensely rational way of dealing with this problem is:

1.Throwing your child into Tartarus

2.You eat the child all six of them...

3.Throw your newly born baby of Mt. Olympus.

Don't really fancy many of those options, neither do I? Zeus oh cunning and horny Zeus. Zeus, who was too much like his father (the child-eating cannibal) decided to go just the one step further. Now, looping back to Metis, she was prego. Had a bun in the oven. Was up the duff, if your slightly chavvy and or British. If this child was a boy, well Zeus thought he'd be in a spot of bother. So he invited Metis into his chambers. Started buttering her up, and this could be taken literally or figuratively. What I am trying to convey is that Zeus ate Metis and his unborn child. How does the saying go... Like father like son.

So we've gotten through the Cannibalism and the fact that Metis was Zeus's first wife. What else can there be you ask? LOL. A shit load of biologically impossible things. Metis was a brilliant mother inside of Zeus. In fact, she made her daughter a cape, chiton thing, helmet, breastplate, spear and shield for her daughter. I'd like to imagine that it was made from Zeus's bones and flesh and stuff, you know just to cause him pain. A biological fuck you for consuming me, and our unborn daughter.

Four months past, I assume time has no real hold on these people. They say Leto (Artemis and Apollo's mother) had Artemis and then was in labour with Apollo for like three years. Thirty-six hours my arse. Anyway, I diverge, Zeus gets this splitting headache. I wouldn't want to relate his pain to the monthly hell that is periods, but what he did next was quite drastic. He went to Hera's bastard, Hephaestus, being like "Duuuude, you 'ave any drugs. Any pain killers cause I got this splitting 'headache." Hephaestus being the good step-son was like "Nahh bruhhhh, but like if its splitin' I got like this axe and we'll like crack your 'ead open mate."

CHILDREN, PLEASE DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME, UNLESS YOU ARE TRYING TO HARM YOUR SIBLING. THEN I SUGGEST PULLING THEIR ARM OUT OF THEIR SOCKET (MINE SURE DID! WHEN I WAS 5!) OR YOU CAN TRY TEH LESS EXPENSIVE ROUTE OF EMOTIONAL TORMENT. YOU DID NOT HEAR THIS FROM ME.

Hephaestus took the axe took Zeus head, and chopped it open in one clean swing. Metis's daughter elegantly sprung out in everything her mother made for her. Did I mention that this was the birth of Athena or that she was fully grooown. NO? Well, there you go. Zeus sat there like "DUuude that just came from my head."

"Bruuhhhh it totally did." drawled Hephaestus.

"My name is Athena, goddess of wisdom, battle strategy and weaving. I would also like to abstain from every marrying or indulge in marital affairs."

With that, we have covered her very peculiar birth. Talking about miracle births Dionysus's is one to behold.