The girl I fell in love with

Hope is all I have left...

I kept the letter and never mentioned it to Lisa I couldn't give it to her I was scared that she would love someone else and forget all about me once she was 18. It was something that I will never forget.

Lisa broke up with me a few months after that, she told me she didn't feel the same way anymore, that she no longer liked me. When I saw those words on my phone I couldn't believe it I really could not believe what I was seeing I thought I was dreaming, I wished at the very moment that it was just a dream a bad nightmare and that I would soon wake up from.

Fear and insecurity took over me. Tears ran down my face uncontrollably I felt as if I had been ripped in half literally. A stinging sharp pain ran across my chest I couldn't help but feel as if I was dying from the inside out. I fell to the ground and right then and there I didn't know what I felt anymore I didn't know whether I was angry. sad, depressed, confused, or all of them I just didn't know. I felt lost and afraid that what I had feared most had just come true.

I got up and tried to hold in my tears but it didn't work no matter how hard I tried they just kept pouring down my face. This was a feeling I had never felt before it's something that no one should ever have to go through. You feel like you're falling into a black hole and the harder you try to climb out of it the deeper you fall and the more it hurts. There's no end to it, there's no cure for it, you just have to be strong and hope that it passes and you get over it.

The pain you feel is unbearable, just imagine feeling something so painful that no matter what you do it just hurts more and more the more you try to suppress it. As soon as I realized that this wasn't a nightmare or a bad dream, I was filled with anger. First of all at myself I always said that I wasn't good enough for Lisa that I was going to lose her and she was gonna leave me. I was mad at myself for being right, and it was my fault I'm the reason she left I pushed her away at least that's what I thought.

Second I was mad at Lisa. I took all the anger I had at that moment and directed it at her. I called her a liar I said I never wanted to see her again and that I didn't need her in my life. She still mentioned the idea of us being friends but I was quick to reject it, I absolutely refused to be friends with her at that moment I didn't want anything to do with her. She had hurt me so bad and she still wanted to be friends, NO! I didn't want to I didn't want to know her I hated her at that moment I didn't even want to hear her name I just wanted to be alone and wanted to keep telling myself that this wasn't real, that this wasn't happening. I didn't want to believe that moment was real.

From then on all I did was think. My mind was bringing back old memories from the first day I asked Lisa out to the fights we recently had, I thought of all the good times we had all the fun things we did and how happy she made me. I remembered everything from us being outside together being nervous around each other holding hands, hugging, and even kissing at times. We didn't talk much at first but that didn't matter just being with her made me feel special. I'm sure she felt the same back then we both felt the same about each other.

I loved Lisa with all my heart, the thing is I was bad at expressing it towards her. I was shy, nervous, and awkward around her mostly because we couldn't be seen talking to each other and we couldn't be near each other. All that plus my insecurity and nervousness made it seem like we didn't even knew each other. I wish I could have a chance to redo those moments and not care about what people said or thought. I wish that I could have disobeyed those rules and talked to Lisa as much as I could so that we would have gotten to know each other even more, and to show her that I really did want to be with her.

I could have done a lot of things better but I didn't and now there's little to nothing I can do to fix things between Lisa and me, she no longer wants me in her life. I don't blame her I wasn't the best boyfriend I could have been. But that doesn't mean I'm just going to give up. I can't do that not when I know that there's still a chance. I won't lose hope I want my girl back and I won't stop trying to get her back until I win her trust and love again.