I Sing For You

Chapter 5

"Hi mom," I said as kindly as I could.  I tried to ignore my previous feelings toward Ray, and focus on her at the moment.  She needed attention....She always needed attention.  

The sad thing was, I felt like it was my fault that she was like this.  Being her daughter, I was supposed to be important to her, like she was important to me.  Because she is like this now, I feel like I wasn't enough for her.  I feel like I couldn't of kept her going because I wasn't good enough for her.  I wanted to be good enough for her.... I loved her so much.....

"How was your day?" I said.  She was laying on the couch, looking blankly at the wall like I wasn't even there.  I talked to her, hoping that maybe someday she would answer me.  I wished she would, but she never did.  "Mom, guess what?  I met this weird guy at school... We have to do a project together, so I'm going to have to leave sometime later on tonight," I said, smiling.  I held back the tears that never stopped welling up in my eyes every time I spoke to her.  She stared at the wall.  

I walked into the kitchen, and fixed her some soup, with some bread to dip in.  She always loved doing that.  I put it on the tray that I always used for her, and brought it in.  I helped her sit up, and let her eat it.  She would eat if I made the food for her, always being a woman who hated wasting, but if I didn't cook for her, she wouldn't eat at all.  

I went to my room, and decided to do my homework tonight.  I didn't try very hard.  If I didn't know an answer, I would simply write that I didn't know the answer.  I wrote this down a lot in math.  Math was the worst subject for me.  It was even worse than English class.

I was about to gather my things into my book bag, and go down and do some music stuff, but my phone buzzed.  It was Ray.

Him:  Hey doll face! :)

Me:  Don't call me that.

Him: Right....  Do you want to meet up at the library around eight?  I know you want some time to work on music tonight, so I was thinking later hours.  My curfew is before midnight, so yeah....

Me: Okay, sounds good.  You sure the library is open that late?

Him: Nope.  But if it closes, we can go to my house.

Me: Cool.

I set my phone aside, and lay back on my bed for a while.  How did he know I wanted time to work on my music?  Maybe he was more observant than I thought.  But, who wouldn't realize that music is the thing I care most about considering the fact that I spend half of my time at school playing instruments.  Then I thought about the fact that I could be going over his house.  Would that be weird?

I grabbed my phone, and headed downstairs to the basement.  The piano waited for me, but so did the guitar.  I decided on the piano, just because it was my favorite, and I needed to loosen up.

I sat down on the leather seat, and thought about my feelings.  I started playing "When I Look at You" by Miley Cyrus, from The Last Song movie.  It was a beautiful song that reminded me not to give up, even when my world was constantly crumbling apart.  It kept me moving forward, because it let me know that there was still hope for me to find someone.  I wanted someone in my life that cared about me like I cared about them.  I could care about people.... but it was mostly one sided love.  That's why I shut out everyone in school, so I wouldn't hurt myself.  I kept waiting for someone to come to me first......

"When my, world is falling apart, and there's no, light to break up the dark, that's when I, I look at you.... when the waves, are, flooding the shores, and I can't, find my way home anymore, that's when I, I look at you," I sang, smiling slightly at the encouraging words.  As I sang, I couldn't help but imagine Ray's face in my mind.  I imagined his eyes, smile, and gorgeous features...when he posed, and nearly made me laugh... when he seemed like he cared about me for a split second.....  Then I snapped myself away from those thoughts, and focused on my fingers, running along the keys.