I was extremely hurt that he couldn't accept my gift, but then i also held a certain guilt and pinch of embarrassment in the pit of my stomach; i had known this was not an okay thing to do and I shouldn't have done it.
I stared at the Jackson's dying yellow weeds and how their poor lives were taken by the sudden cold, and at the moment that's exactly how i wanted to be; i just wanted the cliche moment of the ground swallowing me into the abyss of painless nothingness.
"Babygirl? Are you alright?" I turned to the shining M&M's of my older unrelated brother, Jackie.
"Yea, I'm fine." He penetrated me with his soft yet almost fatherly eyes. He gave me the sarcastic 'yea, sure you are' look.
"Aaliyah, if you're fine, then I'm the King of the Nile?" I rolled my eyes and smirked.
"Then maybe you should go back to you're people. Also it's Queen of the Nile." I stand from a small rugged stone that surrounds the outside of some of Mrs. Jackson's plants. Our current exchange of words were taken place at the front of the Havenhurst estate, and by the look on Jackie's face, this little exchange was not even close to over.
"Aaliy-"
"I'm fine, Jackie, always have been." I shrugged, "just because i'm a girl doesn't mean that I always have to have a problem or something wrong with me. I'm fine. end of story. Close the book. " i continued my travel to a nearby Ash tree; i stopped. "Tell everybody that i went home, and that I'm just tired. i have to meet Berry a little later this afternoon and I'm going to take a little nap." I took a small breath, "i'll probably be back tomorrow if y'all want me." he still had a worry some look plastered on his person. I gave a look, "I'm fine, just tired." He broke the look and sighed.
"Well then at least give me a hug?" I lightly laughed: walking back to him. I wrapped my arms around him and hugged him tight. After about a mere minute passed, we pulled apart, leaving us treading our different paths. I ran to the front gate of the estate and turned waving to thin air once i found that Jackie had already passed through to the warm inside. I turned back cursing myself and feeling quite ignorant. I walked until i would soon find my treacherous chilly prison.
-------------/////---------
I walked inside without announcing my presence as always because heaven knows the prison guards inside wouldn't care if i died on the street.
"Where have you been?" ...And the warden herself.
"Jackson's." nothing more nothing less. My so-called "mother" waltzed in trying to seem as if she cared squat about my existence, but she just ignored me as usual. I rolled my eyes and walked down the hall to my "room".
My room was more of a small cubicle or basement if you want to, but it's my escape from everything. I walked to my bed landing with a loud thud and groan as the cloud of cotton visited the springs of hell that only lay an inch below Heaven.
My eyes started to build and cloud with condensation, and no matter how hard i tried they wouldn't take their cue to leave. I grabbed my black diary.
Dear diary, August 29
Why does the atmosphere of stupidity always cloud my wanting for something better; something good? Why can't i just do something right for a change?
I had finished the painting of Michael and Janet today and probably screwed everything up, because i tried to surprise him and give it to him today.
He's a freaking Jehovah's Witness for crying out loud and i know this! Good freaking Lord!
Why am i such a lost cause?
Why am i such a worthless failure??
Aaliyah Dana
(A girl looking for a purpose)
I shut the black journal, tossed it to the edge of my bed, and pulled my knees to my heaving chest. after maybe exactly two seconds the tears began their endless trail down my describe-less face.
I walked to my wooden entertainment center and grabbed a painful painless weapon from the closure of my plain green satchel. Slowly taking past pains away for only the moment in time. Red liquid a wonderful sight for the watching grey eyes with quoted words spoken by spectators from outside my unknown world. "Just a teenage phase" "just get over it" "you're fine" "attention whore" "dramatic teenage lost cause" "whatever happened to you, you deserved it" "just get it over with".....
"Liyah, don't be so hard on yourself. if you feel no one is there for you i am." hearing his remembered words struck my heart as i dropped my pain and cried for the entire time that it took to finally fall asleep.
I need help.
